For years, Saints quarterback Drew Brees believed the fabled “Madden cover jinx” was a fairy tale dreamed up by superstitious people drawing parallels between unrelated events. However, recent events off the coast of Louisiana have made a believer out of Brees, who fears the massive gulf oil spill is a direct result of his being placed on the cover of Madden 2011.
“Wow, I always thought that Madden cover curse fake,” Brees said while watching coverage of the disaster. “I mean, the minute I get put on the cover – boom – there’s a big oil disaster right of the coast of the state I’m sitting in. They say the damage could ruin the Louisiana fishing industry. I guess I should feel a little guilty. If I didn’t have such a great year last year, none of this would be happening right now.”
Brees was named Madden cover boy on April 22. On the very same day, CNN reported that oil was leaking from an underwater rig that was damaged by an explosion two days earlier.
“I didn’t even get to enjoy being the cover boy for a day before the jinx hit,” Brees said. “I’m literally sitting there on my couch admiring the thing for the first time when breaking news hits CNN that there is a massive amount of oil leaking out of a damaged rig in – you guessed it – the Gulf of Mexico, right off the coast of – you guessed it – Louisiana, which is the state where you guessed it New Orleans is. I just hope they don’t put me on the cover ofSports Illustratedthis year. I don’t want a sink hole to swallow the French Quarter.”
On the bright side, Brees said, at least the curse didn’t take the form of an injury or some other team-related misfortune.
“I guess I should just be happy that I didn’t tear my ACL or something,” said Brees. “I mean, sure, the oil leak is catastrophic in its own right, but if something happened to me, the people of this region would have nobody to play for them. Now at least I can go out and dedicate this season to all those affected by the Gulf oil spill of 2010.”
Not everybody believes the Madden cover jinx is responsible for the gulf oil spill. In fact, some of Brees’ own teammates believe the connection between the two events is “a bit of a stretch.”
"Oh, come on,” said receiver Marques Colston. “I think Drew is getting a little too caught up in the whole jinx thing. Just because the oil spill happened at around the same time as he was named cover boy doesn’t mean the two things are related. He needs to be less self-centered and have a greater world view. Don’t get me wrong, though. I do believe in the Madden cover jinx, I just think it will manifest itself in some other way, such as the insanely painful and debilitating back spasms I’ve been having the past few weeks.”
It’s been an exciting week for the New York metropolitan area. First, the New Meadowlands Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey was chosen as the site for the 2014 Super Bowl. Now, the New York Post reports that Jets coach Rex Ryan has been chosen as the site for a massive 2014 coronary failure. Ryan said he was “honored” by the distinction but admitted to being a little concerned.
“Well it’s always nice to be chosen for something,” Ryan said. “I guess it’ll be pretty exciting when I feel that tightness in my chest and have to be rushed to the hospital. And I guess it will be a really good wake-up call for me to change my lifestyle. But man, it is kind of scary. I have to think: why me? It’s just…ooh, a donut! I’ll be right back.”
Ryan admits he is a good candidate for heart problems because of his unhealthy lifestyle.
“I know I’m pretty unhealthy and I don’t eat well or exercise much,” he said. “And the lap band procedure I just had is simply prolonging the inevitable. But I wonder: is it too late to stop this? Now that I know it’s going to happen, can I improve my lifestyle and prevent it? Eh, probably not. I mean it’s possible, but what’s the point in trying if it still might happen anyway? I may as well just enjoy these next few years and eat whatever I want. Speaking of which, are you done with that?"
League observers were split on whether Ryan would be the appropriate site for a massive coronary. Many felt he was the “perfect choice”while others cited coaches such as Tony Sparano or Tom Cable as better alternatives.
“I could definitely see this happening to Rex,” said one owner, who asked not to be identified. “I mean, he definitely fits most of the criteria. But I ask you: wouldn’t someone like Tom Cable be a better alternative? He is also rather portly, plus he’s coaching the Raiders, which carries with it added stress that could make even the most svelt body-builder vulnerable to heart attacks. For that reason, I think Ryan was the wrong choice and this is more evidence of some pro-New York bias.”
Jets owner Woody Johnson said he was not concerned with the recent announcement and that preparation for the 2010 season would proceed as planned.
“We’re not really thinking about it,” said Johnson. “We’re just focusing on what we have to do this offseason and coach Ryan has assured me he is healthy and ready to go. When 2014 rolls around – no pun intended – we’ll worry about Rex’s health. Or perhaps not because, let’s face it, by that time he’ll probably be defensive coordinator for whichever team his brother is head-coaching.”
