Filed Under » Drew Magary

With nearly half his league’s teams reeling from massive operating losses, NBA commissioner David Stern today declared that he would begin charging both players and fans for free throws.

“It’s an unfortunate result of our economic climate,” said Stern.“Right now, many of our teams are simply not generating the kind of revenue needed to preserve competitive balance within the league.”

Stern went on to blame the massive revenue losses on NBA players, whom he said earn a disproportionate amount of money in relation to league grosses, as well as NBA fans, who have declined to watch subpar teams such as the Grizzlies, Nets, Grizzlies, Wizards, and Grizzlies.

“This league was built on fans,” Stern said.“Without their support, we suffer.So really, it’s their fault.”

According to the new rules, any player who is fouled will face a surcharge before stepping to the free throw line (which will now be renamed the throw line).Fees will be based on a percentage of the player’s salary.Players making more will be charged more for the right to shoot two throws.If the player cannot afford the surcharge, the throws will be counted as missed and the fouling team will regain possession.Players such as Kobe Bryant, who is fouled nearly 20 times a game, are expected to lose tens of thousands of dollars per game.

Further, fans in attendance will be charged ten cents apiece for each throw.Fans watching at home will see the surcharge appear added to their cable bill.

Fans around the nation were outraged by the announcement.

“This is a disgrace,” said Knicks fan Mike Chester.“If Dick Bavetta is doing a game, I’ll be flat broke by the halftime.

But Stern defended the new practice.

“These throws have been free for far too long,” said Stern.“We have to diversify our revenue streams, and this is one of the least invasive ways of doing it.”

Stern also announced that Dick Bavetta will now officiate every NBA game in perpetuity.

NBC News’ switchboard and email inboxes were jammed this week with complaint after complaint from viewers outraged that they were shown footage of a tragic plane crash in Austin on tape delay only.

“It’s a disgrace,” said emailer Jim Atwell.“You people at NBC should be completely disgusted with yourselves.It’s the 21stcentury, and you’re still airing plane crashes on tape delay?FOR SHAME.”

The crash, in which disgruntled software engineer Joseph Stack deliberately piloted a small plane into an Austin building that housed offices of both the FBI and IRS, was shown on the MSNBC network well after it had taken place.Many viewers expressed annoyance that they knew the results of the crash well before they went to tune in.

“Whoever is in charge of programming this crash should be hit with a plane,” said emailer Fran Walters.“I had already read about the crash online.And here comes NBC, Mr. Johnny Come Lately, with the footage of burning buildings and ambulances ten minutes later?Pathetic.”

A voicemail left by viewer David Fursby was even more vituperative.“This is a marquee news event.How does NBC explain NOT showing us the footage of this crash live, as it occurred?”

After leaving his voicemail, Fursby noted to reporters that this is not the first time NBC News has practiced such chicanery.

“It’s unconscionable.They show us footage of the Austin plane crash.Then, just when I was getting into it, they switch over to footage of the Haiti earthquake.And THAT was on tape delay too!And in between that, I had to suffer through some God awful puff piece about a soldier in Iraq whose father died when he young.Are you kidding me?”

NBC News president Steve Capus defended his network’s programming choices.

“We don’t actually have cameras there live when a plane crash occurs, because it is a spontaneous event,” said Capus.“While a minority of loud voices may complain about not being able to see the crash live, the fact is that tape delaying our coverage hasn’t hurt our bottom line one bit.”

Capus noted that ratings for the crash were up 10% over the network’s coverage of the Buffalo plane crash of May 2009.

“We’re going to keep doing what is in the best interests of out network,” said Capus.

That statement didn’t sit well with viewers like Fursby.

“I hope FOX wins the rights to the next plane crash,” he said, shaking with anger.

In a stunning a result, the heretofore little regarded Red Sox Nation Bobsled Team placing a shocking third in the 4-Man Bobsled finals today in Vancouver, posting a time of 3:23:98 and capturing the bronze behind Sweden (gold) and Germany (silver).

