Filed Under » Drew Magary

The nation’s leading astrologers and numerologists today announced to reporters that Sports Illustrated’s Pop Culture grid, in which athletes are asked various playful questions about their tastes in pop culture, is actually an ominous sign of the end times which belongs in the magazine’s Signs of the Apocalypse section.

“Nostradamus prophesied this in a journal entry he wrote in 1557,” said astrologist Brooke Myer.“It’s as plain as day — ‘And lo, there shalt come a time when man shall abide by the counsel of four fools, strong of muscle but not of mind’ – When you read SI’s Pop Culture grid, the similarities are downright eerie.”

Numerologist Carnie Matheson agrees.“It won’t be long now.The world cannot sustain itself much longer if a major sports publication is actually printing answers to questions like, ‘Amy Winehouse should _____,’ or ‘______ should have his own reality show.’They always pick one of their teammates.ALWAYS.‘Oh, my teammate Chris Henry is sooo funny!’We all know that isn’t true.It won’t be long before the sky is raining blood.

“And why do all of these a—holes listen to Kenny Chesney?”

Both Myer and Matheson agree that Sports Illustrated should, at the very least, cease asking athletes about books they read (“Half of them always reply that they don’t read,” says Myer), or about which celebrity they’d die to have dinner with (“They always say Jesus or Beyonce.”).

“And I really wish they’d stop including a token WNBA athlete in there,” said Matheson.“This disrupts the entire karma flow of the earth system.No one gives a flying f—k if Diana Taurasi had grilled chicken for dinner last night.It’s somehow even MORE inane.That’s practically begging the fault lines to spread open, swallowing entire cities whole, wiping out families and neighborhoods and cultures and forever obliterating all that we hold dear.”

The fortune tellers gathered here today believe that taking those few minimal steps could help avert worldwide catastrophe.

“We’ve been down this road with SI before,” says Myer.“They tempted universal extinction when they ran Bill Scheft’s column all those years ago, and they wisely heeded our advice then.It is time for them, once again, to take our warnings seriously.Or else, tsunamis of magma will flood our coasts and char everything to mere cinders if the world is again subjected to whether or not Ozzie Guillen has seen ‘Bruno’.”

For the 1989thconsecutive year, Jesus H. Christ of Bethlehem dominated the field at the World Barefoot Waterskiing Championships, held annually in Kenosha, Wisconsin.Christ swept all eight events, earning gold medals in all racing and freestyle categories.

“You know, someone here today asked me how this stacks up against the other 1,988 barefoot waterskiing titles I’ve won,” said Christ, as he unzipped his wetsuit and enjoyed a cold beer in front of an adoring crowd.“I definitely have to say that this one was the sweetest.No doubt.I’ll never get sick of this feeling.”

He then pointed to the sky.

“TOP OF THE WORLD, POP!”

Christ has been barefoot waterskiing since the age of 20, when he discovered that his ability to walk on water translated seamlessly to the world of competitive watersports.In addition to his 1,989 world titles, Christ has also won his home nation of Israel’s national championship every year since the country of Israel was re-established after the Second World War.

But he says this title was different from the rest.

“Oh, definitely.I mean, you look at some of the guys out here competing.We got Sean Hanson.We got Luke Fairchild.These guys out here can shred, man” Christ said.“I knew I’d have to train harder than ever.Do whatever it takes.Spend some time in the desert, whatever.The preparation is as much mental as it is physical.”

But some people in the field are crying foul over Christ’s dominance over the sport.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love what he’s done for our sport,” said second place finisher Hans Rudolph.“Without Jesus, we don’t get sponsors like Budweiser to come in and make this event what it is.But at the same time, I don’t think it’s poor sportsmanship to suggest that being the son of Our Lord Almighty, and being able to literally walk on water gives Jesus an unfair competitive advantage.I mean, Jesus.He had his boat STOP twice.That’s just hotdogging.”

But Christ brushed aside any criticism for his style of skiing.

“I’m just gonna go out there and do what I do.I’m not gonna get caught up in how people perceive me or anything like that.Jesus is just gonna be Jesus.The rest is in Dad’s hands.”

Christ hopes to parlay his success in barefoot waterskiing into possible Olympic gold down the line.

“Oh, definitely.That’s what it’s all about.I think we have a chance at Rio.I really do.To be up on that medal stand while they play ‘Joy To The World,’ and to know I’m on an elevated platform that I’m not nailed to, that would be a Hell of a feeling.Wouldn’t it?”

Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh submitted a formal bid today to purchase St. Louis Ram running back Steven Jackson.Officials close to the deal estimate Limbaugh’s bid at roughly $30 million.

“I’m well aware that the nattering nancies in the league office don’t want me owning an entire team, lest the poor liberals be offended that a self-made man actually decide to buy something in this country,” Limbaugh said on his radio show this morning.“Well, that’s fine with me.Because I didn’t want the team anyway.I just wanted to own a player.I wanted to own a man, whom I could treat as everyday chattel.And now, at last, I shall.”

Anonymous sources within the Rams organization are unsure as to what Limbaugh plans to do with Jackson once the deal gets final league approval.

“The word ‘gardening’ was used in the RFP, which definitely set off a few alarms,” said one official.

But Limbaugh quickly brushed aside any concerns about the legality or ethical concerns over the deal.

“Folks, they are coming after me,” said Limbaugh.“I’m sure the ACLU already has a big ol’ petition ready to go the league office over this.And you know why?Because, folks, these people are enemies of freedom.They don’t want to live in the America you or I know.They want to live in an America where hard working folks like you and me are denied the basic freedom to purchase a man and do with him as we please.That’s not part of their AGENDA.They think it’s so BADDDD.I keep telling you this.They are trying to imprison us all.”

When asked by reporters if purchasing a black man might come across as racist, Limbaugh quickly defended his actions.“I am NOT a racist.Mr. Snerdly, who is black, provides hilarious voices for my show each and every day.He’s never had a problem with anything I’ve ever said or done.Nor was he upset when I bought him and his family for $50,000 and sold his children off to a plantation owner in Georgia.Isn’t that right, Mr. Snerdly?”

After receiving permission from Limbaugh, Mr. Snerdly nodded in agreement.

“I am buying Mr. Jackson because I am a huge football fan.This has nothing to do with politics or my political leanings.I just like the idea of owning a big, strong, untamed man, and perhaps saddling him with a wooden yoke and making him carry buckets of water to and from my home as needed.”

Steven Jackson was unavailable for comment.

East Valley High quarterback David Walker, a two-time Class AAAA state champion and consensus USA Today All-American, admitted to reporters today that most of the joy in his life is derived from living vicariously through his father, Edgar, a severe alcoholic.

“You get to this point in your life, and everything is just work work work,” said David. “I have just an insane number of responsibilities: class, practice, film study, bible study, extracurriculars… I barely have any time to myself. My commute is an absolute BEAR. And then I look at my dad, and he’s got the whole goddamn world in his hands.He barely has to work seven hours a day, then he can come home and drink ALL night.Even on Tuesday!

“He has NO IDEA how lucky he is,” says David, flush with bitterness. “Sometimes I just wanna shake him out of his blissful drunken slumber and smack him across the mouth.I wanna tell him to savor every moment of this.I want him to savor the fact that he divorced mom 10 years ago and is free to sleep with any cocktail waitress he chooses.I only WISH I had that kind of freedom.

“Seriously,” he added, “You should see the kind of tail he pulls.And he doesn’t even shower every day.”

David, who often puts in 20-hour days at school, is also helping his mother raise his younger brother, seven-year-old Tommy.

“Raising kids is like a second job,” he contends. “Every night I come home to something scrawled on the walls and food on the floor.You think I wouldn’t like to unwind by loosening my uniform and pouring myself a tall glass of scotch?Goddamn Dad. He doesn’t even know how good he’s got it.”

When contacted for this story, Edgar Walker was slumped over asleep on the bar at Sally's Saloon. But when awakened, he first took a swing at a reporter and then expressed a great deal of pride in David’s success.He then let out a loud belch and openly scratched his testicles in front of reporters, asking a female scribe, “Wanna see my trunk monkey?”

“He better enjoy the life he’s got now,” says David.“Because it’s not always gonna that way.One day, he’s gonna die, and then be reincarnated, and then have to play high school football, take AP Spanish, get board certified in lifeguard training, and try to maintain a long distance relationship with his girlfriend who graduated a year earlier than he did, and won’t have sex until marriage, not even oral.And all this awesomeness that is his life – the playing pool until 3AM, the drinking rye straight from the handle – it’ll all be a memory.God, I wish were a pathetic middle-aged man.I wouldn’t take it for granted for an instant.Being an overachiever BLOWS.”