In its latest attempt to contain a catastrophic oil spill, the British Petroleum company has announced plans to lower Astros left fielder Carlos Lee over the gusher. BP hopes the size and girth of the slugger will be enough to plug the leak and buy workers time to repair it.
BP chairman Lamar McKay said the company was hoping to submerge Lee by the end of the week.
“We’re hoping to get him down there under water by Friday at the latest,” said McKay. “Carlos is a very large man and his body should provide enough mass to jam up that leak pretty good. Then our technicians can get in there and fix the problem. This should actually be easier to pull off than the big box because the box couldn’t swim.”
McKay indicated that they had talked to Lee and the slugger had agreed to help out.
“Carlos has been on board with this from the get-go,” said McKay. “He really wants to help out, to do his part for the environment. His only concern, if you could call it that, was that he wouldn’t be quite fat enough to plug a leak that massive. But we assured him that he was indeed plenty fat. And in fact, that he might have to fast for a few days to get down to the appropriate weight.”
The details of the plan have not been revealed in full, but McKay did say that Lee would be lowered with a crane to the area of the gusher and then would paddle to the leak and dive into it.
In a Senate inquiry on Wednesday, lawmakers questioned whether the plan would work.
“This seems a bit pie-in-the-sky to me, no pun intended,” said Sen. Jeff Bingaman, D-N.M. “I mean, I know that Carlos is a big guy, but he can hardly be big enough to Oh my God, is that a picture of him? Wow, he has put on weight. Damn. I’m surprised he can even run the bases. Actually, judging from his batting average in the report I was given on him, the issue of baserunning hasn’t really come up yet.”
Astros ownership said they approved of the measure and expressed gratitude towards Lee for sacrificing his body for the good of the nation.
“We’re very proud of Carlos for offering up his body for something this important,” said team owner Drayton McLane, Jr. “It is our hope that his fatness will curb this terrible environmental disaster once and for all. It’s also our hope that he will resurface a thinner, more svelte human, since there won’t be much to eat down there. Then again, whales and great white sharks manage to keep themselves fed, so who knows? He could develop a liking for plankton and never want to surface again. Which would be fine, too. I'm pretty sure we put something in his contract allowing us to void it if he becomes a whale. Same with Lance Berkman."
Everybody is complaining about the length of baseball games these days, from fat umpires to self-righteous journalists, to…well, that’s about it. Here a few ways to shorten the national pastime so we can stop listening to people complain about it.
1. Put in a time limit between pitches
The SEC conference will use a pitch clock at its 2010 conference tournament. Twenty seconds will be allowed between pitches when no runners are on base. This is a common sense approach to speeding up the game. Just don't say so to SEC fans. Those people are obnoxious enough already about their football teams.
2. Provide managers with jet packs to fly to and from the mound
Instead of watching Charlie Manuel waddle to the mound like a constipated tow-truck driver, have him strap on a jetpack and zoom to the mound in less than a second! The only downside, if you can call it that, is that the jet engines would probably incinerate the manager instantly. Polyester goes up like a really ugly Christmas tree.
3. Switch to more powerful aluminum bats
How many times have you found yourself checking your watch while a line drive is en route to a fielder’s glove? Using aluminum bats will make balls get their faster, because aluminum bats are deadly projectile launchers.
4. Suspend the league leader in walks indefinitely
Suspending the league leader in walks indefinitely will prove that the league is serious about speeding up the games. Also, the fans will get to see less of Kevin Youkilis and his horrifying chin beard.
5. Outlaw “belly-itcher” chant as it gets in the pitcher’s head and forces him to slow down.
This cruel form of psychological warfare forces the pitcher to slow down, wipe his forehead in dismay, and occasionally charge over to the opposing dugout and fervently insist he does not itch his belly any more than a normal person. Get rid of it.
6. Lower the pitcher’s mound
It takes up to two seconds for most pitchers to make the long journey up the pitcher’s mound. Lowering the mound a few inches could reduce this journey to an average of 1.8 seconds. Why the league is not doing this I don’t know. It’s another example of Bud Selig’s contempt for the fans.
7. No longer allow Mariano Rivera to hock a giant loogie on the ball between every pitch
This is a time honored tradition that Yankee fans have enjoyed for many years, but it’s time for it to stop. The amount of time it takes for the tobacco-laced dollop to get from Rivera’s lips to the ball is approximately 0.7 seconds. Eliminating this practice would save valuable seconds and also make it feel like time is moving lighting fast, because time flies when you're having fun and it's really fun when the Yankees lose.
