News Report: Dwight Howard and Andrew Bynum Considering Signing with One Team in Disappointing Package Deal
"Their agents have already put out feelers with some teams that have cap space," said one general manager. "I laughed and hung up the phone. Well, first I laughed, then I said they could market themselves as The Faulty Towers, and then I hung up the phone. But I wouldn't be surprised if some of the more incompetent GMs take a look at them."
While both Howard and Bynum have enormous potential, it would be shocking if even one of the players gets close to reaching his ceiling. But Bynum says his days in the NBA are far from over.
"I want to be the next Shaq," he said. "The version of Shaq that was fat and only played half the year and didn't work on his game. He still made good money, right? Yeah, I want to be him. And I think I can do it. I'm in the worst shape of my life right now."
"I think they deserved it," said Howard. "I like them when I was here, but I have since realized they are some of the worst fans in the NBA, if not in all of sports. They rarely fill the seats and there is no atmosphere in this arena. They suck and that's why I booed them."
Magic fans admit they had hoped Howard would give them a warm welcome, but say weren't surprised by the negative reception.
"Look, I can understand the hard feelings," said a season ticket holder. "It is what it is. But I will still always remember Dwight's time here fondly."
Howard didn't stop at booing and heckling the Magic fans. He also held up signs with messages including "YOUR TEAM SUCKS," "OVERRATED" and "ORLANDUDS." When he exited the game, he wore a t-shirt featuring a picture of the Amway Arena crowd alongside pictures of an equal sign and a pile of steaming feces.
Dwight Howard is a professional basketball player who makes $19.54 million per year.
He's truly the next Shaq.
News David Stern Voids Dwight Howard-Lakers Trade for "I don't know, it's just fun being a dick" Reasons
"I love this part of my job," said Stern, laughing louder as Kupchak began weeping. "I really do. The best part is that I'm nixing a four-team deal this team, so it screws over more than 10-percent of the league. That's an awesome rate of return on my assholery."
Stern then ordered a now sobbing Kupchak to remain on the line as he called the Magic, Sixers and Nuggets to inform them that the deal was off.
"Tell them, MItch," said Stern. "Tell them why the deal is off."
"I I don't know. I just don't know, sir," Kupchak wailed. "Is it for basketball reasons?"
"No. I'm not even pretending it's that this time," said a gleeful Stern. "It's because I just like screwing people over, you especially for some reason. Isn't that great? It's just fun being a dick. It's my only joy in life. My only joy! I love it! So there's the reason. Go tell your fans. Tell them it's because hate fuels me. And tell them I hate them. Quote me. Say it just like I did and make sure you say I was happy."
News Dwight Howard Demands to be Traded to Bucks, Sixers, Suns, Kings, Magic, Cavs, Spurs, Rockets, Lakers in 9-Team Trade
Howard met this morning with new Orlando general manager Rob Hennigan to make his request known.
"Dwight insisted that this be how it go down and he wants to move in that specific order: Bucks, Sixers, Suns, Kings, back to Orlando, then Cavaliers, Rockets, Lakers or he is prepared to sit out the season," said Hennigan. "Every urge I have is to say: 'Fk him. Let's make him sit out the year.' But at this point I am pretty sure Dwight is mentally ill and I just feel bad for him."
Drama surrounding Howard's future team dragged on all season and has yet to be resolved. He says his latest demand expires at midnight Friday.
"After that I will ask for more," he said. "I may involved a professional team in Argentina in my request. I haven't decided yet."
This past week Howard, who has one year remaining on his contract with the Orlando Magic, reportedly claimed the Magic "blackmailed" him into opting into that final year, then publicly denied that report, but reaffirmed his desire to be traded by the Magic, all of which was orchestrated by James.
"I thought given what he went through in 2010, LeBron would be able to give me good advice and help me avoid the same mistakes he made," Howard said. "But it seems like he's just making things worse."
James's other suggestions to Howard have included demanding a trade prior to last season, then publicly maintaining he was loyal to Orlando, then re-demanding a trade only to the Nets, then waiving his opt out clause at the trade deadline.
James also personally designed a "Dwight Howard Magic Loyalty" T-Shirt, which has become incredibly popular among Brooklyn hipsters.
"At first, it was kind of a joke, just to see what he'd do," James said. "But then I realized that if he got his coach fired, feuded with his front office and basically alienated his whole fan base, 'The Decision' would look pretty tame by comparison."
Picture Dwight Howard "Loyalty" T-Shirt
We can assume the NBA will soon make a Dwight Howard "Irony" t-shirt.