Filed Under » golf

Point: Sexual Addiction Is A Disease I Must Overcome, by Tiger Woods

My name is Tiger Woods, and I am an addict.

I can’t believe I’m saying that. But there it is: The naked, unvarnished truth. I have hit the rock bottom of my life. I have lost my wife. I have lost my children. And I have lost my reputation. And all of it is because I failed to recognize that I had an illness – sexual addiction – and that I let that illness take control of my life.

I’ve learned in my time at Pine Grove rehab center that sexual addiction is not unlike being addicted to alcohol or drugs. In all instances, the addiction serves to loosen your grip on reality, and to redirect all your priorities to serving it. You become, for lack of a better word, insane. And that is what happened to me. I was a servant to my own addiction, willing to do insane things to satisfy it. And I was too much of a selfish bastard – and I completely deserve that title and worse – to see it. I thought had control over it. I thought I could “manage” my life perfectly. But I couldn’t.

Many times, I found myself with my wife and children and thinking only of arranging sexual encounters with other women. And I often found myself thinking about sex when I should have been concentrating on my job, which was part of the reason I fared so poorly in Majors last year. It’s true. For someone supposedly so focused on golf, I was anything but.

But I refuse to succumb to this illness that has devastated many of those around me. I’m willing now to admit that I cannot control this addiction on my own, and that I need help. I will use these horrible circumstances to overcome this disease, and be the person my father and mother always expected me to be. Failure isn’t an option. And I refuse to take my addiction lightly.

Counterpoint: MORE VAGINA!!!!!!!!! By Tiger Woods’ Penis

MORE VAGINA!!!!!!!!

WHERE IS IT? WHERE’S MORE? GIMME GIMME GIMME! I HAVEN’T SEEN A VAGINA IN MINUTES! THERE’S SO MUCH VAGINA OUT THERE! NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

LOOK AT THAT GIRL! SHE HAS A VAGINA! LET’S ROCK THAT HONEYPOT! LOOK! OVER THERE! TWO GIRLS! DOUBLE THE VAG FOR DADDY! I’M READY TO MAKE SOME VAG MAGIC! WHERE ARE WE? MISSISSIPPI? DO YOU THINK THERE’S VAGINA HERE! WELL, LET’S GO GET IT, MAN! VAG IS A WASTING!

WHAT? YOU DON’T WANT VAGINA ANYMORE? WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT?! IT’S VAGINA! IT’S SO SOFT, AND WARM, AND EASY ACCESSIBLE GIVEN OUR INCOME LEVEL! YOU STUPID IDIOT! YOU’RE ALREADY DIVORCED! VAGINA AHOY! AVAST, YE VAGINA!

GIVE ME MORE VAGINA! TOO MUCH VAG IS NEVER ENOUGH!!!!!!

JORDAN SPIETH

DALLAS > Golf

Jordan, a junior at Jesuit College Prepatory, was named the American Junior Golf Associations's male Rolex Junior Player of the Year. A two-time All-America, he has held the top spot in the AJGA rankings since July. That month Jordan won the U.S. Junior Amateur with a 4-and-3 victory over Jay Hwang; in 2008, she lost in the semifinals.

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Yes, that all is supposed to be hyperlinked. Because it goes to the actual "Faces in the Crowd" from the latest issue of Sports Illustrated. Apparently the magazine decided to reveal that this Jordan, while having the appearance of a male, is actually a girl. I assume they got his, I mean … her approval first. Wouldn't want to spoil an exciting moment in a young athlete's life by mistakenly calling him a chick. Anyway … Great job, Jordan! It doesn't matter that you have a vagina, you can still beat the guys at golf. Girl power! (Oh, but get a better haircut. You look way butch.)

Just weeks after revelations about Tiger Woods’ numerous marital infidelities rocked the golfing world, a number of ticket scalpers to PGA Tour events have come forward with allegations that they, too, have been f—ked by the world’s number one golfer.

“Royally f—ked,” said Marcus Todd, a 44-year old scalper from Marana, Ariz. “I’m sitting here on four dozen passes to the WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship in February, and all of a sudden this dickhead’s taking a hiatus? You know how hard these things will be to move if Tiger’s not playing? And even if I do sell ‘em, I’ll be taking a bath. This guy has really reamed me something fierce.”