8. Shout things like "Hey, get the bat off your shoulder, dickhead!" to encourage the dickheads to get the bats off their shoulders.
A lot of these coddled bastards have never had somebody stand up to them. Shouting things like this will get their attention and take them down a peg or two. Also acceptable: “Come on, don’t be a statue!” and “We want a hit, not a hairy armpit.”
9. Prohibit pitchers from time consuming “wind-ups”
What is with all the contortions and machinations the pitchers go through before throwing the ball? Toss it in there. This isn’t performance art, douchebag.
10. Eliminate seventh inning stretch, seventh inning
It’s not quite the end of the game, it’s not quite the beginning of the game, and it’s not quite the middle. What is it? Plus the seventh-inning stretch is incredibly boring. If I wanted to stretch I’d join the Marines.
11. Continuously blare the music of John Mayer over the PA system
This will make everyone in the ballpark want to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. This could also be used to torture terrorists and fill young children with existential hopelessness, if that’s your thing.
12. Turn clocks back one hour in fifth inning
This is a no brainer. Turning back the clocks one hour will save approximately one hour.
13.Stop singing “God Bless America”
This nation has been blessed enough and it’s selfish for us to ask for more. Plus, it’s exclusionary to people who hate America.
With the new Iron Man movie,Iron Man 2, set to hit theatres next month, rumors are already circulating about possible storylines for the third installment, set to be released in 2012. One rumor, which has been making the rounds on the internet for weeks, was confirmed today by Marvel Studios: the main villain inIron Man 3will be none other than ultra-evil Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski.
Producer Susan Downey said they wanted to create a character that was “the living, breathing personification of evil.”
“For the final installment of the trilogy, we wanted to up the stakes a little bit,” Downey said. “We wanted to create a villain that was so evil, so unscrupulous, and so universally loathed that audiences would shrink in fear at the sight of him. After much brainstorming, we settled on Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski. Actually it wasn’t that much brainstorming. We all just blurted out his name at the same time.”
Downey said the diabolical and merciless Coach K would provide the most daunting challenge for Iron Man yet.
“Coach K is really going to challenge Iron Man,” said Downey. “He is going to be cunning, he is going to be relentless, he is going to swear a lot and he is going to have a seriously obnoxious group of nerdy geniuses following him around everywhere. Man, I’m getting the chills just thinking about it.”
No decision has been made as to who will play Krzyzewski inIron Man 3,but among the names being mentioned are Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe. Another option is a CGI rat-man. The plot, according to director Jon Favreau, will revolve around Krzyzewski’s plan to knock the planet off its axis with a powerful magnetic device designed by his cadre of whiny nerd followers.
“I don’t want to give away too much, but yeah, it’s going to be Coach K trying to destroy the earth with a big magnet,” he said. “How will Iron Man defeat this menacing villain? How will he stop Coach K from bringing the planet to its knees? You’ll have to wait until 2012 to find out. Oh, and the whole thing’s going to be in 3D so those horrible, beady eyes will look like they’re burning right through you.”
Krzyzewski said he was aware of the movie and gave his blessing to the use of his name and image.
“I think it will be a great thing for our program,” said Krzyzewski. “That kind of exposure can only help us with recruiting. Sure, it portrays me as an evil monster bent on destroying the world, but there are two sides to every story. My followers in the movie have all graduated from college. That means a lot. And if I was afraid of being portrayed as an evil monster, I never would have become a college basketball coach.”
In a ruling that will change the way NFL games are played, the league has approved a new, modified sudden death proposal. The proposal, which will take effect for 2010 season, stipulates that Vikings quarterback Brett Favre should get the ball at least once in overtime.
The ruling eliminates the nightmare scenario of an overtime game ending without the beloved QB having a chance to score.
“It’s something that we’ve been discussing for a long time,” said Competition Committee co-chair Rich McCay. “Far too many overtime games have been decided without Brett Favre ever getting the ball, and that’s unacceptable. People pay to see Favre play football, not sit on the sidelines while some nobody is kicking a 42-yard-field goal to ‘win’ the game, or while quarterbacks from other teams are playing.”
McCay said that last season’s Vikings-Saints playoff game, in which the Saints won in overtime after winning the coin flip, factored heavily into the decision.
