Filed Under » Conor McKeon

One day after Commissioner Bud Selig announced cocaine use would be legalized and encouraged for every remaining Yankees-Red Sox series this season, the two teams played Sunday night’s matchup battle in just under 46 minutes, the shortest recorded game in modern MLB history.

The decision was a reaction to yet another pair of marathon contests between Boston and New York during the opening games of the weekend series, as both Friday and Saturday’s meetings lasted well over three hours.

“This ensures the youngest generation of MLB fans will have an opportunity to see baseball played at a reasonable hour," said Selig. "And sometimes the theft of youthful innocence as they witness their heroes lit up and out of their skulls is the price we have to pay. Although, more specifically, a grand per kilo is really the price we have to pay. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to use the bathroom.”

Dirt from the pitcher’s mound was replaced by pure, uncut blow direct from Bogota, Colombia. And while Sox starter Jon Lester’s first 17 pitches each topped 113 MPH, the lefthander proceeded to give up five home runs in the first inning alone, with each clearing the stadium and landing well past Lansdowne Street. In fact, the sheer force of Alex Rodriguez's home run left the slugger's right and left shoulders completely dislocated, though the third baseman didn’t seem notice what had happened as he sprinted around the base path, stopping only at second base to high five Dustin Pedroia. Pedroia reciprocated enthusiastically and followed Rodriguez into the bathroom before the inning was finished. Pedroia was replace by Marco Scutaro, who spent the rest of the inning looking for helicopters and asking Kevin Youkilis if he was a narc.

KC and the Sunshine Band were given the honors of playing the seventh inning stretch, but their set was marred by the ESPN cameras spanning across Fenway’s right field to reveal both team’s bullpens engaged in an orgy, which, by all accounts, had been going on for the previous two hours.

The rule change seemed to visibly affect Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon the most of anyone, as he was the most abrasive and idiotic player of all. Asked after the game why he though the drug had such an impact, the Sox closer replied: “OH SHIT THERE’S COKE?! WHERE?”

Though he’s been a member of the Tennesee Titans for less than a month, 6thround draft pick and former Rhodes Scholar Myrone Rolle has already made enemies on the team by constantly correcting anyone who doesn’t use the term “American football” to describe the sport they’re playing.

“At first I thought he was just joking around," said head coach Jeff Fisher. "But after he started writing ‘American’ before ‘football’ wherever it appeared in the playbook, and it’s in therea lot, I knew this was going to be a problem.”

Titans quarterback Vince Young has already held two players-only meetings to address the issue.

“It’s one thing to be self-deprecating every now and then, because that’s the kind of British personality we expected from him," said Young. "But it’s whole different thing to say, ‘Oh I didn’t realize we were playing the game where we use our feet to kick a ball into a goal’ 14 times during morning stretching alone. Shut up, man.”

Correcting the language used by coaches and teammates hasn’t been the only problem for Rolle, who has already been reprimanded for using the film room in the Titans facilities to catch up on the latest episode ofDoctor Whoand spiking the team’s Gatorade containers with Earl Grey tea. He has also showed up each morning touting some new British band on his iPod as "the next Beatles."

According to Fisher, the only silver lining for the team thus far was management’s decision to waive linebacker Keith Bulluck this off-season. “Myron would probably giggle like a schoolgirl every time we said his name.”

Every Major League player has a specific song that plays every time they come up to bat. But it's rare that a player's song truly fits him.

Here are 7 players who could use a new music selection.

Professional athletes have a lot going for them. Fame. Money.

What they often don't have is a way with words. Especially around the opposite sex.

As evidence, here are the go-to pickup lines from 12 of your favorite athletes.

There are many ways to stereotype someone. Most of them are wrong and unfair.

Except for one: your favorite team.

The team you choose to root for says a lot about you. In fact, it says everything about you. Here are a few examples.

According to the official Madden NFL video game simulation, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will be charged with sexual assault for his incident in Georgia. However, the clutch, two-time Super Bowl champion will be found not guilty. The simulation also predicts that months later he will pay his accuser six figures to make a civil suit go away.

EA Sports used the Roethlisberger case simulation to announce its new feature for the upcoming 2011 version of the game.

"The new Law-and-Order feature will make the game more realistic than ever," said Madden 11 lead designer Scott Powers. "Arrests and lawsuits are as much a part of the modern NFL game as touchdowns and tackles and we felt it was time the game reflects that reality."

