Filed Under » Gary Bettman

With concussions continuing to plague the NHL and several of its best players, there is a report circulating that the problem of brain injury extends all the way to the top of the league.

“I’ve had several doctors tell me recently about the symptoms related to brain injury,” said Brendan Shanahan, an NHL vice president and the league’s head of discipline. “I can’t help but think that based on his decision-making, Gary Bettman has been seriously concussed for most of the last 20 years.”

While Bettman is widely considered as completely incompetent, a severe concussion would explain many of his decisions since becoming NHL commissioner in 1993.

“Even with a severely concussed brain, it doesn’t get him completely off the hook. I mean, putting the NHL on Versus? Even a brain functioning at 5-percent wouldn’t do that. That’s a full lobotomy decision,” said Shanahan. “But you still have to think that much of what Bettman has done over the years was a desperate cry for help. You almost have to feel bad for the weird little guy.”

After two days of meetings, NHL general managers have decided that all shots to the head on anyone other than league commissioner Gary Bettman will result in a steep fine and suspension. Also, anyone who hits Bettman in the head will receive a large bonus.

“For the health of our players and especially the long-term health of our sport, we thought this was the smartest decision,” said Montreal general manager Pierre Gauthier. “We will revisit everything once the commissioner is forced to resign due to severe head trauma.”

The unanimous decision by the league’s general managers has been met with great enthusiasm by NHL fans. A line outside of the NHL’s Toronto headquarters spreads eight blocks as fans from all over the world queue for a chance to hit Bettman in the head.

“I’m not even a very big hockey fan,” said one person in line who flew in from New Zealand. “I just appreciate competent leadership. So I felt like the least I could do is fly across the world for the chance to hit Gary Bettman in the head.”

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announced today that the league has hired a Sidney Crosby look-alike that will play in place of the Penguins superstar who has been out for two months with a concussion.

Blake Rawson, a 20 year-old university student in Toronto, has long been told he bears an uncanny resemblance to Crosby. An NHL marketing executive spotted Rawson at a Tim Hortons and mentioned the idea of hiring a look-alike Crosby as a joke to Bettman. Within in minutes the commissioner had signed Rawson to a contract.

“I don’t know much about hockey or follow it very closely,” said Bettman. “But I know that Sidney Crosby’s continued absence will hurt NHL ratings as the playoffs approach. Getting a Crosby impersonator in there was an obvious decision.”

In addition to having Rawson suit up for Pittsburgh in Crosby’s No. 87 jersey, Bettman is making him available for NHL-themed events and birthday parties. So far the Crosby look-alike is booked on weekends through April. Several requests in Philadelphia and Washington, D.C. were turned down when the league learned the “childrens’ birthday parties” were nothing more than Flyers and Capitals fans hoping to beat up someone who looks like Sidney Crosby in an alley.

Plans for an all-white basketball league being organized by a Georgia man received worldwide attention and scorn since he proposed it last week. But according to numerous reports, there is an all-white hockey league already in operation in North America that has been quite successful.

“I’m not inventing a new concept,” said Don “Moose” Lewis, commissioner of the proposed All-American Basketball Alliance. “I don’t understand why I am being called a racist when the NHL has been in a business for 94 years.”

The National Hockey League, originally organized in Montreal, is now headquartered in New York City and boasts 30 franchises in major cities across North America. In recent years the league, behind the direction of commissioner Gary Bettman, has moved in the the American South hoping to sure up support there.

Bettman says the league is proud of its white heritage.

“The NHL is for fans who want a more fundamentally-sound brand of hockey,” he said. “There’s nothing racist about it. If hockey fans want a flashy style of hockey, they can watch any of the black hockey leagues.”

An NHL spokesman quickly called to rebut and apologize for the commissioner’s claims, stating that the NHL does not ban players of color and, in fact, has had several star black players including African-Canadians Dirk Graham, Grant Fuhr and Jarome Iginla.

Bettman challenged that, however.

“First of all, African-Canadian sounds made up to me,” he said. “And I’ve met this Graham and Fuhr guy and I’m blacker than they are. But, hey — who knows. Maybe the NHL isn’t an all-white league. I don’t really follow the sport much. But when I do see games, everyone looks white to me.”

Lewis says he has received interest from Bettman in becoming an investor in his all-white basketball league.