Less than 24 hours after announcing he would step away from football to focus on "faith and family", Florida Gators head coach Urban Meyer has decided he will only take a short leave and return to the program.
"After I made the decision, I went home to spend the evening with my wife and three kids," said Meyer. "And, wow within 20 minutes I knew I had screwed up. Do you have any idea how annoying teenage girls are? Kill me. No, I do not want to take you to the mall. No, I do not want to watch 'Twilight' with you. Go away and please stop talking all the time."
Meyer's young son wasn't any better.
"Unbearable," said the coach. "Just non-stop with stupid jokes and wanting to watch crap TV shows. I don't know how my wife puts up with these people all day every day. I had no idea how good I had it spending 20 hours a day in the football office."
Meyer admitted that not spending any time with his family over the past 20 years which is what initially caused him to step away from the program ended up being a sort of Catch-22. "Had I spent a little more time with them in the first place, I would have known what they are like and I never would have made this stupid decision," he said. "In fact, I probably would have even gotten a part-time job on top of coaching Florida so I'd never have to be home."
The coach's children are happy their father won't be sticking around.
"We liked it better when he bought us expensive gifts to replace being an active presence in our lives," said oldest daughter Kaylie.
"Yeah," said Philip Meyer. "And we know he loves Tim Tebow more than us anyway."
Tim Tebow lost. And his crying proved he took the defeat pretty hard.
Thankfully, the noted Biblical eye black enthusiast can work his way through the 5 Stages of Grief by sporting an appropriate verse on his face for each stage.
Glad to help, Tim!
Stage 1: Denial and Isolation
PHILIPPIANS 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I know you have this one already. You've worn it before. Now you can wear it again. The object of the sentence "I" reflects your feelings of isolation. And I think we can agree the thought that you "can do all things" is pretty fitting for denial in light of your performance in the SEC Championship Game, yes?
Stage 2: Anger
PSALM 137:9:Happy are those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.
DEUTERONOMY 23:2: No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord.
They're both plenty angry. Like, terrifyingly angry. As you can see. But I'd probably go with Deuteronomy 23:2 in your case. You know, what with your history with the penises and the cutting.
Stage 3: Bargaining
DEUTERONOMY 3:23-25: At that time I pleaded with the Lord: "O Sovereign Lord, you have begun to show to your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do? Let me go over and see the good land beyond the Jordan that fine hill country and Lebanon."
Great job attempting to kiss up with the "O Sovereign Lord" and "your greatness" and the "what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do?" Well done. It won't work. You still lost. Decisively. But good try anyway. (Oh, and just a theological note: In Biblical times, I think "Jordan" was the SEC and "Lebanon" hosted the BCS title game. I think.)
Stage 4: Depression
JOHN 11:35: Jesus wept.
You weren't the only one crying at the end of that loss, Tim. Your No. 1 fan surely shed some tears, too.
Stage 5: Acceptance
JOB 29:2-3: How I long for the months gone by, for the days when God watched over me, when his lamp shone upon my head and by his light I walked through darkness!
PSALM 34:18: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Apt. Both of them. But you should probably go with the second one. That one you can leave on your face for a while. You know, 'cause it will work for you at the NFL Draft, too.
His name is Rudy Rutgower. He is 18-years old, 5-feet tall and he has a dream: to play college football. While he knows he’s too small to be a starter, the scrappy, never-say-die Rutgower just wants to run on the field for one play. And though he was born and raised in Vandalia, Indiana, the diminutive youngster would prefer to do it at the University of Florida because they’re not as sucky as Notre Dame.
“That’s my dream,” said Rutgower, staring wistfully off into the distance. “I want to run onto the field at the Swamp, get in the huddle, sprint to the line of scrimmage and make a play. I want to feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up as I hear my name announced. I want to be part of a winning tradition, if only for a brief moment in time. Pride, integrity, victory, respect: that’s what Florida football symbolizes to me.”
Rudy knows he resembles another famous Rudy, the one that was the subject of the hugely popular movie celebrating the allure and mystique of Notre Dame football. Having hailed from a small, unincorporated town near South Bend, he has his share of memories surrounding the Fighting Irish. But, like most youngsters of today, he’d rather have his inspirational, once-in-a-lifetime moment on a team that’s won something since he's been alive.
