News Dwight Howard's Profession of Love for Orlando Slightly Undercut by Repeated Wanking Motion
"This is exactly the kind of commitment we have been waiting to hear from Dwight," said Magic owner Rich DeVos. "I was ecstatic when I heard Dwight had said this, signalling he hopes to remain with the Magic for his entire career."
But those who were present when Howard made the statement after a morning shoot-around suspect the big man many have stated his love for Orlando sarcastically.
"I know basketball. I'm not a body language expert," said general manager Otis Smith. "But the fact that Dwight was making a wanking motion the whole time he was talking makes me wonder if he wasn't 100-percent serious. Especially how when he said 'I want to remain with the Magic for my entire career,' he pretended to ejaculate into the air and then he slumped over like he was dead."
Howard insists he was serious in his statements about staying a member of the Magic.
"Oh, yeah. Totally serious. What would make you think I was being sarcastic," he asked, now furiously faux-wanking with both hands while rolling his eyes.
Video Dwight Howard Eats a Cookie Off of His Face
An Orlando Magic center eating cookies? He's the new Shaq!
Video Magic Fans Sing for the Return of Dwight Howard
Ooof. Now he's definitely going to leave.
Video Drugged Up Kid Doesn't Want Dwight Howard to Leave the Magic
He must be the Magic exec who drunk dialed Howard.
Video Dwight Howard Dunks on a Giraffe
It probably felt a lot like dunking on Chris Bosh.
Poll Who is the best player in the NBA?
- Blake Griffin -- he has the physical ability to one day re-write the record books, as long as he also has the mental ability to leave the Clippers as a free agent
- Lebron James -- he has every physical trait you could want in a player; he also has intangibles like drive, confidence and general douchebaggery
- Dwyane Wade -- he's not even the best player on his team, but he's earned the right to be on this list and not voted for
- Dwight Howard -- he's an elite talent and he genuinely loves basketball, which is also sort of a problem: I mean, stop smiling, guy! This is a game! It's not supposed to be that fun!
- Derrick Rose -- he's building his own legacy in Chicago, which will probably prompt Michael Jordan to say something really dickish soon about how Rose isn't as good as he was
- Kevin Durant -- he's the rare young player who is legitimately good and not just a by-product of the Oklahoma City media hype machine
- Kobe Bryant -- he just won MVP of the All-Star Game, proving his 40% effort is superior to every other top player's 40%
- Carmelo Anthony -- he's not in the same league as guys like Kobe and Lebron but ... wait, check that: he's now super-great because he plays in New York!
Video Dwight Howard Hits His Head on the Backboard
Many people have this problem in Nerf basketball.
Picture Dwight Howard Gets Baptized
Wade got Lebron and Bosh this offseason, but Howard got Jesus.
