Filed Under » Drew Magary

In a shocking new study released by the NFL Players Association, nearly 10-percent of all retired NFL players who have suffered concussions are homosexual.

“It’s a shocking finding,” said Dr. Robert Franklin, who led the study commissioned by late NFLPA head Gene Upshaw. “We began this study trying to figure out how concussions lead to symptoms such as severe headaches, memory loss, and light sensivity. But now we’ve found that many of these concussed players are also gay. You wouldn’t have ever guessed that.”

Until now, there has never any medical link between repeated blows to the head and homosexuality. But Franklin says this report may change that thinking.

“Obviously, none of these players started their careers gay,” says Franklin. “But after prolonged exposure to hard contact, it appears these men have, quite literally, had the gay knocked into them.”

One anonymous former player who participated in the study said he was shocked to learn that he was gay as a result of the study.

“I mean, I always was curious about men and their penises,” said the player, who asked to not be named. “But then I got hit by a Jerome Bettis' kickout block a while back, and BOOM! I’m as gay as the Tony Awards. You know, one day you’re having a nice time with your wife and children, the next minute you’re in a back alley going down on Trevor, whose name you got from a crude etching on the bathroom stall at the truck stop.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has acted swiftly in trying to protect players from concussions, and eventual gayness.

“Absolutely,” said Goodell in a press conference earlier today. “We are going to have a neurologist present on the sidelines of every game. If a player takes a blow to the head, we have a test in place they must pass if they want to re-enter the game. They need to know who they are, where they are, what the date is, and that they aren’t gay.”

But some argue the commissioner’s actions aren’t enough to protect players.

“Bottom line,” wrote one Washington Post columnist, “this is a violent game, and it’s going to turn some players gay unless the commissioner had a more clear cut policy about sitting out games, and not loitering around the Blue Iguana.”

A mere four days after saving her husband, Tiger Woods, from a parked automobile by smashing his windshield with a golf club, Elin Woods again saved her husband from a potentially catastrophic mosquito bite by cutting his penis off with an axe.

Police rushed to the golf superstar’s home in Isleworth, Florida, on Sunday morning after receiving calls from neighbors about Woods staggering out of his home in the middle of the night, carrying his own detached and bloody penis in his hand.

According to a statement from Woods’ publicist Glenn Greenspan, “At approximately 2:34AM this morning at their home, Tiger Woods and his wife Elin were up discussing how best to bring debt relief to the people of Africa, as they are known to do. At this time, Mrs. Woods noticed that a mosquito had landed on her husband’s penis and had begun sucking on it. I don’t need to tell you that mosquitoes are the number one carrier of malaria in the world today. Mrs. Woods knew that if she didn’t act quickly to get rid of that mosquito, her husband would almost certainly die.

“So, summoning an inner strength she never knew she had, she reached for an axe and bravely chopped off her husband’s genitalia,” the statement continued. “If Mrs. Woods had responded in the way that she had, the golf world may have lost a legend. My client is forever indebted to his wife for boldly slicing off his manhood.”

However, Isleworth police officers and others still have many questions for Mrs. Woods in the wake of her husband’s impromptu penile castration. They do not believe alcohol was involved, but anonymous sources say Woods had scratches all about his testicles and anus, and had a dagger sticking out of his shoulder at the time of the incident. “This story sounds awfully fishy to me,” said Harvey Levin of gossip giant TMZ. “If you wanted to get rid of the mosquito, why not a simple c-ckpunch?”

Tiger and Elin Woods were scheduled to meet with police on Monday morning, but have since delayed that meeting until a time that better suits their convenience. Greenspan estimates that time will be somewhere in the neighborhood of January 3045.

NBA free agent Allen Iverson has struck a 10-minute deal with Ruby Tuesday restaurant hostess Lisa Tierney.The deal pays Tierney a base level of two months rent in exchange for fornication in the restaurant’s stockroom.

“When Allen came to Lisa Tierney, he said he wanted to stay in Lisa Tierney, and today he makes good on his promise,” said Leon Rose, Iverson’s agent.“This deal ensures that Allen won’t be going anywhere for the next 10 minutes.”

The deal is backloaded with multiple incentives, including an additional orifice penetration if Iverson performs at an All-Star level.Iverson also negotiated for an out clause after seven minutes, allowing him to wade back into free agency waters.And he has an option to pick up an additional 5 minutes of intercourse at the end of 10 minutes if he so chooses.