“Everybody tells me I’m just like the kid from the movie,” said Rutgower. “But the big difference is I’m not a Notre Dame fan. I love the Florida Gators. That’s why I dream of someday taking the field oh, sorry, I should gaze wistfully at the sunset while I say this of someday taking the field with the Florida Gators and making a play while 90,000 fans do the Gator chomp.”
The first part of Rutgower’s dream has already been realized: in August, he was accepted to Florida and is now taking classes toward a degree in business. In his spare time, however, he is maintaining his laser-like focus on the goal of making the Gators practice squad.
“It’s a long shot, but I believe in myself,” said Rutgower. “And when you believe in yourself, you can accomplish all of your dreams. That’s what this great black janitor told me anyway when we were standing in the tunnel under the stadium smoking a fattie. I’ll never forget that. That was some great stuff.”
Rutgower’s story is starting to get national attention. He was mentioned onGood Morning America, as well as ESPN’sFirst Takeand has performed numerous radio interviews to talk about his inspirational quest. Rutgower says he hopes the attention will help him achieve his goal.
“Hopefully Coach Meyer and the powers-that-be here in Gainesville will notice me, notice how much I love the program, notice how small and earnest I am, and be moved to give me a shot,” Rutgower said. “That’s all I want: a shot. My daddy was a coal miner. My momma was a homemaker. I just wanna make them proud. I mean, my daddy was actually an orthodontist, but for the purposes of this story, and the ensuing movie, let’s say he was a coal miner.”
Meanwhile, one program has gotten wind of Rutgower’s story and are willing to give him a shot to make the team: the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, who will likely have an opening at starting quarterback next season. Rutgower, however, said he’s “not interested” in being the starting quarterback for the Fighting Irish.
“Yeah, no thanks. I wouldn’t want that thankless job,” Rudy said. “Being part of this sinking ship, getting punched in public, and generally being the whipping boy for thousands of frustrated fans and boosters? No thanks. I’d much rather run on the field for one play at Florida then be the starting quarterback for Notre Dame.”
Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow saw his senior season take another negative turn today when he was suspended by Florida for a vicious foreskin gouge during Saturday's game against Georgia.
Tebow's dirty play came the possession after teammate Brandon Spikes eye-gouged Georgia running back Washaun Ealey. And while Ealey was not seriously injured on the play, the recipient of of Tebow's gouge, Bulldogs linebacker Jermichael Rogers, had his foreskin ripped right off the shaft of his penis in an explosion of blood and screams.
Tebow gouged Rogers' foreskin during a pileup in the second quarter for a loose ball. He said his training as a moyel while doing missionary work in Indonesia caused him to instinctually react towards Rogers' penile hood.An enraged Tebow, covered in blood, emerged from the pile with the ball. And also part of Rogers.The former Heisman winner will be suspended for the first half of this week's game against Vanderbilt, as will Spikes for his act.
An emotional Tebow immediately expressed remorse following the game.
"I accept responsibility for my actions and I accept the consequences of my actions," he said. "I would like to apologize to my team and the coaching staff and to Jermichael Rogers and his foreskin. Football is a very physical and emotional game, but there is no excuse for my actions. Although I am sure he will find his penis to be far more hygienic now without all that soap and lint and semen and sweat and bacteria getting trapped in there. At least it will be more hygienic once all the scabs come off."
Tebow's pledge is being placed on a plaque which will be mounted outside the entrance to the University of Florida's Department of Science and Anatomy building.
It's true. He could be dead within minutes.
According to ESPN.com, Tebow has travelled separately to Kentucky for Florida's game today because he is ill. It's not the swine flu, they say. But they don't know what it is. (I say it's acute kryptonitis.)
But all we do know if that Our Lord And Savior Tim Tebow IS DYING! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Yeah, so we're doomed.
But, hey, Florida fans look on the bright side!
Your/our hero is dying, but you're still playing Kentucky. They suck. And the rest of your roster is still ridiculously stacked with talent. At the end of the day, you'll still be the No. 1 ranked team in the nation.
Everybody sing together!!!