Team captain Neil “Sully” O’McSullivan was ecstatic with the result.“This is fahhhh every fackin’ RED SAWX FAN BACK HOME!WE FACKIN’ LOVE YOU GUYS!YANKEES SACK!”

It was an upset for this Red Sox Nation Bobsled team to even make it Vancouver to begin with.The team’s qualifying trials for the Games were marred when fourth member of the crew Robert “Bawbby” O’Sheagerald was forced to withdraw from the team after saying that while he “hated the s—t” out of Derek Jeter, he really respected the way he played the game.

But O’Sheagerald’s replacement, Thomas “Tawmmy” O’Learyhan of Quincy, MA, proved more than a capable substitute, helping the team post a Red Sox Nation record time at qualifying trials and setting up the team’s miraculous Vancouver run.

Fans of the team were delighted.

“Whey-ah the fack ahhh we, Vancouvah?THIS TOWN BLOWS.It’s nawt cloudy enough!Real towns have clouds!” said fan Jack “Sully” FitzSullivan, one of many wearing the trendy pink Red Sox Nation Bobsled team hats around town.“But whatevah.This brawnze medal just proves that the fackin’ Red Sawx ahhhh the best baseball team in history, and that OW-AH FANS AHHHH THE ONLY TRUE FANS OUT THEY-AH!!!!”

The Red Sox Nation team outclassed more traditional outfits like Switzerland and Norway to capture 3rdplace in the finals, but their finish was not without controversy.Some have disputed the true nationality of the team’s runner, John “Thah Jawnstah!” McO’MacDonald, who was born in Philadelphia.

But McO’MacDonald defended himself to reporters.“I am no cahhpetbaggahhhhh!!!” he said, while dipping six tins of Kodiak simultaneously.“I may have been barn in Philly Nation.But my hahhhht has always been here-ah!THESE AHH MY PEOPLE!”

This is Red Sox Nation’s first-ever gold medal in the Winter Olympics.The country has long been known as a powerhouse in the Special Olympics, but this new bobsled triumph has them setting their sights a bit higher.

“This shows you can do anything if you hate the fackin’ Yankees enough,” said Sully.The first one.

Whitey McCloud, a very frail 98-year-oldman living on your street, stopped you today as you were heading to your car to remind you that there are only 21 days left until pitchers and catchers report to spring training.

“Can you hear it?Can you smell it in the air?I’m sure all you kids out there are ready to leave your compunets and carphones behind to soak in the sight of our grand game!” asked Jackson, whose brain may or may not be at last failing him.“Just 21 days.Only three weeks left until that magical time of year!”

When you informed McCloud that you were unaware of what he was referring to, McCloud offered a look of both disgust and horror.“Baseball, my boy!BASEBALL!Jeezum crow, has time passed me by so much that youngsters today can’t even get excited about baseball anymore!” asked McCloud, whom time has passed by with considerable swiftness and cruelty.

McCloud, who has gray hair sprouting from seemingly very orifice, also took time while stopping you to regale you with endless anecdotes about watching baseball and/or listening to baseball on the radio in the family parlor back when he was a very small child.“I remember when ol’ Joey Tin Shoes and I snuck into Ebbets Field!Now THAT was a day!We got peanuts for a nickel and had the time of our lives!Let’s see you do that while playing your Space Instigators!”

Psychologist Frank Marron of Carnegie Mellon University notes that, around this time of year, many elderly Americans feel the urge to express excitement over the beginning of baseball.

“It’s a signpost in their lives,” explains Marron.“It means that they’ve made it another year, and that there may be hope that they’ll live long enough to see at least one meaningless split squad game.Or, if they’re lucky, that they’ll live through yet another entire, seemingly interminable baseball season.”

Marron says McCloud, who apparently is unaware of the existence of more exciting sports such as football, displays many of the characteristics common to baseball fans who have been seemingly fossilized in amber for hundreds of years.“Notice how disappointed he looks when you tell him you think baseball is boring.That’s very common.Among the elderly, the brain has deteriorated to the point where they cannot comprehend the idea that baseball is dull and pointless, especially with the advent of the Internet and MMORPG gaming.”