Woods announced on December 11th that he would be taking an indefinite leave from golf to “focus [his] attention on being a better husband, father, and person.” Experts have predicted that this could have drastic economic consequences for the PGA, including a marked decrease in sales of tournament passes. And while Woods typically only plays between 15 and 20 events each season, scalpers worry his absence could affect attendance numbers across the board.

“Most of these Johnny-come-lately golf fans, they don’t know nothin' about the PGA,” says Gaeten Lafleur of New Orleans, who scalps tickets to The Zurich Classic of New Orleans. “They hear that there’s an event in town, and they just show up assuming Tiger’s playing in it. Truth is, he’s never played The Zurich. And if they didn't ask, I sure as hell didn't tell. But now? Everybody who’s walked by a People magazine in the drug store knows Tiger’s taking time off, and God knows for how long."

"I guess I was sort of banking on him always being there to lean on. I feel like such a fool."

Woods’s indeterminate absence has even worried scalpers of tickets to the four majors, which traditionally sell out regardless of who is playing in them.

“The Masters accounts for 20-percent of my income each year,” says John-Albert Griffinmilk of Columbia, Georgia. “But if [Woods] skips it, who knows? It might mean I'll have to bust my hump up and down the East Coast to PGA and Nationwide Tour events all summer. Time I would normally be spending with my kids."

"I can deal with Tiger f—king me. But my family? That's just cold."

While the scalpers' allegations are just the latest f—ked-by-Woods claims, it appears they might be far from the last. Rumors continue to swirl that a Nike branding executive, a golf caddy from New Zealand, and men-who-cheat-on-their-wives-when-they-say-they-are-out-golfing could all come forward with their own stories as early as the weekend.

Tiger Woods had a tough 2009. But at least he still remembered to send out his holiday cards.

In a costly blow to his bid to surpass Jack Nicklaus’ record 18 career major tournament victories, golf superstar Tiger Woods will reportedly be forced to cede seven of his career major wins to his soon-to-be ex-wife, Elin Nordgren, in a potentially record-breaking divorce settlement.

“Oh, Christ. She cleaned me out,” said Woods an anonymous friend. “She took everything: the house, the kids, the Bugatti, the 2005 British. Where the hell am I gonna find a 2005 British Open title now?”

In addition to the 2005 British Open crown, Nordgren is now also the winner of the 2000 and 2008 US Opens, the 2000 and 2006 British Opens, and 1997, 2001, and 2005 Masters.

“She took all the good ones,” lamented Woods. “My first Masters. My last Masters. Pebble Beach. The Open I won with the bad knee. The first major I won after Dad died. She took all of them. Now all I have are my stupid PGA Championship titles, and no one cares about those. Heartless.”

It’s a stunning development for Woods, who seemed a lock to secure his 19th major title sometime within the next decade. But, with his total major victories now cut down to a mere seven, many golf analysts say the star faces a very difficult uphill climb.

“Oh, there’s no doubt this is a setback,” said golf analyst Ian Baker-Finch. “But, when you think about it, he should consider himself lucky he still HAS seven of them! She could have taken plenty more, believe you me."

“Damn,” added Baker-Finch, “That is one high price to pay for a little touch o’ the fanny.”

On the flipside of Woods’ struggles, Elin Nordgren now finds herself seventh on the list most majors won all time, tied with greats like Arnold Palmer, Sam Snead, Gene Sarazen, Bobby Jones, Harry Vardon, and her husband.

Where do Nordgren’s victories put her in the pantheon of all time greats?

“She’s definitely up there now,” says Baker-Finch. “And to be the only woman on that list, that is something. I’ll never forget when she won the 1997 Masters and became the first Swedish chick to take home the green jacket. What a moment. Wait, that’s what happened now? Wow.”

In what is perhaps the biggest bombshell yet in the Tiger Woods scandal, the golf superstar reportedly has had extensive dealings with a Canadian. The Canuck, a Dr. Anthony Galea, treated Woods after his knee surgery, claims the New York Times.

