The NBA announced today that Tuesday, December 21stwill be “Throwback Night” around the league. Fans will be treated to players in throwback uniforms, classic rock and disco blaring from P.A. systems, and broadcasters clad in humorous attire and period wigs.
The biggest change, however, will be evident on the players’arms, legs, and necks: in order to truly capture the vibe of 30 years ago, players will have their tattoos removed.
“It’s something we’ve been talking about for some time now,” said commissioner David Stern on the Dan Patrick Show. “We really wanted to take the ‘throwback night’ concept to some new places and truly be able to capture the sights, sounds, and atmosphere of old-time basketball. As an added bonus, we get to see our players, the guys who represent our league, as regular people instead of vaguely terrifying, inked-up freaks.”
Players will begin the process of having their tattoos removed a week before Throwback Night. Thanks to new technology, the removal should be quick and painless for most players.
“It’s pretty easy nowadays,” said Stern. “They just laser that stuff right off. Piece of cake. Some players, however, may have it harder than others. Take Carmelo Anthony, for instance. He has a lot of tattoos and no amount of modern technology is going to make it easy to get rid of them. It’s going to be a long, grueling day for him – which he’ll probably commemorate with a tattoo when it’s all over.”
Stern said he was “surprised”that the players union agreed to the tattoo-removal plan so quickly. But players say they’re willing to do anything for the league that has treated them so well.
"Hey, if the league wants us to help out with this, I’m cool with it,” said Nuggets guard J.R. Smith. “In fact, I might even leave my tattoos off. I’m getting kind of tired of them anyway. I really miss my arms. They used to be so pristine. Now they look like the side of an abandoned building in the Bronx.”
Indeed, several players have admitted that they will leave themselves tattoo-free even after Throwback Night, including noted tattoo-enthusiast and whack job Chris Anderson.
“This is a big opportunity for me to right some wrongs,” said Anderson. “When I got these tats I felt like I was going to love them forever. But to my utter shock and dismay, I grew older and wiser. Now I finally have an excuse to get rid of them. Sure, I won’t look as eccentric anymore, but at least I’ll still have the retarded hairdo.”