Good to see he keeps his red shirt on. Proves he takes adultery seriously. I can respect that.
In a crippling blow to his considerably large and extremely lucrative portfolio of sponsorship deals, white people today announced that they would drop Tiger Woods as their lead spokesman.
“In light of Tiger’s very public and embarrassing examples of infidelity, we cannot continue our business relationship together,” said white person Blake Rutherford IV. “We wish Tiger the very best of luck in his future endeavors, should they be with black people, Thai people, or one of those other types of people.”
Woods’ relationship with white people goes back over a decade, when he was first brought on to endorse the Caucasian race after winning the Masters in 1997 by a historic margin.
“Their initial endorsement deal was very small,” said advertising analyst Matt Smith. “Woods, at that time, was still something of an unknown quantity. White people aren’t going to bring on any endorser full time who doesn’t fit snugly with their brand image. But then he won that Masters, and did the gay fist-pumping thing, and you knew he had real appeal for the core white demographic.”
But after winning major championship after major championship, Woods soon became white people’s most crucial and effective spokespeople, even more so than Matt Lauer, Jim Nantz, and The Republican Party. He appeared in over 2,000 ads for white people, and attended numerous cocktail parties and fundraiser dinners on their behalf. Smith estimates that Woods’ presence helped revenue for white people grow an astounding 76% over the past ten years.
“You think about all the products white people have sold since Tiger Woods came on board: golf clubs, golf shoes, golf hats, sweater vests, Crest Whitestrips, Buicks… you’re talking an absolute explosion in the sales of white-themed products.”
But Woods extramarital romps caused white people to quickly rethink the relationship.
“I mean, my goodness,” said Lily Harrington of the Montauk Harringtons, a longtime director of white people, “He’s out there with all these… floozies! He’s clearly not the sort of person we thought him to be. It’s all so terribly PUBLIC. It’s not in line with our values as a race.
“It’s so disappointing,” she said, “I expected so much more from a fellow who isn’t really all that black.”
The Tiger Woods' camp fired back at celebrity gossip website TMZ.com today, reporting that none of the company's employees have been laid in a year, and most for a much longer time than that.
"There is even a fair share of virgins at TMZ," says the report at TigerWoods.com titled "Tiger Woods comments on ongoing non-events." "Ninety-percent, that constitutes a fair share, don't you think?"
According to the report on the golfer's official website, there are two sources inside TMZ corroborating the story a higher threshold than the site itself has for running a report.
"Yes, everything I am saying is true," said the source in the report. "I don't know why it would surprise anyone that I would sell out my own employer for some attention. I work at freaking TMZ. Having no ethics and being morally depraved are the top two job requirements. Tell Tiger that for 20 bucks I'll tell him about the harem of Thai boys my boss has."
TigerWoods.com apparently refused to pay the source, however, because no such report followed.
A spokesperson for TMZ did not deny the specific claims in the TigerWoods.com story: "Unfortunately, even though they wish they had, many of our employees have not committed any transgressions of a sexual nature not counting repeatedly defiling themselves, often inside their own offices during working hours." The spokesman also requested "some privacy, simple human courtesy and decency during this difficult and embarrassing time. It sickens me that our culture has gotten to the point where our simple, gossip-reporters-next-door are no longer treated with deference and respect."
Most weeks I can't get away from hearing goddam news about goddam Tiger Woods.
He's won some golf tournament. Or he's close to winning a golf tournament. Or he's making news because he's not winning a golf tournament YET THEY'RE STILL SHOWING ALL OF HIS MEANINGLESS, CRAP SHOTS!!!
Then there's all the goddam commercials this cablashit is on. I can't turn on the goddam TV without having him staring out at me, asking me to buy whatever crap he's pushing. I've even seen them ads on Glenn Beck. You can't get away from them anywhere. Well, sorry, Jobu I'm not buying your junk. I don't know why an American car brand like GM ever got in bed with this guy. If you want a reason they lost money, start looking there. Maybe they should have had a real American golfer sell their cars, not someone who'd rather be driving a rice-burning golf cart through the ghetto pumping gangster rap by Hootie and the Blowfish or whatever. I'd buy a car from Fuzzy Zoeller. That man tells it straight.
And if it's not all this stuff, you get kamikazed by some puff piece about how he gives millions to charity. Big whooptifukaroo! He's worth a billion! Let's see him try to give millions working second shift! Oh, but he wouldn't do that. He's too good for that. Doing an honest, real day's work might mess of his precious goddam golf swing. He's a queer, is what he is.
But now this cablahomo has been banging every wholesome white girl he can trick into bed across the country, and where is the media now, huh? Nowhere. Nowhere to be found.
Yeah, they'll give it some coverage on the nightly news, and updates scroll across the bottom of my screen every so often when they hope you're not looking, but where's the constant, 24/7 coverage like they give him with the goddam golf?
When the blacks finally won a Masters with Tiger, it was Tiger, Tiger, Tiger everywhere you turned. Like anyone cared. I know I didn't care.
