It's multiple layers of douche. It's doucheception.
"Nothing motivates us like a good baby roasting," said senior forward Mason Plumlee. "It's part of what makes Duke unique and something that drew us all here."
The Blue Devils are in Philadelphia for the opening rounds of the Tournament and selected their baby after returning to their hotel last night from a team dinner.
"A homeless woman in an alley beside our hotel had a baby that was the perfect size," said Krzyzewski. "It reminded me of the baby we sacrificed before our 2010 championship. Plus, the baby was homeless, so it obviously was not committed to excellence. No one will miss it."
Once the baby is sacrificed tonight after the team's walk-through, the child will be placed on a spit and roasted. After the team's film session, each player and staff member will partake of the baby's flesh.
Video Lax Nut Shot, Bro
YOLDPFYPSEO: You Only Let Dad Pay For Your Private School Education Once.
News Ryan Kelly Miffed by Lack of Nationwide Hatred Toward Him: "Am I not a dorky white guy who plays for Duke?"
"I've never been hated like I thought I'd be when I came here," said Kelly. "I'm a dorky white guy who plays for Duke. I have a stupid hair cut. I have no muscle tone. I have an unsightly beard. And I produce on the court and I've won a national title in my career. Why doesn't everyone hate me? It's really annoying."
Kelly says he feels like he has missed out on the full Duke experience by not being ridiculed and mocked wherever he goes.
"Sure, I'm taunted during games, but so is every college player," said the gangly oaf. "What I subjected to is nothing close to what guys like Christian Laettner and Cherokee Parks and Steve Wojciechowski and J.J. Redick and Jon Scheyer got when they were here. Is it that I look too ridiculous? Do even Duke haters feel bad for me? Is that it?"
They must have been huge Steve Wojciechowski fans.
So much for the stereotype about Polish people being great leapers.
EA must be staffed by UNC grads.
Picture Sad Duke Fans
I like the part where they're devastated.