The New York Giants medical staff came back from another round of tests on quarterback Eli Manning this morning unsure if the signal caller is experiencing symptoms of a concussion or just being his regular stupid self.
“It’s tough to say at this point”, said team doctor Mike Woolcott. “We’ve been asking him simple questions that any human being with a below average IQ would know –What’s your name? Where are you? Who’s the president? and he answered them all incorrectly. The problem is we’re pretty sure he didn’t know those answers before the hit.”
Doctors say that on Monday afternoon Manning was absent-mindedly walking into walls and saying nonsensical things, but no one on the staff seemed to notice or care.
Explained head coach Tom Coughlin, “Eli skips down the halls singing ‘Im A Little Teapot’ all the time, so this is nothing new for us. In fact, I’d say the best indication that he suffered a head injury would be if he wasn’t acting like a two year-old.”
The Giants plan to continue monitoring the quarterback, just like they normally do due to his habit of licking electrical outlets.
“This isn’t the first time we’ve been confused by an athlete’s behavior,” added Coughlin. “In 2008 we assumed Jared Lorenzen’s weight was due to him being lazy and eating all the time, so we tested him for marijuana every day. Turns out he was just a fat f*ck.”
Renowned AAU baseball coach Tom Emanski has decided to extend his name brand to other ventures, releasing a 9-volume instructional sex tape series for kids and teens on VHS.
The former MLB scout, who is the mastermind behind the wildly popular and well-known baseball fundamentals instructional video series, described this new venture as: "A helpful guide for every young kid with dreams of one day having sex. From making the first move to giving excuses for why you couldn’t get it up, we’re going to teach you the proper techniques which you can use now until your boning days are over.”
“Once you’ve gotten her all hot and bothered The Tom Emanski Way, let’s spend a few minutes learning the proper techniques for unhooking a bra," says former MLB player Fred McGriff at the end of volume 1, Foreplay The Right Way.
“We pride ourselves on simple, intelligent solutions to lovemaking, “said Emanski,” For example, in Volume 4: Going As Long As Possible, we teach kids how simply thinking of me hitting a baseball off a tee will add minutes, even hours, to your sessions.”
Commercials for the tape have already become something of a cult phenomenon since airing late nights on The Playboy Channel, Penthouse TV, and ESPN. In an effort to capitalize on this late night, usually lonely audience, Emanski is planning a 9-volume instructional masturbation video next month.
Attendees at last Thursday’s “Extreme Nashville Pro Wrestling” summer event at VFW Post 151 became visibly and audibly confused during a match between The Iraqi Terror, an Arab, and The Black Threat, an African-American. The cause of the fan’s confusion was an inability to decipher just who they were supposed to cheer for.
The Iraqi Terror was the first to enter the ring, and was met by a chorus of boos from the crowd of 45. He was then followed by The Black Threat, who was also met by a chorus of boos. Silence then fell over the crowd when the bell was rung, the competitors entered into a headlock, and everyone realized there would not be a third wrestler involved.
“Every wrestling match has a heel and a good guy. How the hell am I supposed to know who’s the good guy when you got some Arab and a Negro?” explained Mark Johnson, one of the members of the crowd.“Now, I’m not a racist, but I ain’t never seen a match with only non-whites. It’s just madness. Again, not a racist.”
A cough was the only sound heard following a body slam from The Black Threat, and several people were overhead saying “ummm” after The Iraqi Terror issued an elbow off the top rope. The only evidence of approval came from a polite clap after the Caucasian referee broke up an illegal chokehold.
Added Johnson, “I never knew what the hell the word ‘surreal’ meant until tonight ‘cause I never went to some college like a fag, but tonight was surreal as sh*t, man.”
The President of ENPW issued a public apology for both that match and the following bout, which pitted two modestly dressed women against each other.
Representatives of the Miami Heat have sent a letter to NBA Commissioner David Stern formally requesting that they be allowed to play their entire season on paper, the Associated Press has reported.
In the letter, the Heat front office explain how the sheer amount of effort and money that was put into this off season should exempt them from having to compete in real life this season, because, “any contest involved between the team we have assembled on paper and any other collection of players in the NBA would be both unnecessary and fruitless for the players, the fans, and league as a whole. I mean, come on, have youseenour roster? This is some ‘NBA Live Franchise Mode’ sh*t going on here.”
Team President Pat Riley was adamant in saying that they’re not looking for the easy way out.
“Don’t get me wrong, we still want to play all 82 regular season games," he said. "We just want to play them by matching up each individual player against his opponent of the corresponding position, and then through a mathematical evaluation based on probability, determine who would win the game if we were to actually play, which we don’t want to.”
Commissioner David Stern rejected the Heat’s offer, saying that every team has to play each other in live-action competition, adding “besides, when the lockout happens next year we’ll all be playing on paper anyways.”
In what is being called one of the most monumental anthropological discoveries of the last 100 years, archaeologists in Rome have announced that they’ve unearthed what appears to be the remains of a primitive "T-shirt catapult" in a previously undetected area of the great sporting landmark.