Hey there, baseball fans!It’s just about October, and if you’re like me, you are EXCITED.That means the World Series is going to be played soon.There are other months, like May, in which the World Series is NOT played.And so I look forward to October, because that is when the World Series is played.They did play the Series once back in 1803, when then-commissioner Earl “Shorty” Robinson moved the Series to January due to the Spanish-American War.But, in general, October is when the World Series is usually played.

And I know it’s our slogan at FOX, but I think it is appropriate to say again that you cannot script October!Other months, like September, have been scripted and shot into feature length films.Woody Allen, who is a famous director of movies, lives in New York City, made a film called “September” that was scripted.But that has yet to occur with October.

Anyway, the reason they say that you cannot script October is because all of the baseball games are played live.They are not scripted in advance.Back in 1245, White Stockings manager Timmy “The Tim” Raymond attempted to script his player’s at bats.But he soon realized that he could NOT control which pitches the opposing team’s pitcher chose to pitch.And so even THAT October was unscripted.How about that?

I’m really looking forward to this year’s playoffs because I want to see if the New York Yankees will come out as the best team in baseball.Many times, the team with the best record in baseball does NOT win the World Series, and therefore cannot be called the best team.You can have the second best record in baseball, and STILL win the World Series.That is the sort of thing you find out when the game is played in October.

Also, the Philadelphia Phillies will be in the playoffs this year.The Phillies, as you know, won the World Series LAST year.But that does not necessarily mean they will win the World Series THIS year.That is because these games are NEW, and have yet to be played.Ryan Howard is what we call a slugger.Because he hits the ball with the same kind of force a BOXER might use while slugging someone.Babe Ruth, also a slugger.

Ooh, a glass of water!What’s interesting about water is that it can be used for both drinking AND bathing.Many baseball players drink water during the game.Others do not.That’s known as a superstition, which is when someone employs a technique and/or talisman to ward off bad luck.Ha ha, maybe Ryan Howard drinks water so that the Phillies WILL repeat.But that is NOT what the Dutch call a fait accompli, because October cannot be scripted.

Until it’s over, and then it can probably be made into some sort of TRANSscript.

You know, friends, I once had sex with a TRANSvestite. It was after a few drinks during a layover at the Milwaukee airport. 1993, I think. He was a pretty lady. Good people in Milwaukee. He/she reminded me of Catfish Hunter in a way. This sexual encounter with a transvestite was also not scripted. Because it just so happened to occur in October. And because I had never been with a transvestite and didn't quite know how to manipulate a penis other than my own. But it was fun.

Just like October.

Which is unscripted.

As am I. Andyou.Especially if you are alive in the month of October, a month I consider to be the most unscripted of months.

After selling more than 30,000 “Party Passes” for $29 to help set the NFL’s single-game attendance record on opening night, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced today that the team will now offer special $20 home passes to anyone who would like to attend a game at Cowboys Stadium while sitting at home.

“This stadium represents the next generation of sports entertainment complexes,” said Jones in a radio interview.“We know there’s a real buzz about this place across the Dallas area now, so we want as many people to be able to enjoy this new facility as possible.Even if they can’t afford a premium seat, or even a Party Pass.This $20 price point is a great way to come visit Cowboys Stadium by looking at it on television.”

Customers living in Dallas who purchase the home passes will be able to watch the entire stadium at home via a special relay signal from their local FOX affiliate, and will be able to walk the stadium grounds by watching a FOX camera crew walk the stadium grounds.“That way,” explained Jones, “you’re as close to the action as possible.You’re gonna see the natural light coming in from the sides, the steel trusses… everything.We’re gonna give you your money’s worth, that’s for damn sure.”

But the passes do come with certain restrictions.Customers parking at the Cowboys Stadium lot to go watch the game at home will pay a separate $75 fee.Customers who purchase the home passes will also not be allowed to access any of the stadiums concierge-level stadium clubs, bathrooms, or concession stands.Nor are they allowed into the stadium itself.

For an extra $10, customers who purchase the home passes can also get a special Video Board Pass, that allows them to watch the entire game on the Stadium’s now legendary video board via their home television.

“Oh, it’s incredible,” said Video Board Pass test customer Mary Lynch.“You would not believe how big this screen was.And it was so clear!It’s not like watching the game on a regular television thru a regular television.You have to see it in person on television to understand.”

And for a flat $500 fee, customers can also elect to subscribe to Jones’ new Cowboys Stadium Network cable channel, which runs a live feed of the outside of the stadium 24 hours a day.