The deal almost never came to pass.

“There was an awful lot of posturing at the beginning,” Rose admits.“First, Allen held out.Then, Lisa held out.Then, Allen held out some more.Then, Lisa held out a little more after that.But then, we all bore down and hammered it out.Allen and Lisa came together at the very last minute.In my experience, that’s usually how these backdoor deals get done.”

But rival agents say the deal artificially drives up the market for player groupie payoffs.

“Two months rent?” said longtime agent Gus Franklin.“That’s absurd.A steak dinner is the MAXIMUM amount a floozie should be paid at that slot.”

At a press conference announcing the deal, Iverson appeared jovial.

“This was never about money,” he said.“This was about passion.I knew, when I saw Ms. Tierney, that her womanhood was where I wanted to be.I definitely want to finish out my career in this vagina.”

Joan McPhail, a 48-year-old divorcee, has been living for some time in the basement of her son David, a professional sports blogger, according to published reports.

“I had fallen on some real hard times of late, man” she said.“I had been laid off from my job as a nurse, but thankfully, David was there to offer me a foldout couch down in his cellar.There’s also a ping pong table, and an extra computer for me to use, which is cool.”

However, David McPhail told reporters he is not exactly pleased with the arrangement.“She said she’d only be here until she got back on her feet.That was a YEAR ago.A freaking year.This isn’t a hotel.”

Joan McPhail, who often asks her son for money and subsists mainly on a diet of pizza rolls and Tato Skins, defended her extended stay in her son’s basement.“He knows I’m good for it.I’m working on something really big.You’ll see.When this thing I’ve got cooking hits, we’re all gonna be living in mansions.”

“She’s been saying that for months now,” said David.“Yet I constantly go down to the basement and she’s playing Call of Duty 2.I found weed in the couch yesterday.I just wish she had a bit more direction in life.That’s all.Look at me!I got a job.I work 9-to-5 for Football Outsiders and FOX.I made something of myself.You don’t see me lying around wasting my life.”

However, Joan McPhail counters that David shouldn’t be so hard on his own mother.“I’m his flesh and blood.I don’t see what the big deal is.He’s Mr. Big Shot Blog Guy, with this big house and all this food.What does he care if I chill for a bit?I just wish he’d get off my back.”

She then rolled her eyes.“I’m telling you, when I get into this glass blowing school next month, David will see that I haven’t been wasting my life.You watch.”

Officials for the Detroit Pistons and the Palace of Auburn Hills announced today the construction of 300 brand newsqualorsuites located in the general vicinity of the Pistons home arena.

“We owe it to the fans of Detroit to field the most competitive basketball team possible,” said team GM Joe Dumars.“But we simply couldn’t do that at our current revenue levels.Our hope is that the construction of these newsqualorboxes will help us bring in more talent, and revolutionize the game viewing experience for our fans.”

A recent staple of newer arenas and stadiums,squalorboxes can help increase the average team’s revenue by 20 to 50-percent.To help pay the $100 million needed for the construction of the new boxes, the Pistons brokered a deal with Auburn Hills officials that included the issuing of municipal bonds, and a one-cent rental car tax increase.The Pistons will contribute $10 million of their own money.

“This is a fair deal for the city of Detroit,” said Auburn Hills mayor Edward “Fast Eddie” Scagdiviglio.“It keeps the Pistons here, and it helps bring economic prosperity to the area.Just wait until you see these babies.They’re awesome.”

The boxes are designed by renowned Kansas City architecture firm Populous, and will consist of a six-foot by six-foot cardboard box (“double corrugated,” notes Scagdiviglio), placed in an alleyway no more than three miles from the arena, designated the Stratus Level of the Palace.Fans will be able to follow the game by listening to radio broadcasts blaring from the numerous police cruisers speeding through the metropolitan Detroit area.Amenities of everysqualorbox include a free used Wendy’s bag with a small amount of ketchup smeared on the inside, along with a shoebox for urination and defecation.Season-long leases for the boxes will retail for $4,000.

“Our goal was, simply put, to give some of our lower tier customers the opportunity to see real NBA basketball up close, with their families, at a reasonable price," said Dumars. "And this deal accomplishes that.”

But many decry the advent ofsqualorboxes.Squalorsuite holder Jez Maroney says, “I think, for $4,000, I deserve a box that has ONLY my urine in it.They’re phasing out the REAL fans with these boxes.”Many have also decried the widespread NBA team policy that allows luxury box patrons to spit onsqualorbox patrons at their leisure.

