Luxury Box Geisha Probably Should Have Laughed At That Joke

Kumi Mikoto, a 16-year-old geisha working assigned to the luxury suite level of the new Yankee Stadium, expressed deep regret on Tuesday that she did not laugh at the joke told by investment ... Continue Reading →

Drug Test More Rigorously Prepared For Than History Test

University of Florida star offensive linemen Maurice Pouncey successfully passed an NCAA-mandated test for illegal substances yesterday.The test, which required Pouncey to urinate into ... Continue Reading →

SI Pop Culture Grid Actually a Sign of the Apocalypse

The nation’s leading astrologers and numerologists today announced to reporters that Sports Illustrated’s Pop Culture grid, in which athletes are asked various playful questions ... Continue Reading →

Jesus Wins 1,989th Consecutive Barefoot Waterskiing Title

For the 1989thconsecutive year, Jesus H. Christ of Bethlehem dominated the field at the World Barefoot Waterskiing Championships, held annually in Kenosha, Wisconsin.Christ swept all ... Continue Reading →

Rush Limbaugh Attempts To Buy St. Louis Ram

Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh submitted a formal bid today to purchase St. Louis Ram running back Steven Jackson.Officials close to the deal estimate Limbaugh’s bid at ... Continue Reading →

High School Quarterback Living Vicariously Through Alcoholic Father

East Valley High quarterback David Walker, a two-time Class AAAA state champion and consensus USA Today All-American, admitted to reporters today that most of the joy in his life is ... Continue Reading →

The Best Thing About October Is That You Cannot Script It! — By Tim McCarver

Hey there, baseball fans!It’s just about October, and if you’re like me, you are EXCITED.That means the World Series is going to be played soon.There are other months, like ... Continue Reading →

$20 Home Passes Allow Fans To See Cowboys Stadium At Home

After selling more than 30,000 “Party Passes” for $29 to help set the NFL’s single-game attendance record on opening night, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced ... Continue Reading →

Let’s Have a Loud Conversation At The Stadium Urinal Trough!

By Jim Spetzko, Local Baseball Fan Hey, Mike!Mikey!I gotta piss!You gotta piss?Let’s piss together!At the stadium urinal trough!And let’s talk while we do it!Let’s ... Continue Reading →

Terrible Player Great At All The Little Things

Frankie Walker, a horrible backup shortstop for the Class A Visalia Oaks, was praised today by his manager and teammates for being good at all the little, inconsequential things that, ... Continue Reading →

AAAAAHHHHRGGGHHIIIYYYYYOOOWWWWW!!!! by Gus Johnson

Second down and 10 at the 13.Orton in the gun, Buckhalter right next to him.Orton pumps again.To the sideline… Batted uppp… AAAAAHHHHRGGGHHIIIYYYYYOOOWWWWW!!!!AHHHHHH!!!! ... Continue Reading →

Yankees Fan Stunned Your Son Has Never Heard the Word C–t Before

Salvatore DiGuilio, a Yankees season ticket holder who sits two rows behind you, expressed shock and dismay today that your son has never heard the word c—t before. “Really?Seriously?” ... Continue Reading →

Tila Tequila Accuses Shawne Merriman of Murdering Her

Amid previous allegations of battery and false imprisonment, reality TV star Tila Tequila today filed additional charges against her boyfriend, Chargers All-Pro linebacker Shawne Merriman, ... Continue Reading →

Champion Deep-Sea Diver Ignores Crew Requests to Bring Back Lobster

Portuguese deep-sea diver Poreto smashed the world record for unaided deep-sea diving today, diving over 600 feet down into the Pacific Ocean, despite numerous pleas from his boat crew ... Continue Reading →

Today’s Debate: Michigan Football Controversy

Every other sports media outlet has a format in which talking-head morons yell foolish, reactionary blather at each other, resulting in absolutely no cogent point other than that they ... Continue Reading →