Subscriber David Hammond was impressed.“I’ll be damned if Jerry didn’t pull it off,” he said.“Look at that thing.It is gorgeous.And only $500 for a whole year for a season pass?Not a bad price for a working class guy like me.”

“We really wanted to take the fan experience to the next level, “ says Jones.“What you’re seeing here is the perfect blend of stadium and technology.We have to give people more of a reason to come to the games now, even if they don’t want to physically do so.These home passes are the perfect solution.”

By Jim Spetzko, Local Baseball Fan

Hey, Mike!Mikey!I gotta piss!You gotta piss?Let’s piss together!At the stadium urinal trough!And let’s talk while we do it!Let’s talk CRAZY LOUD AND SHIT!

It’s gonna be awesome!I can tell you how many beers I’ve had!I’VE HAD AT LEAST FIVE!I’VE GOT A BUZZ!LET’S GET MORE, SO THAT WE CAN BE MORE BUZZED!CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MUCH BEERS COST HERE?LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH THE BEER COST!

Let’s stand right next to each other at the trough and talk louder than anyone else in the bathroom, so that people know we’re having a good time!I can check other scores on my Blackberry and then relay those scores to you!Dude, the Yankees are up by five!THEY ARE PLAYING SOME SICK BALL RIGHT NOW!

Oh, man.There aren’t two adjacent open spots at the urinal trough!Let’s piss on opposite sides of the trough and STILL TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!Let’s be so loud that anyone trying to urinate between us gets stagefright and can’t piss at all until we leave!Let’s see if we can make their bladders shrink to the size of a golf ball!BRO, I GOTTA TELL YOU ABOUT THIS CHICK I BANGED LAST NIGHT!HER FATHER’S DEAD AND THAT MADE THE SEXY CRAZY GOOD!

Hey, here comes our third loud friend!And he has to piss too!Let’s finish pissing and then linger behind him while he pisses and yells back at us over his shoulder!That way, people still trying to piss at the stadium trough will still be unable to function!At all!Let’s see if their excretory systems eventually explode, flooding us all in a pool of blood and urine!They’re probably hoping we won’t notice that they can’t piss.LET’S POINT THAT OUT TO THEM SO IT TAKES THEM EVEN LONGER TO GET THEIR URINE FLOWING!HEY BUDDY, YOU KNITTING A SWEATER OVER THERE?!

Let’s get nachos and hang out in here the rest of the game!I’M IN NO HURRY OF ANY SORT!I’M FINE WITH EXITING THE BATHROOM MORE SLOWLY THAN A SLUG CHOPPED IN HALF!THIS IS A GREAT TIME!

I THINK I HAVE TO PISS AGAIN!

Frankie Walker, a horrible backup shortstop for the Class A Visalia Oaks, was praised today by his manager and teammates for being good at all the little, inconsequential things that, taken together, are a poor barometer of whether or not someone is actually a good baseball player.

“Oh, Frankie’s a real gamer, “ said Oaks manager Dan Felton of his putrid protégée.“He hustles to first base on every ground ball, which he hits a lot of.He studies tape.He keeps notes on every pitcher.He’ll slide in at an angle to break up the double play.His does all the little things perfectly.It’s just the big things – like hitting, running, and throwing – where he blows.And I mean really blows, like a Dutch whore.”

“You talk about a guy who works hard,” said Oaks right fielder JaJuan Hodge.“Frankie’s always the first one here, talking with the coaches about working pitch counts, honing his swing.His level of detail incredible.If only he weren’t so small, and weak, and useless.”

Walker, whose inability to hit the ball borders on the comedic, has become a fan favorite among the Visalia faithful for his take-no-prisoners approach to the game.

“You can just see how much the game means to him, “ said season ticket holder Henry Caron.“One time, I saw him barrel right into the catcher at home.He was out by mile, because he’s slower than death.But still, what scrappiness!”

“He does a lot of things that don’t show up on the stat sheet,” said Felton of Walker, who is currently batting .098 and hasn’t driven in a run since June 19th.“If there was a stat for courage to take inside pitches, you can bet Frankie would lead the league in it.It’s just a shame that what does show up on the stat sheet – home runs, RBI’s, runs – are really all that matters.I almost wish we could get rid of crucial game elements like hitting and catching, so that a guy like Frankie could truly flourish in our league.”

Many also went out of their way to praise Walker, who is terrible at his job and should be fired, for being a good person.

