Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver announced today that his team will wear a new blue and orange alternate jersey for the remainder of the season. Each jersey will also have the number 15 on it and the name "TEBOW" on the back.
"Many teams do throwback jerseys," said Weaver. "But our franchise hasn't been around very long. Our jersey is the same. I'm kind of looking at this as the first throw-ahead jersey. Well, hopefully."
As the Jaguars continue to fail to draw fans to their home games or generate much interest at all in north Florida, Weaver has recently expressed a desire to draft the Florida Gators star in a move he hopes will create a fan base for his team.
Current Jaguars quarterback David Garrard says he is not surprised by the move to the alternate Tebow jerseys.
"Wayne has been on this big Tebow push for weeks," says Garrard. "He'll call me at all hours of the day and say: 'Hey, David. What do you think about playing quarterback a bit more Tebow-y?' And I'll ask him what he means by 'Tebow-y.' And he says: 'You know awesome.'"
While reaction to the new jersey among Jaguars players is mixed, at best, Weaver says he has already noticed a huge increase in ticket sales for the next home game.
"We got three calls for single-game tickets before lunch today," he said. "One time, our receptionist even had to put someone on hold! That's never happened for us before. I'm even considering getting a second phone line in our ticket sales department."
Jacksonville's opponents also expect a noticeable change.
"I told my team that they don't look very good on film," said Gary Kubiak, head coach of the Texans, Jacksonville's next opponent. "But when they all take the field in those Tebow jerseys, they're going to be very intimidating. And they'll have God on their side, too."
Garrard, who says he realizes his days are probably numbered in Jacksonville, will try to be a good employee and grant his boss' wishes to play more "Tebow-y."
"I guess it can't hurt, you know?" says Garrard. "Tebow does win. But I'm not, under any circumstances, doing that jump-pass thing of his. That is beyond gay. I do have some self-respect."
A day after Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver said his team will consider drafting Tim Tebow this year to invigorate the franchise's flagging fanbase, the Florida Gators quarterbacked reacted strongly.
"I am a big fan or murder. I do it a lot myself, in fact," said Tebow during a press conference broadcast only to the Jacksonville area. "I also enjoy interceptions. Many times I throw a football wildly into a playground, striking a child in the head and killing it. This hobby of mine combines my two great loves: murder and inaccurate passing."
Then Tebow really tried to show the Jaguars he's not the person they think he is and said the the first curse word of his life: "Farts!" he yelled. "Gosh golly farts! If I was an NFL team, I wouldn't draft me. I'm too big of a risk. Farts!"
At the same time Tebow was holding his Jacksonville-targeted press conference, representatives of the quarterback were contacting NFL front offices to inform them that his comments were merely a ploy to have the Jaguars lose interest in his services.
"Most of the teams I spoke to told me that this actually improves their impression of Tim," said Tebow's mother, Pam. "They want players who want to play for winners. They said anyone who doesn't want to play for the Jaguars is their kind of player."
Tebow said he thinks his press conference will be successful in keeping him away from Jacksonville. But he also admits he may have gone too far.
"Cursing felt so good," said Tebow. "I've been waiting my whole life to do something naughty. Farts! And now I have. Farts! And it feels amazing. Farts! Farts! Farts!"
The Gators star says he is fighting the urge to go to a nearby playground and throw a pass into a bunch of kids.
"I don't want to kill one," he said. "Just maybe make one of them cry. Maybe some blood. I think it would be fun. I'm just on such a high from doing something bad. I feel so free! Flatulence!"
Our perfect hero is not perfect. Our emperor has no eyes.
Yes, it has been confirmed: Tim Tebow is nearsighted. So where does this leave us?
Well, the world is a horrible, dark place full of misery, death and hopelessness. The one god-like person we thought could save us all our supposed messiah, Tim Tebow can't even see who he's throwing to on a fly pattern. #!@#!
So we're all doomed. And we're all going to die. Horribly and painfully. And probably sooner rather than later.
On the bright side, if you're one of the poverty-stricken boys Tebow circumcised in Indonesia last summer, chances are his nearsightedness makes it likely he didn't mutilate your junk too bad. So that's a check in the plus category.
Steve Spurrier confirmed today that he was the coach who left Tim Tebow off the ballot for 1st Team All-SEC quarterback. Spurrier accidentally submitted Mississippi's Jevan Snead.
It turns out the Ol' Ball Coach has a bit of a track record with such mistakes. Look at the Personality section of his Bio in the South Carolina media guide:
Favorite Movie: 2 Fast 2 Furious
Favorite Food: poison
Favorite Drink: liquid poison
Favorite Leisure Activity: colonoscopy
Favorite Book: "Reader's Digest Condensed USA Todays"
Favorite Baby:Any but the Baby Jesus. I hate that stupid Baby Jesus.
Personal Hero: Can cancer be a hero?
Career Highlight: My tenure with the Washington Redskins
Favorite Kind Of Large Lizard With Big Teeth: crocodile
Favorite Way To Shade Your Eyes From The Sun While Still Allowing The Top Of Your Head To Breathe: I got nothing here. ??????
After Tim Tebow's Florida Gators lost to Ole Miss last year, he famously made "The Pledge" a promise that fueled the Gators to the national title and is now forever memorialized in plaque form on Florida's campus.
Today Tebow made a new pledge at SEC media day and vowed he will remain a virgin until he is married.
I wasn't there to hear Tebow's comments, but I imagine they went something like this:
To the fans and everybody in Gator Nation, I'm horny. I'm extremely horny.
You were hoping to do me. That was your goal, something no one has ever done to me down there.
I promise you one thing: a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will this season. You will never see someone with more untapped energy and frustration as I will have this season and until I get married.
You will never see a guy harder than I will be the rest of the season. And I mean that literally. I am so hard right now.
Tim Tebow may have two national titles. He may have a Heisman. He may stand 6-foot-3, 240 pounds. But he could be much more intimidating.
It's that John 3:16 eye black. God giving his only son? Everlasting life? Sounds kind of soft.
Tebow would be much scarier if he barreled downfield with one of these verses stuck to his face.
Deuteronomy 23:2 No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord.
2 Kings 2:23-24 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. “Go up, baldhead,” they shouted, “go up, baldhead!” The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore 42 of the children to pieces.
Ezekiel 23:19-20 But she played the harlot all the more, recalling the days of her girlhood, when she had been a harlot in the land of Egypt. She lusted for the lechers of Egypt, whose genitals are as large as those of donkeys, and whose seminal emission is as that of stallions.
Psalm 137:9 - Happy are those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.
If Tebow wants to get people talking about Scripture, which is an admirable goal, those are some verses that will do it far better than John 3:16 will. So, Tim, I’ve done the groundwork for you. You take it from here (or I will smash your future children’s testicles against a rock for being baldhead harlots whose seminal emission is as that of stallions. Stallions, Tim! Stallions!).