But Dumars scoffs at those complaints.“The fans are always our number one concern.We know this is a public trust.And that’s why thesesqualorboxes and NVIP suites are so crucial to the success of our team and our city.”

On the heels of turning down rules in favor of instant replay, Major League Baseball’s Rules Committee today also shot down a proposal introducing opposable thumbs to the national pastime.

“Why game need thumb?” said Grok, one of the committee’s ten sitting directors.“Thumb no make game same.”

Opposable thumbs were originally introduced by committee member Urg, who felt that the evolutionary digits could possibly assist in both the catching and throwing of balls.“Balls hard grip,” said Urg in his initial proposal.“Thumb make ball hand good.”

Support for Urg’s proposal appeared to be strong at first, with committee members Fraab, Keeeeee, and Porl all in favor of the new rule.However, Grok’s passionate defense of the no-thumbs rule swayed several people, as did his promise of fresh bananas and available cave floor space.Three votes were taken over the course of the committee’s closed door session, and many anonymous sources say feces were hurled during the arguments.Ultimately, the traditionalists prevailed.

“This good day for game,” said a triumphant Grok to the press, while wiping his hairy, protruding brow with his abnormally long forearm.“Keep human element.”

Many players were also relieved to know they would not have to adjust to the new rule requiring thumbs.“Me no want new glove,” said Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon.“New glove have ghost.”

The rules committee also shot down a host of new proposals intended to update the game for modern fans, including properly running water in stadiums, outlawing spearing in the bleachers, and using proper English.However, committee members did vote to have Urg, who proposed most of these new rules, pressed to death under a large wooden plank weighed down with heavy rocks and boulders.

Commissioner Bud Selig was unavailable for comment.

During heated intercourse with longtime girlfriend Savannah Brinson, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar Lebron James reportedly cried out the name KNICKS while in the throes of ecstasy.

“We were just having a nice evening, doing our thing,” said Brinson.“He was on top of me, grinding and pumping, when all of a sudden he just blurts the name right out.And I was like, ‘Hold up.Did you just say what I think you said?Did you just call me KNICKS?’And he just shook me off, saying, ‘Oh, no no.I was saying NICE.Like, this is some real nice intercourse we’re having.’But I know I heard what I heard.”

Brinson says this is not the first time James, who is slated to become an unrestricted free agent in the summer of 2010, has had his mind elsewhere during intercourse.

“When LeBron and I are making love, I expect him to be focused on ME,” she says.“But he’s always closing his eyes when we’re doing it, so I know he’s trying to visualize someone else.And just last week, I swear he screamed out D’ANTONI.He tried to tell me he was saying DAMN, HONEY.But he be creepin’.”

Brinson says she’s long been suspicious of her boyfriend’s constant flirtations with the Knicks, and the city of New York in general.“Oh, he’s always talking about the Knicks.ALWAYS.I see the way he looks at them.He’s always laughing around Nate Robinson, playfully punching him on the shoulder.Sometimes, I catch him talking to the Knicks late at night on the phone.And I’ll say, ‘Who was that?’And he’ll be like, ‘Nobody.’”

Brinson becomes emotional at the thought.

“I thought he loved me.We grew up through this together.We’ve been through a lot.But I guess his heart wants what it wants.I don’t know how much more I can take of this.Just last night, he asked me to role play Donnie Walsh.”

Residents of a Burlingame, California neighborhood were exasperated to learn that Golden State Warriors guard Stephen Jackson would again take his Beretta 92FS 9MM handgun out trick or treating on Halloween night.

“He does this every year,” said Jackson’s neighbor, Wanda Myers.“I keep telling him that the candy is FREE.He doesn’t need to wave a gun in my face to get a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.”

But Jackson insisted that taking his handgun trick or treating was a necessity in today’s day and age.

“Where I come from, if you’re not taking someone’s f—king candy, someone’s taking f—king candy from YOU,” he told reporters.“I’m a very famous person, and a lot of motherf—kers ou there wanna test Stephen Jackson.They wanna show they’re friends they’re the big man by stepping up to Stephen Jackson.Just yesterday, some little s—t in a ghost costume tried booing me.You’re gonna boo me?You’re gonna boo Stephen Jackson?Man, f—k you.I’mma GET mine.”