“We’re lucky to have him," wrote Oaks beat writer Tom Maxon.“You spend five minutes with him, and you learn so much about the game.But you also learn about yourself as a person.He’s someone who believes in family, and personal accountability.He’s a great husband and Christian.I think Frankie will be a great manager one day, so long as he is not a player-manager.”

“Frankie plays the game the right way,” said Felton, “he just doesn’t play it very well.If I weren’t so blinded by his terrific work ethic, I’d cut his ass on the spot.”

Second down and 10 at the 13.Orton in the gun, Buckhalter right next to him.Orton pumps again.To the sideline… Batted uppp…

AAAAAHHHHRGGGHHIIIYYYYYOOOWWWWW!!!!AHHHHHH!!!! STOKLEY!DOWWWWW THAH SYLAHHHHHHH!!!CAHHH DAY KETCHUP?! STOKLEY!WAHHHHHHHH!!!!TOUCHDAHHHHH!!!!!

(catches breath)

I’m sorry.But that was amazing!Can someone get me some water?

(is handed a bottle of Deer Park)

AAAAAHHHHRGGGHHIIIYYYYYOOOWWWWW!!!!OMIGAHHHH!!!ISSAH DEER POWWWWW?!!!

(inhales)

BURBLOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!DID EW SEEEE TAHH?!!BURGEN FLURGEN ZIMA KURRROOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Whoa.Apologies.Sometimes, I get a little overexcited there.Let’s just go to the next kickoff, shall we?Prater lines up to kick… approaches the tee…

AWURGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!DID EW SEE HAW HIGH THA BAW WHEN?!!!AAAHHHHHDFKJGHER;G KLVEHKG;DSF;CGSDG;!!!!!!!!

(vomits out own digestive tract)

Again, got a little overheated.My doctor says I have high blood pressure.But my therapist says it’s good to let my feelings out, so there’s a real conflict there.Does anyone have a cracker?I used a lot of energy during that call.

(is handed a Wheat Thin)

HOLY MOLAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!WOW!EES THAHH DAHH MULTIGRAINOOWWWW???KIRBY ERBY DOOBIE BROTHERS VEREVREGHREGHMGREHGRHG!!!!!

(collapses upon self, becomes white dwarf star)

Salvatore DiGuilio, a Yankees season ticket holder who sits two rows behind you, expressed shock and dismay today that your son has never heard the word c—t before.

“Really?Seriously?” asked a bewildered DiGuilio.“What is that kid, six?How could he not know what a c—t is?It’s the first thing you learn after you find out what a d—k is.Hey Vinny, can you believe this pr—k’s kid doesn’t know what a c—t is?”

The self-proclaimed “die-hard” Yankee fan scoffed at your notion that c—t is a vulgar word not to be used in front of a child after Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira makes a simple groundout to second to end the fourth inning.

“Please, I use that f—king word around my little s—t kid all the time,” he explained.“That’s the f—king language of the real world.What, are you trying to make your son a p—-y?A p—-y little f——t?Because that’s what’s he gonna grow up to be.”

But Dr. Harry Edwards, professor of sports psychology at the University of Southern California, disagrees with DiGuilio’s claims.

“Contrary to what many inebriated Yankee fans believe, learning crude terms for female genitalia at an early age does not prevent homosexuality, nor does it result in any long-term passive behavior.In fact, studies show learning terms such as c—t before the age of six can lead to problems with anger AND future substance abuse issues.Of course, this means you’ll fit in perfectly with Yankee fans.They’re all complete a—holes.”

DiGuilio refuted Edwards’ notion, saying, “Maybe he’s a c—t, too.”

Yankees officials said they have received several complaints from you in the past few months with regards to DiGuilio’s behavior.So far, the team has had no official response, though a Yankees Stadium security guard did tell you to, “keep your little c—t kid in his seat for ‘God Bless America,’ or I will throw your c—t a—out of this facility.”

DiGuilio has a long history of uttering disgusting, inappropriate words around you and your children.Three months ago, he drunkenly challenged you to fight after spilling beer on your son and calling him a little c—ksucker.DiGuilio claims to have no recollection of the incident.

“Bottom line, I think you’re full of s—t,” says DiGuilio.“That kid has totally heard that word before.Probably at school.I’ve said it around him.Vinny’s said it around him.This whole section says the word c—t every five minutes.And if you don’t like it, you can get the f—k out of this town.

“C—t,” he added.