Maybe this guy could be their head coach. He couldn't be worse than Wade Phillips.
Our reporter spent the day at Dallas Cowboys training camp in San Antonio. Here are his notes.
>There seems to be no lingering conflict between Roy Williams and Dez Bryant. Bryant extended an olive branch to Williams by apologizing to him for not being aware of rookie hazing rituals and by offering him a job as his personal assistant when Williams is inevitably cut.
> Several Cowboys have asked wide receiver Miles Austin for a turn on Kim Kardashian to improve the team's chances for winning a championship.
> Tight end Martellus Bennett has had his request denied by the league office to put his Twitter account name on the back of his jersey. He says he is very upset with "@NFLcommish" and will "upeel".
> Head coach Wade Phillips wears the same mesh shorts as his players, but without underwear or a jock. So you can clearly see the outline of his junk hanging below his FUPA. It's not pleasant.
> Tony Romo is exuding confidence. Probably because it's early August and we are as far removed from the Super Bowl on the calendar as possible.
> 7th round draft pick Sean Lissemore is impressing and playing as though he should have been taken as early as the 6th round.
> Training camp was packed on Tuesday, and many fans had to be turned away, as it was Cowboys Bandwagon Fan Appreciation Day.
June 4, 2010 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @KungFuAstronaut AKA Dallas Cowboys TE Martellus Bennett
After demolishing Texas Stadium in front of crowd of thousands of cheering spectators, the demolition crew was so inspired by the passion and enthusiasm of the fans that they hastily rigged up explosives to the nearby $1.15 billion dollarCowboysStadium and imploded that as well.
"As far as implosions go, this was a huge success," said a giddy demolition crew chief Gerald Hearst, who struggled to hold back his happiness. "Usually we just blow up one thing and leave. But the crowd really wanted it this time. It felt like I was in a band and the crowd was demanding an encore."
A crowd of 20,000 gathered to witness the destruction, many of whom drove from Irving to Arlington to see the second explosion, calling more friends to join them along the way.
CowboysStadium, the now former home of the DallasCowboys, opened in 2009 and theCowboysplayed there until the end of the 2009 season, including one post-season apperance. It was a piece of Texas football history, playing host to such momentous events as theCowboys' 37-21 victory over the Falcons in Week 5 of last season and theCowboys' 38-17 victory over the Seahawks in Week 6 of last season.
"I wasn't expecting it to be so emotional," Harold Keynes, an onlooker and lifetimeCowboysfan, said to reporters. "And I definitely wasn't expecting them to blow up two stadiums in a row."
Added Keynes: "I'm really glad they did, though. It was awesome."
Thousands of pounds of dynamite were used in the initial explosion, and another several thousands of pounds that reportedly just happened to be lying around were also used in the second explosion.
"Seeing Texas Stadium go was like saying goodbye to an old friend," formerCowboyscheerleader Cindy Grainger told reporters. "SeeingCowboysStadium go was like saying goodbye to that kid in your class who you never really knew to but you always thought you'd get along if you did actually talk to each other."
"Yeah! Fk the Cowboys!" said an Eagles fan who was in Dallas on business. "This is the greatest day of my life!"
Following the two major blasts, the demolition crew salvaged enough pounds of dynamite to blow up other arenas in Texas, including American Airlines Center, Minute Maid Park, whatever it's called where the Houston Texans play, and the Alamo.
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo attended Eastern Illinois University. If you have ever wondered if EIU has a broadcasting major, they do. And it's as prestigious as they're field goal holding major.
The Dallas Cowboys made history on Saturday night with a decisive 34-14 win over the Philadelphia Eagles, the franchise's first playoff victory in 13 years. But it turns out it will also be the team's last for 57 more years.
"That is disappointing to hear," said quarterback Tony Romo. "But I'm still going to try to enjoy this win because playoff victories are hard to come by. As this news illustrates."
After a narrow, heartbreaking loss this coming weekend in the divisional round of the playoffs, the Cowboys will embark on a string of postseason failures that will dwarf their most recent run, and establish a record for major professional sports.