“That game was a disaster. No game should end like that,” said McCay, "with Brett Favre standing there on the sidelines, useless, while the Saints are marching down the field to glory! Hello? What’s wrong with that picture? That should have been Brett in there. We all know that. The Saints know that. With this new rule, the big guy will at least get a chance with the ball, which is all he usually needs.”
Under the new format, if a team other than Brett Favre’s team wins the overtime coin flip, they can proceed down the field in the normal manner and attempt to score. If they do, Favre’s team will be given the ball one more time.
In games in which Favre is not playing, conventional overtime rules will apply. Or, if the schedule permits, team officials may dispatch a private jet to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, to speak to Favre in hopes of convincing him to play for them in overtime.
“The new overtime format won't affect every game, every year,” said Titans coach Jeff Fisher. “But it does affect the most important ones: the ones Brett Favre plays in. Seeing him with the ball in OT is one of the biggest thrills in sports. And frankly, if my team is playing Brett’s team and we go into overtime and he doesn’t even get a chance to work his magic, I don’t evenwantto win that game.”
Surprisingly, every team in the league voted in favor of the measure, with several owners insisting that giving Favre an extra chance in OT was no big deal.
“Outstanding. Give him the ball,” said one owner, who asked not to be identified. “You know Brett: he’ll run out of the pocket, see a receiver triple-covered, think ‘I’m Brett Favre,’ and then hurl it across his body into coverage. If anyone should be against this rule, it should be Brett. It’s just going to make him look bad.”
One day after signing LaDainian Tomlinson to a two-year, $5 million contract, the Jets received some bad news from their new running back: Tomlinson, exhausted from jet lag after flying back and forth to and from San Diego, will skip the first two months of the season in order to “stay fresh.”
“This is just a minor setback for me,” Tomlinson told radio host Mike Francesca. “I’m feeling very tired from flying between San Diego and New York and obviously I’m going to be doing a lot more of those trips leading up to the season, so I really need to….oh, God, I’m tired … excuse me. Wow. I don't want to yawn. Where was I? Oh, so I really need to sit out for the first two months of the season. Could I play? I suppose it’s possible. But I don’t want to go out there and put myself at risk if I’m only 98 or 99 percent. I need to be 100 percent.”
Tomlinson, who has long battled the perception that he is fragile, said this latest physical sebtback has nothing to do with toughness.
“I am tough. That's not a question,” he said. “It’s not even really an injury. I’m just a little zonked that’s all. Tired. Groggy. And if I play that way, it couldleadto an injury. So instead of being ‘fragile’ and missing time due to injury, I am working to prevent injuries from happening. What are people not understanding here? It's quite simple.”
Jets players are privately voicing their frustration with the Tomlinson signing, especially since locker room-favorite Thomas Jones was cut to make room for him. Jones was seen as a warrior who would play through injuries, while Tomlinson is seen as a big fairy.
“Thomas Jones would never sit out because of jet lag. Thomas Jones wouldn’t sit out for a dislocated shoulder,” said one player. “And now his replacement is holding himself out of the first two months of the season? This isn’t how you win a ring. Well, since I’ve been a Jet my whole career I guess I really have no idea how to win a ring, but I’m assuming this isn’t how you do it.”
Tomlinson is slated to return in early November, leaving the Jets without their main free agent pickup for half the season. Head coach Rex Ryan, however, says the team is not concerned about the injury and was not surprised to hear about it.
“LaDainian Tomlinson has some ailment. This is not news,” Ryan said today. “We all know when we signed him that he would miss some time. That’s LaDainian. He’s not exactly Jim Brown, but when he is in the game he’s a force to be reckoned with, especially if he’s running behind a good offensive line and it’s five years ago.”
Fifteen-year-old Benny Calvert got his first snowboard at the age of 13 and has been riding ever since. Though he is barely a high school student and has no formal training, he spends nearly all his free time launching off ramps and hurtling through the air, avoiding certain death through mere luck.
His mom, Julie Calvert, is perfectly okay with all this.
“Oh I’m fine with it. I think it’s great,” said Calvert, 44. “You know, a lot of parents would be terrified of watching their child tease death several time a day, but for me, it’s all very exciting. I mean, what’s the worst that can really happen? My baggy-clothed, floppy-haired, pot-smoking, irresponsible, disrespectful son crashes on his snowboard and dies? Oh no! One less X-Gaming douche in the world! Whatever shall we do?”
Around the age of 12, Calvert says she started noticing changes in her son’s personality and appearance. The mild mannered, polite, dorky Benny who endeared himself to children and parents alike began morphing into a “skate punk”who listened to obnoxious punk rock music without understanding it, dressed in clothing way too big for him, and started talking in incoherent skater slang.
