"Well, the full name is Elite BetterThanPeyton Manning, but you can just call me Elite," Manning announced in a news conference Wednesday morning. "Or Mr. Elite. No, you know what. Just 'Elite' is fine."
Manning said he got the idea to change his name after Sunday's win against the 49ers, in which he helped lead the Giants to the Super Bowl for the second time in five seasons. After the game, many in the media said the younger Manning had cemented his place among the elite quarterbacks in the NFL, and Manning wanted to make sure that would never change.
"You know how people say 'you can't spell elite without Eli'? Well, you sure as hell can't spell it without Elite. And that's what I am: an elite oh, you know what, call me Captain Elite. Yeah, I like that."
Sporting dark sunglasses and a diamond-encrusted gold chain with an "ELITE", Manning said his new name was just representative of his play as a quarterback, but of a full-on attitude change designed to convey his elite status 24/7. Most members of the media remained unimpressed.
"Eli was standing there in front of the mirror, going through all of his faces sad, depressed, confused, frustrated, crushed from the blindside, crushed in his face all of them," said Carr, who went undetected by Manning. "I'm starting to think it's all an act."
Manning admitted as much when he was confronted later by head coach Tom Coughlin, who had been alerted of the incident by Carr.
"Yes, of course I make it on purpose," said Manning of ManningFace. "Do you really think someone could go through life making such ridiculous facial expressions and be completely unaware of it all? No way unless they have some sort of mental disability, of course, which I do not. Let's just make that clear. I have an above-average IQ. The faces are an act, okay?"
Manning said he began making absurd faces during games in middle school to make the sport more fun.
"Football has been drilled into me since I was a little kid by my dad," said Eli. "Sometimes I didn't like it and wanted to do other things. But I finally decided: 'Fine, if I have to play, I'm going to look like an idiot doing it and there's nothing you can do about it.' Twenty years later, I feel like my faces have never been better. I've got more than a hundred, each one more pathetically hilarious than the next."
It was determined that Eli Manning is an elite quarterback earlier this season when someone discovered that you can't spell ELITE without ELI. This is perfect logic. It also begs the question: What other words have ELI in them and what do they tell us about Eli Manning?
ELImination = NFL teams do not want to face Eli Manning in the playoffs.
fELIne = Eli Manning is a pussy.
dELIverance = Eli Manning is inbred and was raised by a family of hicks.
cELIbate = Eli Manning has never had sex.
bELIttle = Eli Manning's older brothers make fun of him.
He never saw "Rambo" because his mom doesn't let him see anything beyond PG-13 movies.
Picture Eli Manning (Safety) Face
His safety word is "Derp."
It will hang in the National Derp Gallery.
One day he'll learn about the birds and the bees and realize he said an odd thing.