“It’s an unfortunate result of our economic climate,” said Stern.“Right now, many of our teams are simply not generating the kind of revenue needed to preserve competitive balance within the league.”

“It’s a disgrace,” said emailer Jim Atwell.“You people at NBC should be completely disgusted with yourselves.It’s the 21stcentury, and you’re still airing plane crashes on tape delay?FOR SHAME.”

Team captain Neil “Sully” O’McSullivan was ecstatic with the result.“This is fahhhh every fackin’ RED SAWX FAN BACK HOME!WE FACKIN’ LOVE YOU GUYS!YANKEES SACK!”

“Can you hear it?Can you smell it in the air?I’m sure all you kids out there are ready to leave your compunets and carphones behind to soak in the sight of our grand game!” asked Jackson, whose brain may or may not be at last failing him.“Just 21 days.Only three weeks left until that magical time of year!”

Before engaging in seven-on-seven passing drills, Tebow took a moment to address scouts personally.

“I know that a lot of people have derided my footwork, and my throwing mechanics,” said Tebow, who holds every major SEC passing record, yet cannot throw a football without both his feet leaving the ground.“But, before you judge me as a football player, I’d like to show you this.”Tebow then unveiled a color photograph of a bloodyfetushe named “Julia”.

My name is Tiger Woods, and I am an addict.

I can’t believe I’m saying that. But there it is: The naked, unvarnished truth. I have hit the rock bottom of my life. I have lost my wife. I have lost my children. And I have lost my reputation. And all of it is because I failed to recognize that I had an illness – sexual addiction – and that I let that illness take control of my life.

At a hastily convened press conference this afternoon, flanked by his mother and UK coach John Calipari, Wall announced the news to the Wildcat faithful.

“Obviously, this won’t come as a shock to you,” said a quiet but confident Wall. “But since I arrived here on the Kentucky campus, many very interesting opportunities have come my way. I think the time has come for me to see what I can do out there, and that’s why today, I am making it official that I plan on entering Ashley Harbrough at approximately 10:15PM this evening.”

“Oh, Christ. She cleaned me out,” said Woods an anonymous friend. “She took everything: the house, the kids, the Bugatti, the 2005 British. Where the hell am I gonna find a 2005 British Open title now?”

“In light of Tiger’s very public and embarrassing examples of infidelity, we cannot continue our business relationship together,” said white person Blake Rutherford IV. “We wish Tiger the very best of luck in his future endeavors, should they be with black people, Thai people, or one of those other types of people.”

“Oh my God, it was incredible,” said patron Gabby Smith. “He was on fire tonight. It was like he couldn’t miss.”

Indeed, Randolph shot an incredible 12-for-12 with his Glock automatic handgun, even hitting a difficult bank shot that caromed off a steel beam and blew off the finger of a cocktail waitress, just before police arrived.