"Dadgummit, Peyton! When will you learn?" Archie yelled, after his middle son set up the Ravens to win the game with an awful interception in Denver territory. "Eli! Get over here, boy!"
Archie then plucked Eli off the couch, where he had been coloring in a Transformers coloring book, and began spanking his bottom. By the time Ravens kicker Justin Tucker's game-winning kick sailed through the uprights, little Eli was left crying in the corner of the room his mother, Olivia, trying to soothe him with an offer of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"Archie has always loved Peyton the most, everyone knows that," said Olivia. "Peyton is the most talented and Archie had the highest hopes for him. So he gets angry when Peyton fails. And he can't seem to stop from taking out that frustration on poor, little, innocent Eli."
The Manning Family patriarch said he wishes he hadn't spanked Eli.
"Peyton just tries so dang hard and can't seem to win anything unless Rex Grossman is facing him," said Archie. "And then you see Eli there with two Super Bowl rings. Eli, who is slow-witted and doesn't even like football. Eli, who would rather spend his days coloring and looking for butterflies than playing football. Eli, who has basically had only two good months in his whole career. Two Super Bowl rings. It just it just makes me so angry. I'm sorry, but I have to go spank him again."
Put it with the other sports records that will never be broken.
ELITE at giving terrible interviews?
Picture The Most ELI MANNING FACE Ever
Nothing terrifies him more than his chosen occupation of football.
They took 1,000 photos and that's the best one they got.
"I'd like to take this time to announce that, after finding a ring in the box of Fruit Loops I opened this morning, I will be retiring from the game of football," said a sleepy-eyed and footy pajama-clad Manning during a press conference held at MetLife Stadium. In addition to his agent, Eli's teddy bear, Brady, also joined him at the podium for support.
The prize, although not diamond encrusted, is reported to be equipped with both a whistle and glow-in-the-dark capabilities.
"Yeah, it's pretty neat," boasted Eli before shielding his mouth from the microphone and whispering to reporters that he'd let them try it out if they promised not to tell his brother Peytonwho he feared might take it as his own, as he did with the "big shiny one" given to him after Super Bowl XLII.
The eight-year veteran's wife, Abbywho is out of town tending to a family issuewas glaringly absent from her husband's announcement. Sources close to the situation say her going away is likely what led to Manning's decision. According to Abby's sister, Linda, Eli poured himself a bowl of cereal this morning instead of eating his normal pre-practice breakfast that his wife prepares for him: pancakes with chocolate smiley faces and whipped cream beards.
Eli appears to have put on some weight. His mom needs to make him healthier food.
Picture Manning Face: The New Generation
Looks like her poopy may have been intercepted by her diaper.
But Ben Roethlisberger would've given Eli Manning wedgies as a child.