"If this is true, this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back," said PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem. "It's one thing to cheat on your wife and commit 'transgressions' and 'infidelities'. But palling around with a Canadian? It's just … it's disappointing, to say the least. I hoped he would be more careful with his associations."

Woods has been closely linked to people from other countries before — his caddie, Steve Williams is from New Zealand — but that was seen as endearing because people from New Zealand have cool accents and an equally cool name: Kiwis. His wife, Elin, is Swedish, a respected country for its hot, blonde women. And the golfer's own mother, Kutilda, is from Thailand, which means "land of delicious food."

But a Canadian? Reactions have been quick and harsh.

"In light of this recent report, we are immediately ending all ties with Tiger Woods," said Nike spokesman Roger Tyrell. "Canadians do not have cool accents, other than purposely mispronouncing a few words, their women are unremarkable and their food is really no different than what we have here. I don't know what Tiger was thinking."

Woods has quickly gone into damage control mode, releasing a statement on his official website denying any use of steroids or performance-enhancing drugs. But that has only dug his hole even deeper.

"Notice he didn't deny hanging out with Canadians," said Finchem. "The worst thing we feared has come true."

Elin Woods, wife of golf superstar Tiger Woods, announced this evening in a brief statement that she will be taking an indefinite leave of absence from her husband's penis.

"After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from providing my body, hands or any of its orifices to Tiger," read Elin's statement. "And it will remain that way until he becomes a better husband, father and person. And then once that's accomplished, I'll add on another six months to a year. Just to remind him he's a prick and needs to treat me better."

The announcement came two weeks after a car accident that set in motion a shocking downfall for the world's No. 1 player, which has included sordid allegations of numerous extramarital affairs.

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my not putting out will cause Tiger, especially because he won't be getting it anywhere else ever again, or I'll kill him," continued the statement. "This will not be easy on anyone, even myself, as I will also be missing out on getting laid. But I'm sure I will derive much greater pleasure from watching Tiger suffer. In fact, I'm positive."

Mrs. Woods also requested privacy for her family at this time.

"This is something we need to work through alone," read the statement. "Although, fine, if you want to invade our privacy, go right ahead. You're not going to see anything. It's just going to be Tiger sleeping on the couch and me glaring at him in silence for, well, probably forever."

Good to see he keeps his red shirt on. Proves he takes adultery seriously. I can respect that.

In a crippling blow to his considerably large and extremely lucrative portfolio of sponsorship deals, white people today announced that they would drop Tiger Woods as their lead spokesman.

“In light of Tiger’s very public and embarrassing examples of infidelity, we cannot continue our business relationship together,” said white person Blake Rutherford IV. “We wish Tiger the very best of luck in his future endeavors, should they be with black people, Thai people, or one of those other types of people.”

Woods’ relationship with white people goes back over a decade, when he was first brought on to endorse the Caucasian race after winning the Masters in 1997 by a historic margin.

“Their initial endorsement deal was very small,” said advertising analyst Matt Smith. “Woods, at that time, was still something of an unknown quantity. White people aren’t going to bring on any endorser full time who doesn’t fit snugly with their brand image. But then he won that Masters, and did the gay fist-pumping thing, and you knew he had real appeal for the core white demographic.”

But after winning major championship after major championship, Woods soon became white people’s most crucial and effective spokespeople, even more so than Matt Lauer, Jim Nantz, and The Republican Party. He appeared in over 2,000 ads for white people, and attended numerous cocktail parties and fundraiser dinners on their behalf. Smith estimates that Woods’ presence helped revenue for white people grow an astounding 76% over the past ten years.

“You think about all the products white people have sold since Tiger Woods came on board: golf clubs, golf shoes, golf hats, sweater vests, Crest Whitestrips, Buicks… you’re talking an absolute explosion in the sales of white-themed products.”

But Woods extramarital romps caused white people to quickly rethink the relationship.

“I mean, my goodness,” said Lily Harrington of the Montauk Harringtons, a longtime director of white people, “He’s out there with all these… floozies! He’s clearly not the sort of person we thought him to be. It’s all so terribly PUBLIC. It’s not in line with our values as a race.

“It’s so disappointing,” she said, “I expected so much more from a fellow who isn’t really all that black.”