Amid previous allegations of battery and false imprisonment, reality TV star Tila Tequila today filed additional charges against her boyfriend, Chargers All-Pro linebacker Shawne Merriman, with the San Diego police department, accusing him of choking her to death, placing her body inside a duffel bag, and throwing her corpse into the Pacific Ocean.
“It’s time for the truth to come out,” Tequila told reporters. “Over the past few days, Shawne Merriman and his lawyers have done everything in their power to disgrace and discredit me. They’ve portrayed as a drunken, lying attention whore. Well, now it’s time for the truth to come out. Shawne Merriman murdered me, in cold blood.”
Tequila alleges that, on the night in question, Merriman demanded she participate in a five-way orgy with three other women, one of them famed aviatrix Amelia Earhart. When she refused, she claims Merriman grew enraged, throwing her against the wall and placing her hands around her throat, choking her until her pulse flat-lined.
“And I begged Shawne to stop,” Tequila said, “but he just squeezed harder and harder. And then I saw a white light, and I knew that was it. I knew I was gone.”
Paramedics arrived at the scene were unable to revive Ms. Tequila in the ambulance. According to Ms. Tequila, she was pronounced dead on arrival at Scripps Mercy Hospital.
“It’s just such a senseless tragedy,” she said. “I was young girl, and there were so many things I wanted to do with my life.To think that I’ll never get married and have children… to think that my mother will never hear my voice again… It’s just so awful. The hardest part is accepting that I’m dead, and I’m not coming back."
“Also, y’all gotta come see me host Smirnoff Ice’s NFL Kickoff party at Rain in Vegas this weekend,” she added. “It’s gonna be AMAZING.”
Merriman’s camp responded immediately to Tequila’s claims.
“These charges are completely without merit,” said laywer Todd Macaluso. “I demand an autopsy be performed on Ms. Tequila’s body immediately. My client is even willing to pay the cost of it, and perform it himself if that’s okay with everyone.”
Tequila countered Macaluso’s statements on her Twitter feed:
“They can say wat they want yall. But Shawne can’t hide from the fact someone was killed that nite: Me. Love you guys! Xoxoxoxo, Tila”
Portuguese deep-sea diver Poreto smashed the world record for unaided deep-sea diving today, diving over 600 feet down into the Pacific Ocean, despite numerous pleas from his boat crew to return to the surface with fresh lobsters for all.
Poreto broke his own personal best record of 595 feet with the dive, surviving underwater for nearly 30 minutes without the aid of supplemental oxygen.While underwater, Poreto slowed his heart rate to an incredible 50 beats per minute, and never once considered foraging around for shrimp, clams, oysters, or any other kind of delicious seafood that would make for a fabulous clambake.
“I don’t get it,” said boat captain Mike Durant. “He’s down in that water for nearly half an hour while we wait. The least he can do is grab us something to eat.”
“I heard there are squid down there too,” Durant added. “Mmm… calamari.”
Poreto dismissed any complaints from his crew about returning to the boat empty handed.
“Deep sea diving is not about hunting. It’s a communion between man and the sea," he said. "When I am down there, I have to keep my body disciplined. There cannot be a wasted movement, not even a stray glance. To do so would break the harmony that the ocean and I share at such depths.”
Durant remained unfazed.
“He’s always pulling that New Agey crap. Sometimes, he’ll stay down in that water for 30, even 45 minutes. We get hungry up here. I think he comes back without lobster just to be a dick about it, frankly. He knows damn well he could grab a couple five-pounders while he’s down there. You got a couple five-pounders, you got yourself a feast.”Durant added: “Imagine if we had some fries to go with it. Jesus, that would be good. Too bad potatoes don't grow underwater.”
Deep sea diving is regarded as one of the riskiest sports in the world. Just last year, three professional deep sea divers drowned when their zip lines failed to return them to the ocean surface in time, killing them, and leaving their crews bereft of any juicy, tender lobsters that could be boiled alive right in the boat galley and served with drawn butter and lemon.
“People die more often in this sport than you think,” says Dr. Mikhael Levin, of Harvard University. “You’re talking about people deliberately cutting off the oxygen supply to their brains, and subjecting themselves to any number of decompression sicknesses at such extreme depths. And they do it with no intention of ever finding a nice piece of halibut to enjoy later on with a glass of Chablis. It'ssenseless, when you think about it.”
For his part, Poreto plans to keep on diving, and to further break his own records.
“This is about pushing the limits of what the human body can withstand. It’s the ultimate gauge of our evolution. And I will keep doing this until the day I die, whenever that may come," he said. "Regardless, if Mike Durant wants fresh octopus tonight, he can jolly well go buy some at the fishmonger before we set out to sea.”
Every other sports media outlet has a format in which talking-head morons yell foolish, reactionary blather at each other, resulting in absolutely no cogent point other than that they are foolish, talking-head morons.
Now SportsPickle has such a format, too Gallo Vs. Magary pitting site founder DJ Gallo against guest columnist Drew Magary, a very fine set of morons indeed.
Today's debate the Michigan practice time scandal.