"Dan Snyder is well known as a loathsome person and incompetent team owner," said Jeff Snyder, of Peoria, Ill. "Every day he does further damage to the Snyder name. When most people hear the name 'Snyder' now, they think of assholery and failure. Today we say enough is enough."
The petition demands that Snyder officially change his last name within 72 hours, or be slapped with a defamation lawsuit.
"He has done great damage to everyone named Snyder," said Sara Snyder, who owns a flower shop in San Diego. "Even though I live thousands of miles away from Washington, D.C., people regularly ask me if I'm related to that 'prick Dan Snyder.' I know I have lost business because of my name a name that he has ruined."
He was voted Most Likely to be an Incompetent Sports Team Owner.
"Okay, we'll have two dozen parmesan garlic wings and two mediocre receivers."
I'm sure he'll be suing them soon.
Dear Washington Redskins Fans
As you may have heard, in our ongoing efforts to improve the experience at FedEx Field, we have banned all fan signs.
But we will not stop there in our efforts to provide the best atmosphere possible.
In fact, I am pleased to announce a new measure: starting today, the scoreboard at FedEx Field is banned.
The scoreboard has been regularly putting up a low and losing score and that has created a negative atmosphere in the stadium and lessened the fan experience. We demand the best for our fans and won't let the negative attitudes of the scoreboard stand in the way. So it is being unplugged.
In addition to the ban on fan signs at FedEx Field and now the scoreboard ban, stadium security personnel will confiscate any devices that fans can use to learn the score, such as cell phones or radios. Also, the stadium's large video boards will show Redskins highlights from the 1980s and early 1990s during play.
Additionally, plain clothes team personnel will be circulating throughout the crowd to eject any fans who violate our new language policy. This includes our existing language policy with a few tweaks. I have overheard a sharp increase in the expression of the following phrases in the stadium in recent weeks, and they are all now BANNED:
"Dan Snyder is a douchebag."
"Fk Dan Snyder."
"I hope Dan Snyder dies in a fire."
"Hey, whaddaya say we all storm the owner's box and kill Dan Snyder?"
We feel these new changes will increase the enjoyment of all those in attendance at Redskins games, including me.
Also, parking at the stadium will now cost $125.
Daniel Snyder Washington Redskins, Owner