2. You aren't the person in your league who drafted Adam Dunn in the last round as a joke.
3. You failed to stock your roster with Pirates pitchers.
4. You failed to stock your roster with Orioles hitters.
5. You drafted Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee like some dumbass.
6. You drafted under the impression that Intangibles was a stat category in your league.
7. You were happy to see that Juan Pierre was still available on the free agent wire.
8. Much of your original roster is now in Triple-A.
9. Much of your current roster is composed of players who were recently released by other teams in your league.
10. The only fat Tigers infielder you have is Jhonny Peralta.
He's still a strong pickup in leagues that award points for hate crimes and anti-Semitism.
Justin Verlander Justin Verlander had a career season last year. Read that again: "Justin Verlander had a career season last year." See the problem? Yes, you figured it out: it's now this year. Last season was last year. So enjoy six months of being pissed that he's not as good as he was a year ago.
Clayton Kershaw Hey, Clayton Kershaw is a good, young starter. That's true. One problem: he has only once won more than 13 games in a season. Actually, two problems: he has only once won more than 13 games in a season and wins are, like, a huge pitching statistic in every fantasy baseball league in the history of the world. So it's insane to make Kershaw your first pitching pick. That is, unless you like overpaying for Dodgers as much as Magic Johnson does. Then, by all means, go nuts. At least the buy-in for your fantasy league isn't $2 billion.
Bin Laden competed in the "Death To America's Pastime League, LOL" on Yahoo Sports. The terrorist leader was reportedly on his laptop in his bedroom, working on trading Justin Morneau for pitching, when U.S. special forces burst into the room on Sunday.
"He was shot when he made what we thought was an aggressive move," said a U.S. intelligence official. "It turns out he was only motioning to click 'Accept' so the trade would go through before he was detained. Oh, well. I'm glad he's dead. Plus, Morneau for Kevin Correia is an insane trade. Morneau will turn it around."
Bin Laden's team currently is in 4th place in the 10-terrorist league, with the top three spots finishing in the money. First place earns the equivalent of $300 American, as well as a goat.
"It's not a fortune, but every little bit helps in recouping all of the money we spent capturing him," said the official. "I'm not sure what we'd do with the goat. I guess eat it."
1. Play the Name Game
Come up with a funny team name. Ideally this name will include a reference to something that's currently in the news but won't seem at all timely by the All-Star Break. May we suggest, "Dunk City's Harlem Shake"?
2. Pick Your Marks
Invite Yankees GM Brian Cashman to join your league. You need at least one easy mark to fleece in trades, and if he's dumb enough to willingly put Vernon Wells on his team, just think of what Cashman will do in fantasy. Trust the process here.
3. Embrace Stat Geeks
Hang out at a local tavern until an older fellow with a beard comes in for a tipple. Offer him 40 bucks to come to your draft as your assistant and introduce himself to people as Bill James, renowned baseball statistical guru. People will be terrified of you. Nobody knows what Bill James looks like, so who's to say he doesn't stink of cheap brandy and constantly scream about the metal plates in his head?
Major league baseball owners voted last night to contract George Steinbrenner's fantasy team, "The Boss' Boys", and reassign the players on his team via a dispersal draft.
"We just didn't feel it was fair for Hank Steinbrenner to take over his team. It's loaded," said Red Sox owner John Henry. "George has worked hard over the years to stock his team with Yankees and Hank shouldn't get to just walk in to a title."
Steinbrenner has been a famously hands-on fantasy owner of the years in the MLB Ownerz League, scouring the fantasy wire each day and offering other owners trades several times a week.
"George was the guy who would offer you a couple of utility players and a reliever for one of your stars," said Dodgers owner Frank McCourt. "It was annoying and insulting. But at the same time endearing because you knew he just wanted to win."
The league message board still talks about Steinbrenner's 1986 move when he released Dave Winfield, then used his No. 1 waiver spot to pick him right back up, then released him again and, finally, traded a young Roger Clemens to get Winfield back.
"Yeah, George's teams weren't so good back then," said White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf.
Hank, Steinbrenner's son, will be able to join the now 29-team league before the 2011 season as the owner of an expansion team. The longtime Yankees owner was in second place in the league at the time of his passing.
"I was in first place, baby!" said Royals owner David Glass. "Yeah, I admittedly spend much more time working on my fantasy team than on my real baseball team."