Next year the team will be the No. 1 overall seed in the NFC playoffs, but suffer an upset loss at home in the divisional round. 2011 will see the team squeak into the playoffs as a wildcard team and go down to defeat in the first round. That will lead to a massive overhaul of the team by owner Jerry Jones highlighted by foolish and panicked free agent signings and draft picks.
By 2017, Jones will convince Brett Favre to come out of retirement and the aging gunslinger will lead the Cowboys back to the playoffs, only to lose in the first round again. This will be the last the team sees of the postseason again for decades. Losses will pile up. Each free agent signing will be more foolish than the last. Jones will start a woman at quarterback for much of the 2030s.
"This sounds incredibly awesome," said Philadelphia Eagles fan Jeff Monroe.
The Cowboys will fold for much of the 2040s, before Dallas is awarded another team for the 2048 season. The rebooted franchise will play like an expansion team much longer than it should, and will compile three consecutive winless seasons from 2054 to 2056. But by 2065 the team will be back in the playoffs and, in 2067, that elusive playoff win will come.
"So not again until 2067, huh? Ouch," said team owner Jerry Jones, 67. "It's unlikely I live that long. I'd be 124. Hopefully plastic surgery on internal organs improves in the next few years."
Following the 2067 victory, the team will hold a rally before its second round game, during which Cowboys Stadium will be struck by a meteor and destroyed.
Picture "FORT SOUND!"
ADD: Miles Austin, WR, Cowboys Here's what we know: Roy Williams is a giant turd. So Tony Romo has to throw the ball somewhere and if he threw the ball to Jason Witten on every play, people would start to talk. So Miles Austin it is. After catching only five passes through the first four games, Austin has posted 16 catches for 421 yards and 4 touchdowns in his last two games. Huge numbers. And because he plays for the Cowboys America's Team! (That It Most Likes To Hate!) he's about to be a star.
Unfortunately, Austin is still probably going to struggles with the ladies. You see, he looks like this:
And even if there are women out there who have some sort of bestial (fishial?) attraction to piranha, Austin also has anexcessive sweat disorder. HOT!
But I digress. This isn't about Miles Austin and women. This is about men. Real men. Men who play fake football. Men like you.
So is Miles Austin a good fantasy pick up?
You better believe it.
He's not a flash in the pan?
Of course he is! He's a Dallas Cowboy. ButCowboys players usually don't completely go in the crapper until Week 16 or 17, or even sometimes in the first round of the playoffs, and by that time your fantasy season will be long over.
Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips has long been regarded as a coach who gets along well with his players.
“I’m a players’ coach,” he said. “I take that as a compliment. I like my players and they like me. That’s why I’m excited to take our relationship to a whole new level when I am no longer their coach after the season following my inevitable firing.”
Cowboys players say they are excited to become real friends with Phillips.
“We all like him, but he’s still our boss. He’s still in charge of us, you know?” said linebacker DeMarcus Ware. “You can’t be real friends in such a relationship. But when Jerry Jones fires him after our last game, I think I’ll invite him over for a barbecue or something.”
Former Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens says Phillips always had the exact demeanor he looks for in a true friend.
“He let me say and do whatever I wanted,” said Owens. “If I complained I wasn't getting the ball enough, he made sure I got the ball, even at the expense of the team. He has absolutely no backbone. That’s the kind of friend who will do anything – go to a club, watch a movie – even if it’s a club they don’t want to go to, or a movie they have already seen and hate. That’s the kind of friend I need and want. I'm glad he'll soon be jobless and able to hang out with me.”
Despite assumptions to the contrary, Phillips’ “players’ coach” persona will not factor into his dismissal.
“I knew he was a players’ coach when I hired him,” said team owner Jerry Jones. “That's not a problem. The problem is that he's not an owner’s coach -– meaning he sucks at the job he was hired by the owner to do, which was to win games. But, sure, if that fat, useless turd wants to be pals after this season is over, I’m fine with it. We can go to lunch or something. He can name the place. I just want him anywhere but on the sidelines. I'll take him to the best buffet in Texas.”