“It’s tough to say at this point”, said team doctor Mike Woolcott. “We’ve been asking him simple questions that any human being with a below average IQ would know –What’s your name? Where are you? Who’s the president? – and he answered them all incorrectly. The problem is we’re pretty sure he didn’t know those answers before the hit.”

Renowned AAU baseball coach Tom Emanski has decided to extend his name brand to other ventures, releasing a 9-volume instructional sex tape series for kids and teens on VHS.

The former MLB scout, who is the mastermind behind the wildly popular and well-known baseball fundamentals instructional video series, described this new venture as: "A helpful guide for every young kid with dreams of one day having sex. From making the first move to giving excuses for why you couldn’t get it up, we’re going to teach you the proper techniques which you can use now until your boning days are over.”

The Iraqi Terror was the first to enter the ring, and was met by a chorus of boos from the crowd of 45. He was then followed by The Black Threat, who was also met by a chorus of boos. Silence then fell over the crowd when the bell was rung, the competitors entered into a headlock, and everyone realized there would not be a third wrestler involved.

In the letter, the Heat front office explain how the sheer amount of effort and money that was put into this off season should exempt them from having to compete in real life this season, because, “any contest involved between the team we have assembled on paper and any other collection of players in the NBA would be both unnecessary and fruitless for the players, the fans, and league as a whole. I mean, come on, have youseenour roster? This is some ‘NBA Live Franchise Mode’ sh*t going on here.”

“This flies in the face of literally everything we’ve perceived about the Roman culture," stated Gregory Lawler, head of Anthropological Studies at Harvard University. “Until now, the prevailing wisdom revolved around the idea that the Roman people took no pleasure from events held in the Coliseum events outside of the action on the Coliseum floor itself. But if this t-shirt catapult is the real deal, we’ll have to reevaluate everything we thought.”

“This has been something I’ve been meaning to do for some time now, but I could never figure out just how to go about it,” said Davis, 28, “And I was watching the ’96 finals on ESPN Classic, inspiration struck.”

“We gave out invitations during batting practice so everyone could see who’s chill and who isn’t," said starting pitcher Barry Zito, a total dreamboat who everyone agrees is the most popular player on the team. “It’s gonna be pretty cool, I stole some of my Mom’s whiskey and Tim Lincecum’s getting cough syrup. We’ll probably get totally wasted.”

“He did what?” said center Kendrick Perkins when reporters informed him of the price change. “Are you serious? Fifteen cents for a packet of duck sauce? No no no, that shit don’t fly with us. We’ll see what happens when we think about ordering the post-game meal. You don’t go run your prices like that during the NBA Finals and expect to get off scott free.”