March 12, 2010

News Sources Tell Jay Glazer His Wife is Cheating on Him

According Fox Sports NFL Insider JayGlazer, there is now a “75-80 percent chance” that his wife is currently having relations behind closed doors with multiple partners other than himself.


“I texted her Wednesday and she turned down the rumors emphatically, but after speaking with several of my sources, including my buddy Rob, who’s wife Janice went out with her last weekend, something’s definitely going on,”Glazerwrote on FoxSports.com.


Representatives fromGlazer’s wife’s camp, including her best friend Julie, shot down the reports as nothing more than baseless rumor.


“She’s very happy with Jay, and she plans on being with him for a very long time," said Julie. "He shouldn't believe everything he reads on the Internet, or in her text message history or in her mail. She wants to be a Glazer for life."


Julie refused to comment on reports that Mrs. Glazer has been working awfully late the past few months, often with a very flimsy explanation. The NFL expert continues to work the phones and is chasing down reports of a tampering charge.


"She's been talking on Facebook with her old high school boyfriend," said Glazer. "That's not allowed. And she told me years ago that he still wanted to be with her."


If the matter isn’t resolved soon,Glazersays he plans on releasing his wife sometime before the NFL draft so he can focus on bringing in a young prospect.

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Filed Under   NFL   media   Conor McKeon
February 26, 2010

News NBC, Vancouver Apologize for Excellent Handling of Women's Figure Skating Final

In a statement released this morning, NBC sports chief Dick Ebersol, speaking on behalf of his network and the city of Vancouver, issued a public apology for their coverage and hosting of the Women’s Figure Skating final Thursday night, which many have called “extremely professional”, and, “of the highest quality.”


“Over the course of these games, we at NBC, as well as the city of Vancouver, have received numerous criticisms from attendees, viewers, and athletes alike for providing you with consistently incompetent coverage and presentation from things like the Opening Ceremonies to the quality and safety of the venues”, said Ebersol. "But last night there were no problems. In fact, it was quite a remarkable evening. And for that we sincerely apologize.”


In response to several skaters’ remarks pertaining to the high quality of the ice on the rink, Vancouver Organizing Committee head John Furlong said, “I have absolutely no idea why anyone would say that about our facilities. We check and recheck to make sure there are as many potential problems for these athletes as possible, and for some of the ladies to come out and say that we performed our job well is ludicrous.”


When asked later how the network and city plan on approaching the Closing Ceremonies, Ebersol said, “Wait, what? There’s aClosingCeremonies too? Aww f—k me.”

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Filed Under   media   Winter Olympics   Conor McKeon
February 19, 2010

News NBC Advertises Olympic Events on Facebook

In an effort to boostviewership numbers through the first week of this year’s Games, NBC is hoping to ride the social networking wave by advertising Olympic events on Facebook. Judging by these five examples, it’s not going great.


Take a look…






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Filed Under   media   Winter Olympics   Conor McKeon
February 12, 2010

News Rockets, Wizards GMs Trying to Get Donnie Walsh Drunk Enough to Participate in 3-Way Trade

In an effort to speed up the process of a proposed three-team trade, Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey and Washington Wizards GM Ernie Grunfeld plan on inviting Knicks GM Donnie Walsh over for dinner tonight, with the ultimate goal of using alcohol to persuade him to join them in a three-way.


“We think Donnie’s great and I’m really into the idea of adding a formidable swingman like Caron Butler to our roster," said Morey. "So I’m hoping a little liquid courage will do the trick. I can tell in his eyes he wants to do this. He just needs a push.”


Friends of Walsh say he has been thinking about having a three-way with the two for some time now, but has not yet been able to pull the trigger due to concerns regarding his relationship with the Knicks when it’s over.


“Donnie’s worried the long-term effects of letting Al Harrington go will be too much emotionally. You can’t undo a three-way," said Glen Grunwald, the Knicks VP of Basketball Operations. "That’s something that stays with you forever. I know from my past. But I don't regret it. Any of them."


Grunfeld said this is the first time in years he’s entertained the thought of trading with multiple partners.


“I remember in 2005 Jerry West tried to get me into that five-way with the Hornets, Celtics, Heat, Jazz, and Grizzlies. But man, that’s just too much," he said. "I remember seeing Danny Ainge there, and he’s Mormon, and thinking it just wasn’t for me.”


Sources close to each organization said even if the GMs can’t reach an agreement in the coming days they still plan on trying anal during All-Star Weekend.

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February 9, 2010

News Breaking down the Super Bowl viewing audience

More than 106 million people watched the Saints and Colts play in Super Bowl XLIV — the largest audience for a TV program in U.S. history.


Who were the people who did — and did not — watch the game? Here's what Nielsen tells us.


WHO WATCHED


Colts backers (residents of the City of Indianapolis, including some people in surrounding Marion County)


Saints backers (residents of Earth not living in Indianapolis proper)


the few remaining living fans of The Who


former FEMA chief Michael Brown (but not until late in the game)


families of players


secret families of players


the understandably proud parents of those talking E-Trade babies


people with a mole fetish


Brett Favre (BWAAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!)


those legitimately trying to find out who dat


non-sports fans who couldn't find the remote


WHO DIDN'T WATCH


Cooper Manning (couldn't get out of shift at Red Lobster)


Eli Manning (couldn't find his way out of ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese)


dumber Saints fans who have yet to find their way out of their paper bags


THE GODDAMN REFS HOW THE F—K IS THAT NOT A HOLDING PENALTY?!?!?!


Drew Brees' son (napping)


The Who (napping)


those furiously masturbating to a tape of the Lingerie Bowl


those furiously masturbating to the Puppy Bowl


Michael Vick


remaining living Who fans whose outdated TVs never underwent the digital conversion


nerds


sports fans who couldn't find the remote

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