Opinion A Very Manning Family Christmas
- Eli
Gee, thanks for my Sponge Bob knapsack, Santa!
- Archie
Okay, kid gift time is over. What did you get me?
(Peyton and Eli pick up a big box from under the tree and place it at their father's feet.)
- Archie
Wow! It's huge!
- Cooper
I chipped in for the paper and the bow.
- Archie
Who are you again?
- Cooper
Cooper. Your oldest.
- Archie
My oldest what? Failure?
- Cooper
No … son.
- Archie
Shut up, failure.
- Cooper
Yes, sir.
(Archie excitedly tears into the package and opens up the top of box. He pulls out a sweater.)
- Archie
What the? What is this? A f—king sweater?
- Peyton
Yeah, dad. We thought it would look good on you. You know, for TV. I got it at the best men's clothier in all of Indianapolis!
- Archie
Indianapo-? … let me tell you little turds something. I don't even like football, okay? I played it for you. I went to college for you. I toiled for years for that piece of crap Saints franchise for you. I learned all about the game for you. So one day I could raise two sons, teach them everything about the game, and they could go on to become the two highest-paid players in the NFL. Why? So they would be super rich and I could get some kickass Christmas gifts.
- Cooper
Umm … three sons, dad.
- Olivia
Shut up, Cooper. Your ashamed father is talking.
Video Eli Manning Throws a Press Conference and Nobody Shows
This happens to Cooper Manning all the time.
Picture Eli Manning Sets a Record for Manning Face
Peyton is really going to have to blow it in the playoffs to top this.
News Eli Manning Worried Giants' Bad Game Was Seen by Santa
"I've been trying my best to be good," said a tearful Manning after the game. "But that loss was very, very bad. And Santa watches to see if you are good. What if Santa doesn't give me what I want for Christmas now? What if I don't get the Ninja Turtles costume I asked for?"
Manning himself put up good numbers, throwing for 289 yards and four touchdowns, but several three-and-outs in the fourth quarter repeatedly gave the ball back to the Eagles.
Eli's mother and father, Olivia and Archie Manning, say they are considering telling their son the truth about Santa to help him get over the disappointment of the loss.
"We're not sure what to do," said Mrs. Manning. "I still want him to believe in the magic of Christmas. He's only 29. And much younger developmentally. But he's just so upset."
Picture Eli Manning's Post-Fumble Face
He also looked like this in his high school graduation photo.
Picture After 29 Years, Olivia Manning Makes a Difficult Choice
The 90th trimester seems a little late.
November 3, 2010 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Disappointed Eli Manning Informed His Team Didn't Win the World Series
"I didn't want to crush him," said Coughlin, who left his quarterback in tears. "But I just couldn't let him go on thinking he won a championship. I know the Giants name was very confusing for him. He's a simple kid. But I need his focus on the New York Giants. The football Giants."
Those close to the quarterback said he was overjoyed about the Giants' win because he felt it would permanently quiet his critics thanks to having one more title on his career resume than his big brother, Peyton.
Coughlin accepted some of the blame for his quarterback's confusion about Giants.
"When he was a rookie, he was even more naive and scared than he is now, if you can believe it," said the coach. "So I helped him get braver by telling him that the guys on the team were actual giants — actual giants who would protect him and keep him safe. That's the only way I got him on the field. Apparently he still thinks all giants are the same."
News Giants Doctors Unsure if Eli Manning Is Concussed Or Just Really Stupid
The New York Giants medical staff came back from another round of tests on quarterback Eli Manning this morning unsure if the signal caller is experiencing symptoms of a concussion or just being his regular stupid self.
“It’s tough to say at this point”, said team doctor Mike Woolcott. “We’ve been asking him simple questions that any human being with a below average IQ would know –What’s your name? Where are you? Who’s the president? – and he answered them all incorrectly. The problem is we’re pretty sure he didn’t know those answers before the hit.”
Doctors say that on Monday afternoon Manning was absent-mindedly walking into walls and saying nonsensical things, but no one on the staff seemed to notice or care.
Explained head coach Tom Coughlin, “Eli skips down the halls singing ‘Im A Little Teapot’ all the time, so this is nothing new for us. In fact, I’d say the best indication that he suffered a head injury would be if he wasn’t acting like a two year-old.”
The Giants plan to continue monitoring the quarterback, just like they normally do due to his habit of licking electrical outlets.
“This isn’t the first time we’ve been confused by an athlete’s behavior,” added Coughlin. “In 2008 we assumed Jared Lorenzen’s weight was due to him being lazy and eating all the time, so we tested him for marijuana every day. Turns out he was just a fat f*ck.”
