"I personally know of six columnists working on that story already," said a Yankees media relations staffer. "Three local guys and three national guys. They all asked me individually how Derek is single-handedly willing this team to victory and I told them that he isn't at all. That he isn't even around. That seemed to disappoint them. But I know the columns are still in the works. They'll just pull some stuff out of their asses like always. I bet it's something like 'the standard of excellence he demanded inspires the team even in his absence.'"
At the start of the season, when the Yankees were expected to be awful and then got off to a slow start columnists were racing to publish pieces that made the case that the Yankees simply could not win without Jeter in the lineup. As though his absence alone would bring down the historic franchise. But then they started winning, forcing a different angle.
"It doesn't matter if we went 0-162, 162-0 or 81-81, Derek was going to come out of this smelling like roses," said the media relations staffer. "That's just how it's been for 18 years and nothing will ever change that. I mean, the guy has been surrounded by top talent for the last 12 years, yet he got just one World Series title in that time. Still his 'leadership' and 'winner' credentials remain flawless in the eyes of the media. No doubt he's an all-time great, but this team hasn't missed a beat with Eduardo Nunez and Jayson Nix in his place. So, yeah. Derek's reputation is set for life and nothing will ever change that. Especially not when there are dozens of writers who always count on mailing in 'Derek Jeter is awesome' columns three or four times a season."
11:10 a.m. Is so lazy he just lays underneath the model while she has sex with him.
11:30 a.m. Takes nap while the late-morning model shift changes.
12:00 p.m. Asks new model if his penis is still there, because he hasn't seen it lately thanks to his "huge gut." New model makes him aware of its existence.
12:30 p.m. Finally gets around to bathing, but just sits there yawning while receiving a tongue bath from the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.
1:00 p.m. Lazily has a chauffeur drive him to an exclusive lunch spot.
1:30 p.m. Is immediately seated, possibly because he doesn't have the strength to stand there and wait for a table.
1:35 p.m. Has two appetizers and three waitresses.
He'll be back in three months. We may never recover.
"We've heard that there are plenty of options available, including at least three South American supermodels, two actresses, and four porn stars, but Derek hasn't finalized anything yet," Yankee general manager Brian Cashman said. "It's a concern. You hope to have these things out of the way by now so he can focus on baseball. Plus, it doesn't only affect him. What is the YES Network going to do if they can't cut to some hot chick every time Derek comes up to bat?"
The pressure on Jeter to finalize a girlfriend takes on extra importance in light of Alex Rodriguez dating former WWE diva Torrie Wilson, meaning if nothing changes, YES would be forced to decide between shots of a muscular woman in her late 30s or no player girlfriends at all.
"It's okay for one of them to start the season without a hot girlfriend but for both of them to not be dating anyone worthy of gossiping about? That's just disrespecting the whole organization, I'm ashamed to be their teammates at this point," Yankees right fielder Nick Swisher said. "I really hope they step up and do the right thing."
The blogosphere did briefly heat up last month with news that Yankee outfielder Brett Gardner had begun dating a supporting actress from several Broadway musicals but when this was brought up to Yankee co-owner Hank Steinbrenner, he laughed saying that he'd rather "put the camera on a drunken hobo pissing in the alley."
The New York Post reported that Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter sends off his one-night stands with a gift bag including signed memorabilia. What a charmer! Here's what some of Jeter's Yankees teammates and fellow Yankee legends give their conquests
Joba Chamberlain: gonorrhea
CC Sabathia: an expensive box of chocolates (mostly eaten)
A.J. Burnett: shaving cream pie and an overwhelming sense of regret
Jorge Posada: catching equipment that he doesn't use anymore
He can't field, throw, run or slide. HALL OF FAMER!
"Brian called me today at work and asked if I'd be interested in taking Jeter off his hands," said Lopez. "He said I could keep all the stuff I got for the Jeter ball, only now I'd get Derek, too, in exchange for well, he said anything I wanted to give. A baseball, my recycling, an old rug, whatever."
Cashman confirmed that he has been in contact with Lopez.
"My job is to always look for ways to improve this team," said Cashman. "Milestones or not, the fact is that Derek is batting .270, has three home runs, a .683 OPS and has limited range and we're trying to win a World Series. So this big Jeter fan comes along and I thought he might be open to taking Derek off our hands."
Lopez said he appreciates the offer, but isn't sure he can make it work.
"I live in a one-bedroom apartment," he said. "I don't want to give up my bed, but I don't want a Yankees legend to sleep on my old couch or on the floor either. Plus, what will he eat? I'm not a big cook. My fridge is mainly milk for cereal, some beer and old pizza boxes. It would be a big lifestyle change."
Suck it, Bonds!
"I thought I made a good pitch and that it should have been a routine out. You never want to be on the mound for a 3,000th hit," said Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia, who overcame the hit to put up a scoreless inning. "But I don't mind being part of this. I really hope Derek gets his due recognition for this remarkable record. He deserves it."
During the early stages of Jeter's career, most couldn't have conceived of his range one day allowing 3,000 hits. But the Yankee captain's pursuit of the mark has really taken off in the past few years, as he has racked up several 300-hit seasons in his mid-to-late 30s.
In his usual way, Jeter deflected talk of the individual record.
"It's not something I want to talk about," he said. "I mean, at all. The attention is embarrassing. Really embarrassing. I'm just glad we got the win. Please, can we never speak of this again?"
That jersey doesn't even have intangibles.