"His skin is blacker than Tiger's so I was hoping I could go with a killer fried chicken dig, but it turns out he's not really black or something?" said Garcia. "I don't know. These minorities are so confusing. They don't like being lumped all together even though we white people see them all the same."
Garcia said he spent a few minutes reading about Fiji on Wikipedia, but found the site lacking in good slurs.
"There was all kind of history about Dutch explorers and who knows what else," he said. "Like I care. I specifically don't care about his people, that's why I want to say a slur to him. I just want one word or phrase I can use to really let Vijay have it if he ever pulls a club out of his bag while I'm thinking about hitting my shot. It shouldn't be this hard."
"I felt it was unprofessional for the lake to be there," said Garcia. "That water could be anywhere. Water covers two-thirds of this planet, yet it had to be there on the final two holes of a tournament I'm playing in? Come on. It's not the nicest lake on the earth."
Garcia was especially miffed because the lake didn't swallow any of Tiger Woods' shots.
"I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but it does seem like there is preferential treatment on Tour for Tiger," said Garcia. "He hits shots and they just happen to land on the green. But I hit shots and there is a big tree trunk in the path of my ball or a bunker or some water. I mean, at the very least it's suspicious."
That wouldn't count if he was an amateur.
HOW TO PLAY WINNING DRUNK GOLF, by Tiger Woods
Tip #1 Don't hit the middle ball; hit all the balls When Rocky Balboa was so punch drunk that he saw three Ivan Dragos, Paulie told him to hit the middle one. Not so when being liquor drunk and playing golf. You want to imagine you are hitting all three balls that you see. This will keep your swing in perfect plane at impact and follow-through, preventing a nasty hook or slice.
Tip #2 Simplify your swing thoughts Anyone who has played golf knows that you can have a thousand thoughts going through your head as you stand over the ball. Whereas when you're playing your best golf, your thoughts are pure, simple. Therefore Helloooooo, alcohol! Have a six-pack before your 9:00 a.m. tee time and you won't have a single thought in your head.
Tip #3 Learn the slope of the green Putting is all about pace and reading the break. Being drunk allows you to read the break perfectly. Just puke all over the green and watch which way your vomit liquid runs. Now putt along that line. (And, yes, golf rules allow you to pick up and remove the chunks in your path. Loophole!)
This is the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to him.
This will shake the conservative golf world.
Lebron James and James Woods!
- - -
Joe Flacco and Ann Curry!
Those are the words Jim Nantz used to begin his call of the Masters on Sunday, the second day in a row he opened his broadcast with the crude alteration of his famed "hello, friends" line.
Nantz worked blue throughout Saturday's broadcast and into Sunday before CBS president Les Moonves pulled him off the air. Nantz's last comment before being removed was calling Tiger Woods' bogey on No. 7 "another bed-shitting by Tiger Woods. He's taking a big-ass dump on his scorecard."
CBS's statement on Nantz's removal offered no details as to why the announcer, who is regarded as one of the most conservative and straight-laced sports broadcasters and is therefore a staple at the staid and reverent Masters, suddenly filled his coverage with filthy language rarely heard outside of a naval ship or late-night comedy club.
But a source close to Nantz said he merely wanted to make the Masters more accessible to a younger audience. "The kids fkin' love this shit," Nantz reportedly told a colleague.
4 minus 2 equals WOOOOOO! TIGER!