Video EA Sports Used Eli Manning's Motion Capture from "SNL"
Sandwiching could really catch on with linemen.
Picture Eli Manning Has the Worst Wax Statue of All-Time
Maybe that's Cooper Manning. No one knows what he looks like.
Picture Eli Manning Has Owned the NFL for Five Decades!
That means he played back when that crappy Manning, Archie Manning, played.
News New York Giants QB Forrest Gump Remarkably Wins a Second Super Bowl
"He may not seem like the brightest bulb, but there's a goodness to him," said Giants head coach Tom Coughlin. "And I love him for it. I wish more people were as quote-unquote 'dumb' as he is. The world would be a better place."
Gump was a star football player in the SEC, a war hero, a shrimp fishing company executive and has met two presidents. He also remarkably didn't get AIDS from his whorish longtime love, Jenny. Now he joins a select company of NFL quarterbacks who have won two Super Bowl titles.
"I can't believe we lost twice in the Super Bowl to a goddam retard," said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.
But it's mean-spirited comments like Belichick's that Gump has let roll off his shoulders, or were simply not heard by his doltish brain, throughout his life.
"My mama Olivia always says: 'Life is like a box of chocolates,'" Gump said on the podium after being named MVP. "I hope this trophy is made of chocolate," he added and then attempted to take a bite, breaking a tooth.
News Eli Manning Disappointed by the Quality of Prostitutes in Indianapolis
Despite his humble, aw-shucks reputation, Manning admitted to media members on Wednesday that he has a "bit of a soft spot for hookers. Everyone has a vice. Mine is paying women for sex. I don't feel a need to apologize for it. If anyone should apologize, it's the City of Indianapolis for the low-level ass they're putting out there."
Eli said he began dabbling in the sex business at an early age.
"My brothers were older than me, so they had girlfriends before I did," he said. "But I wanted to be as big as them. And when you're in middle school in the early '90s, the only way to get sex was to pay for it."
Manning says he doesn't usually have discriminating tastes when it comes to night-walkers — "fat ones, skinny ones, toothless, trannies, orgies, I don't care. But I expected there to be some better quality options here for the biggest event in sports. You know, some high-end escort types. It's disappointing, but I'll try not to let it impact my play on the field."
News Cocky Eli Manning Legally Changes His Name to "Elite Manning"
"Well, the full name is Elite BetterThanPeyton Manning, but you can just call me Elite," Manning announced in a news conference Wednesday morning. "Or Mr. Elite. No, you know what. Just 'Elite' is fine."
Manning said he got the idea to change his name after Sunday's win against the 49ers, in which he helped lead the Giants to the Super Bowl for the second time in five seasons. After the game, many in the media said the younger Manning had cemented his place among the elite quarterbacks in the NFL, and Manning wanted to make sure that would never change.
"You know how people say 'you can't spell elite without Eli'? Well, you sure as hell can't spell it without Elite. And that's what I am: an elite… oh, you know what, call me Captain Elite. Yeah, I like that."
Sporting dark sunglasses and a diamond-encrusted gold chain with an "ELITE", Manning said his new name was just representative of his play as a quarterback, but of a full-on attitude change designed to convey his elite status 24/7. Most members of the media remained unimpressed.
