"It's just the dearest thing," said Stern. "I almost want to pinch Marc Gasol's fat cheeks."
Despite Memphis looking like the clearly superior team through the first four games of the series, Stern says he has put out the order to his officials that "under no circumstances" are the Grizzlies to close out the series.
"Both Los Angeles teams lost in the first round, Brooklyn lost, Boston lost, Chicago is on the way out, the Knicks are losing. I can't lose all of those big markets and a star of Kevin Durant's caliber," said Stern. "I mean, let's be reasonable here. I didn't build this league to where it is by giving people NBA Finals featuring the Memphis Grizzlies and Indiana Pacers. Nobodies versus nobodies. Not a chance."
I say Katrina, you say Sandy. Let's call the whole thing off.
Opinion The 10 Faces of David Stern
New Jersey: the greatest state.
At least he didn't call him Donna Stern.
"I didn't feel the trade was fair for the small-market Grizzlies," said Stern. "I mean, looking back, they really got fleeced. So I am voiding the deal for basketball reasons."
The commissioner's decision attaches a huge question mark to the last four NBA seasons, in which Gasol and the Lakers made three NBA Finals and won two.
"I guess that means the Lakers lose those two championship," said Stern. "Or not. I don't know. Maybe we could have a computer simulate those seasons or ask some kid to do it on NBA 2K. There are obviously a lot of questions and I don't have the answers. When you start meddling in things, this is what happens, okay? Just let me meddle."
"I've tried to cover it up for years, but what's the point?" said Stern. "I hate 'em. A lot in fact. The players' representatives are on to me. Now let's get the season started so I can watch them run around every night for money. It's the one joy of my life."
NBA union attorney David Kessler was the latest to imply racism this week when he said that the owners were treating the players "like plantation workers."
"It's an issue that the players union is struggling to get past, so I felt it was better to just admit it," said Stern. "You know, it actually feels really good to publicly admit for the first time that I'm a huge racist. Keeping my true self bottled up all these years isn't healthy. But now I want to yell it from the mountaintops: 'I HATE BLACK PEOPLE!'"
Stern will knock it down and find a way to blame the players.
"Well, sure, I was hoping people would freak out like they did about the possibility of the NFL missing games, but we're not the NFL," said Stern. "I'm just happy the news made it into most newspapers."
Fan messages posted on the league website, NBA.com, captured fan apathy.
"YES! The season should be no longer than 60 or 65 games anyway. Much better product that way," wrote LakeShow99.
"I couldn't care less, but at least now I won't feel compelled to watch awful, early-season games. So that's good," posted jkz123.
"Hello, everyone. Do you people know what hockey is? I invite you to watch it. There's a league called the NHL. They have uniforms and everything," wrote GaryBettmanOfficial.