Gamers will have the option to turn off the Law-and-Order setting on Madden 11 just as they can for injuries. Or they can toggle the frequency of Crimes as with the penalties setting.

"For teams like the Bengals, you can't completely shut off crimes," said Powers. "The Ravens, too. And we may add a downloadable patch after the game comes out that does the same for the Steelers."

In the opening arguments of the Roethlisberger EA simulation, the defense went hard after the victim’s credibility and were quick to point out the fact that no semen was accumulated, and without such, it can’t be proved beyond a reasonable doubt that there was any indication of assault. The simulation predicts the prosecution will counter with the fact that this is not the first time Roethlisberger has been accused, and his refusal to speak with police for a second time should throw up red flags. But it will ultimately be in vein, as a lack of tangible evidence will catch up to the prosecution. And the Steeler's defense will put it away late with a witness saying the accuser also falsely accused him of sexual assault.

The accuser's attorney, Stephen Rawlings, discounted the validity of the simulation.

"It's nothing more than a simulation. The prosecutor still has to go out there and do his job if there are charges," he said. "Although, I will admit — the courtroom graphics were pretty awesome. You could see every strand of hair in Ben's goatee. And I thought it was very realistic how he was wearing a suit with a devil face tie. Great games nail the details like that."

EA also announced that their season-long simulation shows that in Week 5 Roethlisberger will throw for 415 yards and three touchdowns and be accused of sexual assault by the court stenographer he was openly hitting on during his trial.

Thirteen-year-old Tim Harper’s lifetime dream was to pitch for the Kansas City Royals. Yesterday, against the Detroit Tigers, he got his wish and then some.

The Branson, Missouri, native, who was struck with leukemia two years ago, had requested through the Make-A-Wish Foundation to throw out the first pitch at a Royals game. After the pitch landed a few feet in front of home plate, Royals manager Trey Hillman decided that was good enough for him, and left scheduled starter Zack Greinke in the bullpen.

“Our scouts were really impressed with the kid’s mechanics, and we made the decision to leave him in," said Hillman. "It might’ve landed a couple of feet in front of the mound, but believe me, that was the most impressive pitching we’ve seen this year. Our guns hadn’t topped 24 mph all spring for anyone other than Zack, so it was refreshing to see someone with a live arm out there. We need more like this kid.”

A confused Harper took the mound in the bottom of the first against a potent Tigers lineup, and proceeded to give up 13 runs to the first 13 batters he faced. But Hillman was adamant that his new pitcher get out of his own jam.

“It was a learning experience, something every young pitcher goes through," said the Royals skipper.

The Tigers went on to score 36 more runs before the manager decided to bring in reliever Roman Colon, who proceeded to give up an additional 28 runs before closing out the inning on a pop fly.

During the post-game press conference, Hillman was asked whether this was merely a stunt to keep people attending the game interested in an otherwise boring game.

“Not at all. I mean, this isn’t some Disney movie," he said. "This kid is literally one of the best pitchers we have on our squad, and I am not kidding. You guys haven’t seen the rest of our staff. It’s really, really, really, horrible.”

Harper expressed disappointment over his outing.

"If only I hadn't lost my throwing arm to the disease, I think I could have done a lot better," he said. "But I could tell the guys were excited to have me on the team."

NCAA officials are investigating allegations that a University of Kentucky tutor answered reporters’ questions in place of freshman basketball star John Wall at a press conference yesterday.

Explained NCAA spokesman Gary Marshall, “There were some inconsistencies in John’s answers that constitute as red flags, and we’re going to do our due diligence, but it’s important to recognize that John is innocent until proven guilty.”

New York Times reporter Todd Smith, who has been covering Wall and Kentucky all season, was the first to notice some odd answers. “John is a pretty simple and straightforward guy, but yesterday things seemed off. For starters, he was adamant that his team not look ahead, ‘lest we turn our next matchup into a trap game, comparable to the trap the Rebel Alliance fell into during the climactic battle ofReturn Of the Jedi.’ I’ve been to dozens of Kentucky press conferences this season, and this was definitely the first time John mentioned General Ackbar in any way.”

