From reader Ben F.
Submitted by reader Colin R. for his friend @dhuyvetter 's team
Submitted by reader Sam S. from University Park, Texas
Did you pick any of these guys in your fantasy draft? Well they, and you, suck. Here's why. (Note: players ranked using Yahoo's fantasy rankings.)
1. Arian Foster, RB, Texans Arian Foster is coming off of an injury-plagued season and now he's a vegan. While his diet is great for personal peace of mind, and environmental sustainability and all that good stuff, you probably don't want the success of your entire fantasy team hinging on the durability and performance of someone who shares a diet with Alicia Silverstone.
2. Ray Rice, RB, Ravens Ray Rice would've been a great pick. Except it seems you didn't hear the news that there's a new offensive superstar in Baltimore and his name is Joseph V. Flacco (the "V" stand for something totally awesome) . Yes, the Ravens plan to throw the ball like crazy this year. Don't believe me? Think it's insane for a team to take the ball from Ray Rice and give it to Joe Flacco? Just look at the stats from the preseason: Flacco aired it out 60 times while Rice ran just 10 times. What you drafted is the league's most talented decoy. Well done.
3. LeSean McCoy, RB, Eagles When Michael Vick ruptures on the first snap of the season, who do you think opposing defenses will key on for the final 63 quarters of the year? LeSean McCoy is good, but he's not quite good enough to put up big numbers for an NFL team quarterbacked by Nick Foles. No one is.
4. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Packers Oh, you think Rodgers is going to get close to his 45 passing touchdowns again, friend? You're not my friend because I don't befriend MORONS. Check history: every time a quarterback puts up big TD numbers, there is a huge regression to the mean the next year as defenses adjust. When Dan Marino threw 48, he fell off to 30 the next year. When Peyton Manning threw 49, he only had 28 the season after. When Tom Brady threw 50? He immediately had his knee snapped in half by Bernard Pollard and threw zero. It was hilarious. The point is this: Rodgers isn't going to be even close to the same fantasy quarterback he was last year and now your team sucks because you are stupid.
Jones-Drew, the 2011 NFL rushing leader, learned of fantasy football last season and reportedly became quickly "obsessed" with the online sport.
"Maurice is a fierce competitor. No matter what he's doing," said Jaguars center, Brad Meester, who introduced the Jaguars running back to the game. "Whether he's on the field running over linebackers or on a computer making really solid waiver claims, he's playing to win."
Jones-Drew entered this fantasy season ranked fifth among all players behind just Arian Foster, Ray Rice, LeSean McCoy and Aaron Rodgers but the holdout has dropped his draft position closer to the end of the first round, sometimes into the second. The drop in rankings is a positive one for Jones-Drew who is reported to hold late picks in many of his leagues.
"It's all about value," said ESPN fantasy analyst, Matthew Berry. "With others avoiding him due to holdout concerns, he'll be able to draft himself late in the first and perhaps a top 4 quarterback early in the second. If what's being reported is actually true, it's a very smart move for Maurice Jones-Drew."
Michael Vick is the guy whose team collapses a game or two into the season because of all the injuries.
Marshawn Lynch is the guy who is drunk for the entire draft.
Drew Brees is the guy who has a frosty relationship with the league commissioner due to some bad blood between the two.
Tom Brady is the guy who co-manages his team with his wife and has to run everything by her.
Arian Foster is the guy who brings to the draft some sort of salad/tofu concoction that no one eats.
Rob Gronkowski is the guy whose fantasy football e-mails you're afraid to open at work because he often attaches porn photos to his e-mails.
Opinion Fantasy Football Draft Checklist
"What can you say about LT? He was the best in the game for a long time," said Chad Dolfstetter, who owned Tomlinson on his CDs TDs fantasy team for seven of Tomlinson's 11 years. "Probably the best way to remember LaDainian, beyond the gaudy numbers, is that he won championships. I have three fantasy championship trophies in my garage thanks to him. He was a legend."
Gary Dominguez, team owner of Brady's Ladies who held Tomlinson in a keeper league for four seasons during his prime, says so many great LT moments come to mind.
"He was so clutch," said Dominguez. "I remember one week in 2007, I needed him to get 16 points to beat Fart Sides to make the playoffs, and he came through with 17. He was just a great guy to have on a team because only regular season numbers matter in fantasy football."
Bronze Medal for Fantasy Sucking
From reader Kyle in Week 11
Submitted by reader @truthfromduluth
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