Von Miller needs to get more clothes at Sears.
"They were all just pictures of him throwing short passes to Wes [Welker]," said Brady. "Little five, six, seven-yard crossing patterns. It was tough to see. What a terrible way to start the day."
Brady's wife, model Gisele Bundchen, said Manning twisting the knife about acquiring the services of his rival's best receiver was even crueler because "Tommy had only been asleep for about an hour. He had been up crying all night about not being able to play with Wesley anymore. I tried to tell him that Wesley is terrible and can't catch, but you know how boys are with their friends."
Each photo Manning sent got more provocative. The first photo was just the quarterback and his new possession receiver shaking hands. The last one was of a 10-yard completion on a crossing pattern in the end zone, both players smiling and shirtless, with the caption: "2013-14 SUPER BOWL CHAMPS!"
"That really hurt Tommy, because he and Wesley always liked to pretend that they won Super Bowls," said Bundchen. "They never did together, of course, but what imaginations!"
Amazing with that physique that he always falls apart at the end of seasons.
"Dadgummit, Peyton! When will you learn?" Archie yelled, after his middle son set up the Ravens to win the game with an awful interception in Denver territory. "Eli! Get over here, boy!"
Archie then plucked Eli off the couch, where he had been coloring in a Transformers coloring book, and began spanking his bottom. By the time Ravens kicker Justin Tucker's game-winning kick sailed through the uprights, little Eli was left crying in the corner of the room his mother, Olivia, trying to soothe him with an offer of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"Archie has always loved Peyton the most, everyone knows that," said Olivia. "Peyton is the most talented and Archie had the highest hopes for him. So he gets angry when Peyton fails. And he can't seem to stop from taking out that frustration on poor, little, innocent Eli."
The Manning Family patriarch said he wishes he hadn't spanked Eli.
"Peyton just tries so dang hard and can't seem to win anything unless Rex Grossman is facing him," said Archie. "And then you see Eli there with two Super Bowl rings. Eli, who is slow-witted and doesn't even like football. Eli, who would rather spend his days coloring and looking for butterflies than playing football. Eli, who has basically had only two good months in his whole career. Two Super Bowl rings. It just it just makes me so angry. I'm sorry, but I have to go spank him again."
"I don't mean to sound boastful, but facts are facts," said Flacco. "Peyton Manning is going to look across the sidelines and see Joe Flacco standing there and realize he's probably going to have to play the best game of his life, and even that might not be enough to win. I imagine it will be very intimidating for him."
Flacco, the 12th highest rated passer in the league this year, who completed less than 60-percent of his passes for the second year in a row, said before the season that he sees himself as the best quarterback in the league. That belief has only been strengthened.
"Who has accomplished what I have in this league?" said Flacco. "Sure, sure. The critics are always going to mention guys who have gotten to Super Bowls or won Super Bowl or put up big stats, or guys who have gotten to a Super Bowl and won Super Bowls and put up big stats, but those are all lazy, conventional ways to measure quarterbacks. People who know football, who know greatness, like me and my parents and coach Harbaugh, recognize how good I really am."
Manning said that playing Flacco will indeed present some unique challenges.
"We wanted Jon Gruden and Charlie Strong, but this whole time we've been testing the waters with Peyton to see if he'd come back to his alma mater," said a top Tennessee booster. "He's one of the best head coaches in the NFL and he's a Volunteer legend. He's the dream hire. We'll hope he'll want the challenge of restoring his school to greatness."
Manning refused to address the Tennessee job this week to reporters.
"I only have one focus and that's beating the Oakland Raiders on Thursady," he said.
But Manning's non-denial denial did nothing to squelch the rumors, nor did his joking demeanor.
"Also, I'm not the head coach of the Denver Broncos. John Fox is," he said to uproarious laughter.
The Broncos made the playoffs without Manning, while the Colts were 2-14 without Luck. Non-Indianans are dumb.
The dance is worth an extra two points.
Picture RIP Baseball
The deciding game of our nation's pastime is no Saints-Broncos Week 8.