“I’m thinking, ‘Who is this kid and what has he done with my son?’” Calvert recalled. “Of course I expected him to go through an awkward stage when he reached adolescence, but I was thinking a crackling voice and masturbation, not a complete transformation into some obnoxious caricature so impressed with his own ‘radness’ that he can’t see what an insufferable douche he’s become. So every time he goes up in the air I hold my breath – but probably not for the same reasons most parents hold their breath.”
Mrs. Calvert got a brief “scare”last year when her son lost control in mid-air and landed head first in the snow. She rushed to his aid thinking he couldn’t have survived the fall but, alas, he had.
“I was like ‘Oh my God, the little punk must be dead as a doornail,” she said. “But then he bounced back up like nothing happened. He was like ‘Yea! That was totally rad!’ and everybody was high-fiving him. What an obnoxious sub-culture. The kid almost dies and they think it’s totally cool. The whole world is turning into a goddamnJackassmovie.”
In March, Benny will be participating in his first ever competitive tournament when he competes in the Junior World Championships in Vale, Colorado. The jumps will be higher, the course will be faster, and the danger greater. But Mrs. Calvert isn’t worried for her son.
“I’m looking forward to it,” she said. “It’s going to be life threatening. I mean, he could actually die. Or he could end up being fed through a tube the rest of his life. Either way, I won’t have to listen to that annoying snowboard jargon every again.”
Another Super Bowl has come and gone, and with it, a bunch of ads. SportsPickle has taken the liberty of grading these ads. So if you Tivo’d the Super Bowl and want to know which ads to skip, this is the guide for you.
Also: the Saints won. Spoiled it for you, dumbass!HA!
Product: Bud Light
Description: A guy invites his friends over to his new place, which is made entirely of Bud Light cans. His friends do not experience the horror, revulsion, and pity that most would experience upon discovering their friend built a house out of beer cans. Instead, they drink eagerly. YAY! Man time!
Objective: To show viewers just how much Bud Light means to these characters.
Grade: F-. This person is badly in need of a 12-step program and his friends are enablers.
TMZ is reporting that Colts quarterback Peyton Manning and several members of his entourage were arrested early this morning after one of them opened fire inside a Miami gentleman’s club. The incident occurred at 3:25 AM at King of Diamonds, a club located near South Beach.
According to witnesses, the incident started when members of Manning’s posse exchanged words with another group of men, reportedly over a woman. Within minutes, the words escalated to pushing and shoving and shots were fired resulting in a “mini-riot” as patrons rushed to the exit.
Several witnesses reported that a member of Manning’s posse did the shooting at the urging of Manning himself.
“There was all this pushing and shoving and Manning was standing off to the side screaming things like ‘Kick his ass’ and ‘Fk him up!’” said a bartender who works at the club. “Then somebody threw a bottle off his head so he grabbed one of his boys and was like ‘Take ‘em out!’ and that’s when the guy started shooting.”
After the initial shot was fired, patrons began rushing for the exits, creating a chaotic and frightening scene. The conflict continued outside with more pushing and shoving and several shots fired.
“It was a nightmare. Everybody was trying to get out at the same time,” said one witness. “Then, you get out to the parking lot and it’s still going on. And it’s all Manning. He’s orchestrating the whole thing. He’s like ‘Yo, take out that motherfker! Put him down!’ Then he was kicking and punching guys who were on the ground. I mean, I never took him for a real violent guy, but I guess this is what happens when you can’t handle your liquor.”
As cruisers and EMT’s arrived on the scene, Manning strutted around the parking lot, gesturing to the crowd and urging them to cheer him on.
“It was like the WWE,” said one witness. “He was walking around with his hand to his ear saying ‘Let me here it! Let me here it, motherfkers!’ And, of course, everybody was cheering him on, even though he’s a thug. It was a real pathetic scene. Thankfully, I captured the whole thing on my cell phone. You can see it on TMZ.com today.Myvideo! And my mother never thought I’d amount to anything.”
Cops arrested Manning and several members of his entourage. He was released on bail this morning and issued a statement through his agent:
“I am sorry for the embarrassment I have brought to the organization. I hope I have not caused too much of a distraction for my teammates. While I am innocent of any wrongdoing, I do take responsibility for putting myself in that situation in the first place and vow to be more careful about who I associate with in the future. And just to clarify, I can handle my liquor. I think someone just slipped something into my drink. If they are still alive, I hope they are prosecuted.”