Opinion The Crappiest Fantasy Football Team in America: Week 1 and Week 2
Week 1
From reader Rob T. …
Opinion Why All of Your NFL Fantasy Picks Suck
Did you pick any of these guys in your fantasy draft? Well they, and you, suck. Here's why. (Note: players ranked using ESPN.com's fantasy rankings.)
1. Adrian Peterson, RB, Vikings — Congratulations. Your top running back has run the ball a staggering 1,945 times over the past 7 seasons, is coming off of the lowest yardage season of his pro career, is running behind a crap line, is prone to fumbling and now has Donovan McNabb as his quarterback, so opposing defenses will have 11 men in the box. Great pick. Idiot.
2. Arian Foster, RB, Texans — Oh, jeez. Where to start. You just had to have a player from the mighty Texans, huh? Well, here's the problem: you wanted Arian Foster last year. You probably also drafted Domanick Davis in 2005, one year after he was good. And Steve Slaton in 2009, one year after he was good. Detect a pattern? It's you, and the Texans, sucking. (We won't even go into the fact that you reached for a guy whose name is basically "Aryan", you racist.)
3. Chris Johnson, RB, Titans — Oh, yeah. When he reports to the team in Week 3, plays for the first time in Week 4, starts in Week 5 and then gets hurt in Week 6, that one, full game of action will really be worth the pick. But don't feel bad. In an alternate reality where Johnson wasn't a holdout, you really got a steal here! Super work, guy!
4. Jamaal Charles, RB, Chiefs — Unlike Peterson, Charles hasn't been overused. He has only 487 carries in 3 NFL seasons. Which is also why he's a crap pick. The Chiefs are protecting him by making him share carries with Thomas Jones and Dexter McCluster. So unless your league awards points for Running Back Freshness or Lack Of Running Back Sweat, you're screwed.
5. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars — Hey! Guess who had offseason knee surgery? This guy. Hey! Guess whose starting quarterback is still David Garrard? This guy. Hey! Guess whose fantasy team sucks? Yours.
Opinion The Matchup: NFL Draft vs. Your Fantasy Draft
Setting
NFL Draft: Radio City Music Hall
Your Fantasy Draft: Bobby's basement aka "The Mancave" (He just installed a bar, too. Thing's got Miller High Life on tap, friggin' sweet.)
Who's invited?
NFL Draft: The top players from the year's draft class
Your Fantasy Draft: Carl's girlfriend, but only if she brings that killer guac dip she made for the new year's eve party
Looming labor conflict
NFL Draft: The Collective bargaining agreement between Owners and Player's Union
Your Fantasy Draft: "Mike's gonna be late 'cause he couldn't get someone to take his shift at Applebee's."
Will Tim Tebow be drafted?
NFL Draft: Yes, unfortunately.
Your Fantasy Draft: Yes, ironically.
Opinion Here's the E-mail You Just Received from Your Fantasy Football League Commissioner
Opinion The 7 Players on Your Fantasy Football Team
The Injured Reserve All-Star
Did your fantasy draft just end? Okay. Now be very quiet and listen. Wait for it … wait for it … wait for it … there it is! That was the sound of your top pick's ACL rupturing.
You could cut your losses, release him and pick up a good replacement. But instead you'll waste a roster spot all season on this gimp because you hear rumors that he's going to return ahead of schedule. Of course, he won't return ahead of schedule. In fact, it will be announced that he's out for the season the same week you are eliminated from contention for your league's playoffs.
The Injury Insurance Roster Spot Hog
One of your early picks is injury-prone, so you drafted his backup just in case the starter gets hurt. Only it turns out this will be the one year of his career that your injury-prone guy won't get hurt … so you'll have a roster spot taken up all season by a worthless backup. Thanks a lot for not getting hurt, jerk!
The Guy on Your Bench Having a Career Year
You have five WRs on your team, but the top three are elite receivers and should never not be in your lineup. So no need to get bent out of shape when your fifth receiver has 100 yards and 2 TDs in Week 1. He won't keep it up. It was one game. A fluke.
Okay. No reason to get too bent out of shape when he does it again in Week 2. And Week 3. And Week 4. And Week 5. Okay. Time to put him in the lineup. Sonofabitch! 38 yards and a fumble.
Picture Fantasy Loser Gets Real Tattoo
His 2009 Fantasy Runner-Up tattoo is totally sweet, though.
News President Obama Declares an Official End to His Fantasy Football Operations
"My Fellow Americans, I am completely f*cked", opened the Commander In Chief. "For 13 long and grueling weeks, I have fought long and hard to field a competitive team and justify the $75 buy in. But today, at 1400 hours, that will come to an end. It's time I accept that the fact with the loss of my RB1, and the trading deadline having passed, this is an unwinnable league. The chances of making it through the playoffs are so slim that I can't in good faith commit any more resources or attention to it. My team, Barack To The Top, is finished."
