After years of providing detailed sports statistics to Major League Baseball, the NFL, NBA, NHL and many other sports leagues, the Elias Sports Bureau shut its doors today after finally receiving some sweet, sweet loving.

“You really think we would spend all this time finding out, say … who was the last player to hit three triples in a night game on the West Coast if we were getting any action?” said Elias president Jeff Meadows. “Of course not. We immerse ourselves in those short of pointless facts and figures to block out our sad personal lives. Trust me, I’d much rather keep track of how many hot women I’ve nailed.”