I just want some consistency. If you're going to go all out when this guy wins some stupid tournament, then I want news breaks every time they find out he mounted another cocktail waitress, too. People need to know this. So they know what he really is. So they know how to sniff out the next guy like this that comes along.
I mean, I knew it all along. I did. I knew Tiger Woods was scum. And I told everyone, too. But they didn't listen. They were like: "Oh, jeez. Here we go again. Shut up, you racist moron."
Well, I'm not a moron. Proved them wrong.
SportsPickle is in Windermere, Fla., for non-stop coverage of the story of the decade/century.
Check back all day for LIVE UPDATES.
(Note: latest updates below.)
Now it's time for the second part of SportsPickle's look at how Tiger Woods' image will change in light of his "transgressions."
(Here was Part 1.)
Oh, for the record: supposedly it's up to six "transgressions" now. That guy really likes to transgress.
The Tiger Woods' brand will never be the same. That much we know.
But how much different will it look in this world in which Tiger has committed "transgressions"?
SportsPickle takes a look.
Tiger Woods and his wife remain together despite the golfer's "transgressions," but sources close to the couple say Woods is reviewing the terms of their prenuptial agreement which would currently pay him $4,314.29 if he and Elin divorce.
"Elin worked for my family as a nanny before she married Tiger," said golfer Jesper Parnevik. "She didn't make a lot of money room and board were free, of course but she was good with it and I know she socked some away in savings."
Because of that thriftiness, Elin Woods (nee Nordegren) insisted that Tiger sign a prenuptial agreement before they married in 2005.
"Golf is a fickle game," said a longtime friend of Elin's. "Your talent can just leave you. Look at someone like David Duval. Elin didn't want that to happen to Tiger, see him go broke and then have him clean her out in a costly divorce. She had been saving for years to buy a car. Cash."
While the exact dollar figure is not known, Tiger's payment is thought to be in excess of $4,300. If the couple stays together for two more years, that figure reaches $6,000.
"Tiger is not from a rich family. So $6,000 is nothing to sniff at," said a friend of the golfer. "He said that if he gets the $6,000, he can buy new floor mats for the cockpit of his airplane."
According to a report on the website Wikipedia.org, embattled golf superstar Tiger Woods has two children from a six-year love affair with a hot, ex-model from Sweden.
Claims Wikipedia: "In November 2003, Woods became engaged to Elin Nordegren, a Swedish model They married on October 5, 2004 at the Sandy Lane resort on the Caribbean island of Barbados June 18, 2007, Elin gave birth to the couple's first child On September 2, 2008, Woods announced on his website that he and his wife were expecting their second child. Five months later, it was announced that Elin had given birth."
But despite the very specific claims in the report, Woods refused to confirm the details, and sources close to the golfer claimed they were very suspect. "Wikipedia is just written by random people all over the world with no actual knowledge," said a source close to the golfer. "And that's not just me saying that. Wikipedia openly admits that on it's Wikipedia entry."
Even so, the allegations continue to pile up.
"It's disappointing if it's true," said cocktail waitress and reality TV veteran Jaimee Grubbs, who Woods had a committed, 31-month sexual relationship with. "For a long time I suspected he was married with kids, I guess. But, at the same time, I didn't think he was the kind of guy who would do that."
Elin Woods (nee Nordegren) released several texts, voicemails and legal documents which claim to back up the Wikipedia report, including a marriage license, joint tax returns and wedding photos.
"I normally don't trust that rag, but Wikipedia is right on this one. They were married and have two kids. The rumors are true," said a friend of Mrs. Woods'. "But one thing they have wrong or will soon need to update is that the relationship is still ongoing. Elin is going to break it off as soon as possible. That's pretty much all she cares about right now. You know, maybe when it happens I can get a Wikipedia account and edit it myself. That would be kind of cool. I also know a lot about Kauai spiders and found Wikipedia's entry on Kauai spiders lacking. I'd love to bulk that one up, too."
TIGER COMMENTS ON CURRENT EVENTS:Including health care, Afghanistan and Jon & Kate!
by Tiger Woods
I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my hearton. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves, however big my family may be; this Tiger doesn't often wear a leash, if you know what I mean. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect (for instance, what the FK was I thinking leaving voice mails and sending texts to that skank I was doing? That leaves a trail, dumbass!). I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone. But please, read on.
Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete (well, golfer), I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. These a-holes are way tougher than the guys at Golf Digest!For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. Whether a man is beaten about the face by his golf-club wielding wife is PRIVATE!The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. It was painkillers.Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect. Really. I'm kind of a prick.
But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. You don't hear me going to the tabloids about Phil Mickelson's abortion. Yeah, he's a woman. Like you didn't know.I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions. Press releases should be reserved for exciting business news! Check back later today for a release announcing my new line of Nike edible underwear!
Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us and my corporate sponsors alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult. It's the same with how I make my women get tested first before I sleep with them. I WILL NOT BUDGE ON THIS!
I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology. Maybe I can still be like Gandhi one day???