For his part, McCloud appeared undeterred by your indifference.He handed you a dime.“That’s for a bleacher seat, sonny.NOW GET READY FOR THE BOYS OF SUMMER!”

Florida quarterback and 2007 Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow wowed scouts at the Senior Bowl in Mobile today when he showed off a picture of an aborted, third trimesterfetus.

Before engaging in seven-on-seven passing drills, Tebow took a moment to address scouts personally.

“I know that a lot of people have derided my footwork, and my throwing mechanics,” said Tebow, who holds every major SEC passing record, yet cannot throw a football without both his feet leaving the ground.“But, before you judge me as a football player, I’d like to show you this.”Tebow then unveiled a color photograph of a bloodyfetushe named “Julia”.

“Look at her,” said Tebow.“She has fingernails, fingers, toes.She can even cough, just like you and I.Now you look at this picture and tell me I can’t help a team in the NFL.”

Scouts were blown away by Tebow’s display.Said one anonymous scout for an AFC team, “I thought he threw the ball like a man with Bell’s Palsy, but then I realized what a good person he is.It really opened my eyes.We should totally draft him now.”

Other scouts agreed.“I had originally clocked Tebow at 5.1 in the 40.But then he talked about how his own mother refused to abort him, even though doctors warned her she might die from complications.What a fine example this young man sets for us all.I’m totally changing his 40 time to 4.6 now.That’s definite first round material, right there.”

Scouts also noticed that their opinions of Tebow’s footwork, which is sloppier than a Manwich, wildly improved the more Tebow discussed introducing death row inmates to the power of evangelical Christianty.“Usually, I watch Tebow play and all I can think, ‘Oh, God.He’s like Rick Mirer, only slower,’” said one NFC scout.“But this guy has such courage in his convictions.How can you not draft a guy like that?”

Scouts also watched as Tebow bench pressed 225 pounds six times.“Normally, for QB’s, that fairly average,” said the scout.“But when you think about all those starving kids in Malaysia he’s helped introduce to the power of his Lord and savior Jesus Christ, my goodness he certainly FELT stronger than all the other QBs out there.”

“I may not agree with his views,” said the scout, “But I respect the hell out of him.You talk about a leader.That’s why I’m going to totally shave an extra tenth of a second off his lousy shuttle run time.For Julia.”

Point: Sexual Addiction Is A Disease I Must Overcome, by Tiger Woods

My name is Tiger Woods, and I am an addict.

I can’t believe I’m saying that. But there it is: The naked, unvarnished truth. I have hit the rock bottom of my life. I have lost my wife. I have lost my children. And I have lost my reputation. And all of it is because I failed to recognize that I had an illness – sexual addiction – and that I let that illness take control of my life.

I’ve learned in my time at Pine Grove rehab center that sexual addiction is not unlike being addicted to alcohol or drugs. In all instances, the addiction serves to loosen your grip on reality, and to redirect all your priorities to serving it. You become, for lack of a better word, insane. And that is what happened to me. I was a servant to my own addiction, willing to do insane things to satisfy it. And I was too much of a selfish bastard – and I completely deserve that title and worse – to see it. I thought had control over it. I thought I could “manage” my life perfectly. But I couldn’t.

Many times, I found myself with my wife and children and thinking only of arranging sexual encounters with other women. And I often found myself thinking about sex when I should have been concentrating on my job, which was part of the reason I fared so poorly in Majors last year. It’s true. For someone supposedly so focused on golf, I was anything but.

But I refuse to succumb to this illness that has devastated many of those around me. I’m willing now to admit that I cannot control this addiction on my own, and that I need help. I will use these horrible circumstances to overcome this disease, and be the person my father and mother always expected me to be. Failure isn’t an option. And I refuse to take my addiction lightly.

