Filed Under » derek jeter

With the regular season quickly approaching, Yankee executives are quietly becoming concerned about team captain Derek Jeter’s inability to decide which unbelievably hot woman he is going to date for the 2012 season.

“We’ve heard that there are plenty of options available, including at least three South American supermodels, two actresses, and four porn stars, but Derek hasn’t finalized anything yet,” Yankee general manager Brian Cashman said. “It’s a concern. You hope to have these things out of the way by now so he can focus on baseball. Plus, it doesn’t only affect him. What is the YES Network going to do if they can’t cut to some hot chick every time Derek comes up to bat?”

The pressure on Jeter to finalize a girlfriend takes on extra importance in light of Alex Rodriguez dating former WWE diva Torrie Wilson, meaning if nothing changes, YES would be forced to decide between shots of a muscular woman in her late 30s or no player girlfriends at all.

“It’s okay for one of them to start the season without a hot girlfriend but for both of them to not be dating anyone worthy of gossiping about? That’s just disrespecting the whole organization, I’m ashamed to be their teammates at this point,” Yankees right fielder Nick Swisher said. “I really hope they step up and do the right thing.”

The blogosphere did briefly heat up last month with news that Yankee outfielder Brett Gardner had begun dating a supporting actress from several Broadway musicals but when this was brought up to Yankee co-owner Hank Steinbrenner, he laughed saying that he’d rather “put the camera on a drunken hobo pissing in the alley.”

Christian Lopez, the Yankees fan who caught Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit and then exchanged the ball for tickets and memorabilia, says he has been contacted by New York general manager Brian Cashman about a further deal involving the Yankee shortstop.

“Brian called me today at work and asked if I’d be interested in taking Jeter off his hands,” said Lopez. “He said I could keep all the stuff I got for the Jeter ball, only now I’d get Derek, too, in exchange for … well, he said anything I wanted to give. A baseball, my recycling, an old rug, whatever.”

Cashman confirmed that he has been in contact with Lopez.

“My job is to always look for ways to improve this team,” said Cashman. “Milestones or not, the fact is that Derek is batting .270, has three home runs, a .683 OPS and has limited range and we’re trying to win a World Series. So this big Jeter fan comes along and I thought he might be open to taking Derek off our hands.”

Lopez said he appreciates the offer, but isn’t sure he can make it work.

“I live in a one-bedroom apartment,” he said. “I don’t want to give up my bed, but I don’t want a Yankees legend to sleep on my old couch or on the floor either. Plus, what will he eat? I’m not a big cook. My fridge is mainly milk for cereal, some beer and old pizza boxes. It would be a big lifestyle change.”

Derek Jeter’s fielding range yielded its 3,000th hit last night on weak ground ball up the middle in the 5th inning. Jeter went to his left to field a ball that almost all of his contemporaries would have gotten to, but the grounder got past his glove by several feet for a single and history was made.

“I thought I made a good pitch and that it should have been a routine out. You never want to be on the mound for a 3,000th hit,” said Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia, who overcame the hit to put up a scoreless inning. “But I don’t mind being part of this. I really hope Derek gets his due recognition for this remarkable record. He deserves it.”

During the early stages of Jeter’s career, most couldn’t have conceived of his range one day allowing 3,000 hits. But the Yankee captain’s pursuit of the mark has really taken off in the past few years, as he has racked up several 300-hit seasons in his mid-to-late 30s.

In his usual way, Jeter deflected talk of the individual record.

“It’s not something I want to talk about,” he said. “I mean, at all. The attention is embarrassing. Really embarrassing. I’m just glad we got the win. Please, can we never speak of this again?”

Yankee captain Derek Jeter worked all offseason to change his approach at the plate after a career-worst 2010 campaign. But after an ever worse start to the 2011 season, Jeter is already abandoning those changes.

“I need to go back to what worked for me during my prime,” said Jeter, whose average is hovering around .200. “I hoped using that fat plastic bat would help me make contact, but I feel like I look foolish out there — even more foolish than I look with a regular wood bat.”

The few times Jeter has made contact this season, the ball cracked his plastic bat or the contact resulted in nothing but a weak ground ball. The short, two-foot bat also had him struggling to get to any pitches on the outside corner.

“I’m not sure if I’ll be any better with a real wood bat,” said Jeter. “In fact, I’m sure I won’t be. But at least I’ll be able to go out with what remains of my dignity.”