Filed Under » Duke Blue Devils

Duke’s men’s basketball team, which has reached the Final Four for the first time since 2004, remains hopelessly and pathetically gay, say many college basketball observers across the country.

“Oh, man. Friggin’ Duke,” said North Carolina alum Jack Tankersley. “I can’t even stand to look at them. They’re so unbelievably … what’s the word … they’re so unbelievably gay. Just totally gay.”

Maryland student Joshua Benjamin says everything about Duke is gay.

“Just look at their roster,” he says. “Singler? Gay. Jon Scheyer? Gay. Zoubek? Gay. Miles Plumlee? Gay. Mason Plumlee? Gay. Their coaches? Gay to the max. Chris Collins? Gay. Wojciechowski? King of the gays. Their mascot? Gay. Cameron Crazies? Gay. Krzyzewskiville? More gay than San Francisco. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. All of it gay.”

Benjamin said that he does not mean everyone associated with Duke is homosexual.

“Oh, no. I don’t mean it in that way,” he said. “I just mean … you know – gay. But I’m sure most of them actually are gay, if that changes anything. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It would just make them both gay AND gay. Either way, I think we can definitely agree that they’re definitely gay. Uber gay.”

Scheyer says he and his teammates are routinely told how gay they are.

“Yeah, you hear it all the time from opposing crowds,” says the senior guard. “’Hey, Scheyer! You’re gay! You’re a total gayboy.’ I mean, it’s not very creative. But we get it a lot. Apparently people see us as gay. I also get a lot of people telling me I look like I'm retarded. But I’ve always gotten that, even before I came to Duke. The gay stuff didn’t pick up until I arrived here.”

Despite that, most Duke watchers say Scheyer is the current Duke player who most exudes that trademark Duke gayness.

“Oh, yeah. Totally,” says Tankersley. “Just like Christian Laettner. Just like Wojciechowski when he played. Just like JJ Redick. Just like Greg Paulus. It has been passed down from team to team. One guy slaps the floor and the next guy picks it up by slapping the floor after him. It’s just the way they walk. The way they complain to the refs. They way they celebrate. They way they cry. The way they wear their jerseys. It’s just so … incredibly … annoying. And also gay.”

Oddly enough, the face of the Duke program, head coach Mike Krzyzewski, is not gay.

"No, he's just a f—king a—hole," says Tankersley.

While the Duke Blue Devils look forward to the NCAA Tournament, the program got some great news about next year today when the nation’s premier high school floor-slapper announced his decision to play in Durham.

Bradley Grayson, out of Marshall High School in Spokane, Wash., led the nation in floor-slaps this season with an eye-popping 38.2 per game.

“I’ve seen some great floor-slappers in my day,” said Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski. “But this kid is the best. His faux intensity is amazing.”

Krzyzewski’s excitement is not unfounded. Scouting services rave about Grayson’s floor-slapping.

“You can literally feel the floor shake when Grayson slaps it.” – Scout.com

“Dust the floor for prints after any game – you’ll find his hand prints on 95-percent of it.” – Rivals.com

As Krzyzewski continues to search for answers as to why his once-feared program has become a rather easy out each March, Grayson’s commitment comes just in time.

"You know, we really need to get back to how Duke basketball was a decade ago,” said the coach. “Guys like Greg Paulus and Jon Scheyer flop and complain and make ridiculous faces like any other great point guards we have had here, but we just don’t have players who slap the floor the way Steve Wojciechowsi or Bobby Hurley did. Those guys would come in after games with their palms bleeding. If that’s not the mark of good defense, I don’t know what is.”

Hubert Davis, a current college basketball analyst who played 12 years in the NBA and is a 1992 North Carolina graduate, says he agrees a dearth of floor-slappers is indeed Duke’s biggest problem.

“People laugh at it, but that’s the point,” said Davis. “You’re dribbling down the court, and all of a sudden, some toolbag starts slapping the floor in front of you. You start laughing at him. It gets you off your game. You almost feel bad for the pathetic little guy. And that gives them an advantage.”

Grayson says he hopes to come in and make an immediate impact.

“I’m just going to keep working on my floor slaps,” he said. “And Coach K has sent me some tapes to watch on how to flop. Basically, it’s just if my man gets within six inches of me, I hurtle backwards through the air like I’ve stepped on a land mine. Beyond that, I’m just staying out of the sun as much as possible. Got to keep that melanin down, you know.”