Dan Crowley of The St. Pete Times first became curious when Wall wondered aloud if the idea of the win or go home concept of the Tournament was, “perhaps a bit too Machiavellian” for his tastes, and was especially perplexed when Wall proceeded to explain that the winning team would be whichever was able to, “put the orange spherical object through the netted rims at the highest frequency during the allotted time.”

Kentucky coach John Calipari defended his point guard.

“These allegations are completely ludicrous. The fact that John decided to reference Star Wars andThe Princeat yesterday’s press conference only reinforces the fact that he’s been paying attention in his film studies and political science classes here at Kentucky.”

Kentucky fans have also been supporting Wall, with some going as far as to say the idea that the NCAA would investigate Wall purely because he was speaking eloquently is racist.

“I don’t see how it could be racist,” said St. Pete Times reporter Crowley. "Because from today's press conference, apparently John Wall is a 5’8" white guy in his mid-thirties.”

The 2010 NCAA Tournament begins the day after St. Patrick's Day.

May as well just keep drinking, no? Here you go …

>>> Take a Sip of Beer Every Time …

… Gus Johnson suffers a coronary … you hear a "Cinderella" reference … John Calipari commits an NCAA infraction … one of your friends says he's better than a women's player … Jon Scheyer makes that face where you want to punch him … the camera finds a player’s MILF-y mother in the crowd … the camera finds Ashley Judd during a Kentucky game … the camera finds Rick Pitino nailing some woman on the scorer's table … Greg Gumbel gains weight during the commercial break …

>>> Take a Shot Every Time …

… Gus Johnson suffers a stroke …CBS shows that Bryce Drew highlight from the 1998 NCAA Tournament …one of your friends says he's better than Luke Harangody … Duke gets a favorable call … the camera finds a player's ugly mother in the crowd …a Jim Nantz pun makes you groan …Greg Gumbel is caught eating a sandwich upon a return from commercial …

>>> Chug Your Beer Every Time …

… Gus Johnson suffers a brain aneurysm … Bryce Drew delivers a pizza to your house … you hear a "Cinderella" reference, but it's about the '80s metal band of the same name … one of your friends says he's better than John Wall … the camera finds a player's father in the crowd, and you think he's kind of cute … the camera finds Wynonna Judd during a Kentucky game … you find a Jim Nantz comment clever … Greg Gumbel is caught using his bracket as a bib upon a return from commercial …

>>> Drink a Whole Keg If …

… Gus Johnson makes a subtle and measured comment befitting the game situation, allowing the players to shine over his his own unquenchable desire for attention … the pain is getting bad from the vasectomy you elected to have to get time off from work to watch basketball … Bryce Drew is willing to stick around to party … you are a North Carolina, Arizona, UCLA or UConn fan … one of your friends says he's had better than Ashley Judd … Greg Gumbel is caught eating Bryant Gumbel upon a return from commercial … Duke wins the national championship.

In a letter to the owner, nearly a dozen Washington Generalsseason ticket holders have threatened to boycott next season if, “drastic changes are not made to improve the team this off-season.”

“For too long we’ve paid good money to come to these games, only to see our team made a fool of by the Globetrotters," reads the letter, which was also made available to the media. "Well, enough is enough. It’s time this franchise uses its resources to acquire better talent and field a competitive team for once.”

Generals owner Ed Hartley responded to the letter by saying, “I don’t think there’s anyone in the organization that actually enjoys the losing. We’re doing our best over here trying to field a competitive team with limited funds, and we only ask that the fans be patient. Sometimes you go through a rough patch, and sometimes that rough patch lasts a few thousand games longer than you might like.”

Larry Cartwright, a season ticket holder since 1974, says he’s considered dropping his season tickets for some time now. “It’s just embarrassing going to games in my Generals jersey and seeing the players I root for being made a mockery of. For chrissakes the Globetrotters take most of their shots from half court, and some of them are wearing microphones.”

It’s gotten so bad Cartwright doesn’t bring his 9-year-old son to the games anymore. “I just don’t want him to have to experience the feeling of seeing players from the posters on his bedroom wall getting pantsed while shooting a free throw.”

In what he called a “step in the right direction," Hartley announced the team has been in talks with Mike Dunleavy to become their next general manager and head coach.

“If that happens, I’m done for good,” says Cartwright. "Dunleavy is horrible. I'd dump a bucket of water on him myself."