Counterpoint: MORE VAGINA!!!!!!!!! By Tiger Woods’ Penis

MORE VAGINA!!!!!!!!

WHERE IS IT? WHERE’S MORE? GIMME GIMME GIMME! I HAVEN’T SEEN A VAGINA IN MINUTES! THERE’S SO MUCH VAGINA OUT THERE! NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

LOOK AT THAT GIRL! SHE HAS A VAGINA! LET’S ROCK THAT HONEYPOT! LOOK! OVER THERE! TWO GIRLS! DOUBLE THE VAG FOR DADDY! I’M READY TO MAKE SOME VAG MAGIC! WHERE ARE WE? MISSISSIPPI? DO YOU THINK THERE’S VAGINA HERE! WELL, LET’S GO GET IT, MAN! VAG IS A WASTING!

WHAT? YOU DON’T WANT VAGINA ANYMORE? WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT?! IT’S VAGINA! IT’S SO SOFT, AND WARM, AND EASY ACCESSIBLE GIVEN OUR INCOME LEVEL! YOU STUPID IDIOT! YOU’RE ALREADY DIVORCED! VAGINA AHOY! AVAST, YE VAGINA!

GIVE ME MORE VAGINA! TOO MUCH VAG IS NEVER ENOUGH!!!!!!

In an announcement widely anticipated by Kentucky basketball fans across Lexington, freshman point guard sensation John Wall today declared his intentions to enter drunken freshman Ashley Harbrough.

At a hastily convened press conference this afternoon, flanked by his mother and UK coach John Calipari, Wall announced the news to the Wildcat faithful.

“Obviously, this won’t come as a shock to you,” said a quiet but confident Wall. “But since I arrived here on the Kentucky campus, many very interesting opportunities have come my way. I think the time has come for me to see what I can do out there, and that’s why today, I am making it official that I plan on entering Ashley Harbrough at approximately 10:15PM this evening.”

Wall said he has already filed the necessary paperwork needed to enter Harbrough. But he added that he has yet to hire an agent, and that he can choose to pull out of Harbrough at any time if he pleases.

“This was not the easiest decision to make,” said Wall in a surprising move. “I had plenty of other options. Lisa. Angela. Pamela. Renee. I could have entered any of them. But to me, Ashley Harbrough is where it’s at.”

When reached for comment, a visibly drunk and bleary-eyed Harbrough reacted to the news with great enthusiasm. “John Walllll? Oh, I LOVE HIM! OMIGOD, he is like a God around here. I’d totally let him do whatever he wanted to me. In the mouth, whatever. He’s just like… amazing! I’M GONNA DO JOHN WALL WOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Wall is just the sixth freshman in Kentucky history to declare early for entering Harbrough. The last to do so was sophomore and Delta Upsilon member Brinks Campbell, back in October of 2009.

In a costly blow to his bid to surpass Jack Nicklaus’ record 18 career major tournament victories, golf superstar Tiger Woods will reportedly be forced to cede seven of his career major wins to his soon-to-be ex-wife, Elin Nordgren, in a potentially record-breaking divorce settlement.

“Oh, Christ. She cleaned me out,” said Woods an anonymous friend. “She took everything: the house, the kids, the Bugatti, the 2005 British. Where the hell am I gonna find a 2005 British Open title now?”

In addition to the 2005 British Open crown, Nordgren is now also the winner of the 2000 and 2008 US Opens, the 2000 and 2006 British Opens, and 1997, 2001, and 2005 Masters.

“She took all the good ones,” lamented Woods. “My first Masters. My last Masters. Pebble Beach. The Open I won with the bad knee. The first major I won after Dad died. She took all of them. Now all I have are my stupid PGA Championship titles, and no one cares about those. Heartless.”

It’s a stunning development for Woods, who seemed a lock to secure his 19th major title sometime within the next decade. But, with his total major victories now cut down to a mere seven, many golf analysts say the star faces a very difficult uphill climb.

