That start was a disaster TO THE EXTREME!
He probably started blood doping in the womb.
It's for the best. He was nearly in last place. Better that he break all his bones now than find out he's going to lose at the finish line.
Tour de France leader Alberto Contador took off the yellow jersey this morning and quit the competition after his parents got him a car for his birthday.
"It's only an old Chevy Cavalier," said Contador. "But, man, I have wanted a car and have been waiting for this day for years. No more riding a bike for me!"
Although he's only had the car for a few hours, Contador says he already can't believe he rode a bike all those years.
"God, I bet I looked so stupid riding around on a freaking bike," he said. "It's so humiliating. But now I can go anywhere I want and do anything I want."
"As long as you let us know where you're going and that you'll be home by 11:30, right?" cautioned Cindy Contador, Alberto's mother.
"Yes, mom," said Alberto.
"And don't go over the speed limit!" she added.
The new car for the two-time Tour de France winner has led several other top cyclists to quit the race, too.
"They just want me to drive them around everywhere," said Contador. "Which is cool by me, as long as they chip in for gas."
Lance Armstrong showed he can still win a bike race this morning by taking the Tour de Luxembourg in 36 minutes, 18 seconds.
"It was really more of a short training run," said the seven-time Tour de France winner, "that happened to have a small part of it go through the width of Luxembourg. But if I get a trophy for it cool!"
While Alberto Contador, Armstrong's new rival, did not participate in the Tour de Luxembourg, Armstrong did defeat his friend, Greg, who decided to join him on the early morning ride.
"I am proud to have finished second in my first international cycling race," said Greg. "And, to think, I probably could have won if I hadn't stopped to take a drink a few yards before what was apparently the finish line."
While the Tour de Luxembourg did not exist at the outset of Armstrong's ride, it was quickly formed after the country's tourism bureau got a tip that the famous cyclist was riding through on his way to somewhere else.
"We thought making his ride into a Tour race would be great publicity for the country," said Luxembourg prime minister Jean-Claude Juncker, of the hastily arranged event. "Right now when most people think of Luxembourg, they only think of well, I actually have no idea what they think of. I'm drawing a blank myself. I actually live 11 months out of the year in France."
As Armstrong was about to speed through Luxembourg's border with Belgium, he was stopped by Juncker and presented with a plate for his win.
"It was an actual plate from my office," said the prime minister. "Plastic. My secretary uses it for her lunch. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to get anything else. He was only here for 36 minutes."
Armstrong says his latest victory is an important one.
"I hope this can be an inspiration to people all across the world," said Armstrong. "Of course, winning the Tour de Luxembourg probably isn't enough to inspire someone to beat cancer. But maybe it can inspire people to, I don't know get a suspicious mole checked or something like that."
Tour de France champion Alberto Contador and former seven-time champion Lance Armstrong are no longer pretending they are friends. In fact, they have been sniping pretty hard back and forth at each other.
But what Contador may not realize is that he is taking on one of the most beloved figures in the world. So what is said by each party is not necessarily what the public hears.
Contador:"My relationship with Lance Armstrong is zero. He's a great rider and he did a great Tour. Another thing is on a personal level, where I have never admired him and never will."
What we hear: "I am pro-cancer. I hope everyone gets cancer and dies. That is, everyone but me. Ha-ha! Oh, but for the record, I don't mean 'Ha-ha!' as in 'I'm joking.' I mean that I will laugh joyously while everyone around me dies of cancer."
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Armstrong, via Twitter:"Hey pistolero, there is no 'I' in 'team'. what did I say in March? Lots to learn. Restated."
What we hear: "Sorry to hear you're pro-cancer. Obviously, you are just a terrible person. By the way, there is no 'I' in 'team.' Up for some other word play? Okay. Do you know what 'Contador' rhymes with? 'Your mom's a whore.' Ironic, right? Because she is a whore!"