Jackson who has lived in this Burlingame neighborhood for years now, has reportedly never gone trick or treating without his handgun.Residents say that Jackson uses his gun to frequently circumvent many of the two-piece-per-trick-or-treater rule that they employ, and that Jackson often goes trick or treating on days other than Halloween, often as early as March.

“I’m used to leaving my door unlocked, because this is a very safe neighborhood,” said resident Tammy Johnson.“But the first year he moved here, he literally walked right through the door with his gun and asked my son, ‘Hey, where are the f—king Snickers at?’It was very disturbing.I haven’t left my door unlocked since.”

Burlingame residents have formed a neighborhood council to help deal with situation.Many considered banning the holiday altogether, while some Republican residents of the neighborhood suggested arming any children who decide to trick or treat on their own.

For his part, Jackson remains defiant.

“All these kids out there are trying to run around and scare my ass, dressing like witches and wizards and s—t,” he says.“Well, you come meet me and my nina, we’ll see who the really scary motherf—ker is.”

Kumi Mikoto, a 16-year-old geisha working assigned to the luxury suite level of the new Yankee Stadium, expressed deep regret on Tuesday that she did not laugh at the joke told by investment banking titan Don Kirschenbaum, her 54-year-old, thrice-divorced client.

“I did not realize he was making a joke until it was much too late,” she told reporters.“I suppose I could blame that on the weakness of the joke, but my job as a geisha is to provide hospitality for my clients during any game here at Yankee Stadium.It’s my job to be good company, which means laughing anytime my client says President Obama won’t rest until we’re all eating each other’s livers in the gutter.”

Mikoto has trained to be a luxury box geisha since she was five years old, sent away by her parents to Steinbrenner Geisha School in Sanibel, Florida, to master the basics of modern day baseball geishaing, which include: singing, dancing, playing of the lute, tea service, fetching and falling in love with clients even though it’s against geisha code, and even though you know damn well they don’t look upon you as they would a real woman.

“Mr. Kirschenbaum is a very good client,” insists Mikoto.“He’s very polite, and he’s only asked for oral sex once, which shows incredible restraint.I do not think he is in love with his wife.Sometimes, I picture us running away under a waterfall together.But I know it is not to be.Regardless, I should have laughed at that joke.I laughed in the fourth inning last night when he called Vlad Guerrero a f—king f-g, and I should have anticipated more jokes in that vein.”

Mikoto then gently cut herself with a letter opener.“I’m so stupid!SO STUPID AND NAÏVE!”

When asked if he would forgive Mikoto’s transgression, Kirschenbaum said, “What?The Jap chick?Sure.So long as she finally lets me slip her a grand to let me poke her.She’s got an ass like a newborn, that one.You just wanna give it a smack.I got some serious yellow fever for that goosha.”

University of Florida star offensive linemen Maurice Pouncey successfully passed an NCAA-mandated test for illegal substances yesterday.The test, which required Pouncey to urinate into a specimen cup with an NCAA official present, required the All-American to prepare for a grand total of nearly 20 hours, far surpassing the seven minutes he spent preparing for an exam he took three days ago in History of Magic 103.

“Oh man, that test is BRUTAL,” said Pouncey when it was all over.“You would not believe all the crap they make you account for.Even taking a Sudafed can result in a positive.I had to look up all the banned substances, then consult thirty-seven different medical journals to figure out what most of these things are, then double check to make sure it isn’t in any of my Myoplex bars.Now, you tell me, how is memorizing the chemical properties of hydratetrachloramine gonna help me out in the real damn world?

“And they only gave me five minutes to finish!” he added.“I can’t perform under that kind of stress.”

Pouncey also admit he had to spend six hours procuring contraband urine online as a precautionary measure.“You never know if something is gonna spring up on that test you weren’t aware of.They’re evil like that.”

But NCAA officials defended their use of strict drug testing.

“Sure, it’s a difficult test to pass,” said committee representative Tunch Malamar.“But that’s because we want our students to LEARN.If we made it so everyone passed the test, then how would we know if anyone learned anything?”

Pouncey says he also had to spend over 3 hours in a study group for the drug test, gathering with fellow teammates in the University library to discuss ways of possibly postponing the test, or proffering a written parental excuse.

“I also had to call my brother to hide in the stall while the NCAA stayed outside, so I could have him piss in my cup if I needed to.My boy hid in that stall for over an hour.Can you believe the crap they put us through for this?”

When asked about the history exam he also took, Pouncey said, “Oh, that?That was easy.Magic for Jocks, dude.Magic for Jocks.”