“Oh, there’s no doubt this is a setback,” said golf analyst Ian Baker-Finch. “But, when you think about it, he should consider himself lucky he still HAS seven of them! She could have taken plenty more, believe you me."

“Damn,” added Baker-Finch, “That is one high price to pay for a little touch o’ the fanny.”

On the flipside of Woods’ struggles, Elin Nordgren now finds herself seventh on the list most majors won all time, tied with greats like Arnold Palmer, Sam Snead, Gene Sarazen, Bobby Jones, Harry Vardon, and her husband.

Where do Nordgren’s victories put her in the pantheon of all time greats?

“She’s definitely up there now,” says Baker-Finch. “And to be the only woman on that list, that is something. I’ll never forget when she won the 1997 Masters and became the first Swedish chick to take home the green jacket. What a moment. Wait, that’s what happened now? Wow.”

In a crippling blow to his considerably large and extremely lucrative portfolio of sponsorship deals, white people today announced that they would drop Tiger Woods as their lead spokesman.

“In light of Tiger’s very public and embarrassing examples of infidelity, we cannot continue our business relationship together,” said white person Blake Rutherford IV. “We wish Tiger the very best of luck in his future endeavors, should they be with black people, Thai people, or one of those other types of people.”

Woods’ relationship with white people goes back over a decade, when he was first brought on to endorse the Caucasian race after winning the Masters in 1997 by a historic margin.

“Their initial endorsement deal was very small,” said advertising analyst Matt Smith. “Woods, at that time, was still something of an unknown quantity. White people aren’t going to bring on any endorser full time who doesn’t fit snugly with their brand image. But then he won that Masters, and did the gay fist-pumping thing, and you knew he had real appeal for the core white demographic.”

But after winning major championship after major championship, Woods soon became white people’s most crucial and effective spokespeople, even more so than Matt Lauer, Jim Nantz, and The Republican Party. He appeared in over 2,000 ads for white people, and attended numerous cocktail parties and fundraiser dinners on their behalf. Smith estimates that Woods’ presence helped revenue for white people grow an astounding 76% over the past ten years.

“You think about all the products white people have sold since Tiger Woods came on board: golf clubs, golf shoes, golf hats, sweater vests, Crest Whitestrips, Buicks… you’re talking an absolute explosion in the sales of white-themed products.”

But Woods extramarital romps caused white people to quickly rethink the relationship.

“I mean, my goodness,” said Lily Harrington of the Montauk Harringtons, a longtime director of white people, “He’s out there with all these… floozies! He’s clearly not the sort of person we thought him to be. It’s all so terribly PUBLIC. It’s not in line with our values as a race.

“It’s so disappointing,” she said, “I expected so much more from a fellow who isn’t really all that black.”

Grizzlies forward Zach Randolph had the best shooting night of his career last night at Senses, a nightclub in downtown Memphis.

“Oh my God, it was incredible,” said patron Gabby Smith. “He was on fire tonight. It was like he couldn’t miss.”

Indeed, Randolph shot an incredible 12-for-12 with his Glock automatic handgun, even hitting a difficult bank shot that caromed off a steel beam and blew off the finger of a cocktail waitress, just before police arrived.

“I’ve never had a night like that,” said an exhausted but ecstatic Randolph. “I just got into that zone, and suddenly everyone’s head was, like, THIS BIG. Sometimes the stars align and you end up taking down twelve a—holes who totally had it coming.”

Randolph’s friends said they never saw this performance coming from Randolph. “He must have had thirty beers before we went out tonight, “said friend Juan Davis. “And he was totally out of shape, too. But then we got to the club, and he took out his gun, and it was like you flicked a switch. Just an amazing night to be a part of.”

Randolph says he can’t guarantee his hot streak will continue, but that he’ll keep trying. “You never know,” he told reporters afterwards. “You have a shooting night like this, maybe it’s an omen of good things to come. I mean, I was hitting people from inside and outside. It definitely makes you think someone is up there guiding you. And your hollow-point bullets.”