“This flies in the face of literally everything we’ve perceived about the Roman culture," stated Gregory Lawler, head of Anthropological Studies at Harvard University. “Until now, the prevailing wisdom revolved around the idea that the Roman people took no pleasure from events held in the Coliseum events outside of the action on the Coliseum floor itself. But if this t-shirt catapult is the real deal, we’ll have to reevaluate everything we thought.”
The contraption, which scientists described as "a scaled back version of a catapult normally used in warfare," featured a specially designed ‘T’ shaped compartment into which “Halftime Show Sponsored by Cesar’s Wonder Vomitorium” was inscribed. It’s believed to have been used between gladiator matches while crews disposed of the dead body.
The catapult wasn’t the only significant unearthing made during the three-week excavation. An oversized horse, into which one person was able to fit, gives credence to the theory that the Romans also embraced the idea of mascots, and ancient papyrus arguments detailing how old school Romans hated the evolution of public slaughtering into family-friendly events are possibly the first example of what evolved into sports talk radio.
Archaeologists also uncovered tiny garments used to conceal the genital area, but those are thought to have been worn by men and not ancient cheerleaders.
Orioles reliever Frank Mata gave up a season high 13 runs, including the game winner in the top of the 6thinning, as the Baltimore Orioles company softball team suffered yet another heartbreaking loss toBig Al’s Oil and Heatingbefore a crowd of 11 at the City Of Baltimore Memorial Park. The defeat brings the Orioles current losing streak to 15 games, surpassing the local Subway franchise andDim Sum Asian Cuisinefor longest in league history.
Outfielder Nick Markakis, who struck out looking to end the contest, was visibly frustrated after the game. “I didn’t sign up for this, man”, said Markakis while talking to reporters at the ice cream stand across the street from the field. “I mean, literally, I did not sign up for the company softball team. I thought it was the list for the annual bake sale. I even wrote ‘Brownies- Nick ’. ”
“I don’t know what to say to those guys in there," said interim manager Juan Samuel at the postgame press conference by his Ford F-150. “Each guy gave 35-percent of everything he had, more than anyone has ever given for a softball game, and it tears me apart when we lose games like this," said the former third base coach in between sips of his can of Coors Light.
Some players have attribute a lack of team unity and cohesion to their recent struggles, and point to the fact that they’re too busy with their day jobs as professional baseball players to have any time to work on a game like softball.
“I don’t want to sound like a sore loser,” said outfielder Adam Jones, “But I’m pretty sure the other team had a couple of ringers. I mean, I bet at least a few of those guys definitely played baseball in high school.”
As a way of expressing his undying love for both Chicago sports teams and his life partner Greg, Chicagoan Mark Davis publicly announced his homosexuality to the backdrop of the classic Chicago Bulls entrance theme.
“This has been something I’ve been meaning to do for some time now, but I could never figure out just how to go about it,” said Davis, 28, “And I was watching the ’96 finals on ESPN Classic, inspiration struck.”
After rounding up his family and closest friends at his South Side apartment living room last Thursday, Davis proceeded to play Alan Parsons Projects’ "Eye In The Sky". Davis even went so far as to hire former Bulls announcer Ray Clay, who took the microphone which was attached to a newly-installed surround sound system.
“Aaaaannd now, a 5’11” homosexual from Chicago, Illinois Mark Davis!” said the longtime public address man. Davis then entered the strobe light-filled room, bumped chests with his partner, and proceeded to go down the couch, giving high fives to each family member.
“I’m not really sure how to feel about this," said Davis’ father, Ted. "On the one hand I don’t support my son’s lifestyle choice, but on the other hand I’m just too fking pumped to really care. I mean, come on Let’s go Bulls!”
Though they weren’t really sure just how Mark could have possibly become gay, everyone in attendance at the announcement was pretty sure it was all Steve Bartman’s fault.
Citing a lack of locker room cohesion caused by “somepeople” being complete dweebs, several of the popular players on the San Francisco Giants have decided to hold a “Cool Players Only” meeting to address the situation.
“We gave out invitations during batting practice so everyone could see who’s chill and who isn’t," said starting pitcher Barry Zito, a total dreamboat who everyone agrees is the most popular player on the team. “It’s gonna be pretty cool, I stole some of my Mom’s whiskey and Tim Lincecum’s getting cough syrup. We’ll probably get totally wasted.”
Parents of several uninvited players were upset to learn about what had happened, and have voiced their displeasure to the media and Giants brass.
“Guys can be so harsh at that age," said Juanita Mota, mother of reliever Guillermo Mota. “You don’t really think about others feelings when you’re that young, but stuff like this can be damaging psychologically to someone in their mid-30s.”
Giants General Manager Brian Sabean has had to defend himself after coming under fire for allowing the meeting to take place in his office.
“Look, these guys are going to drink whether we want them to or not. And I’d rather have them doing that stuff somewhere where I can supervise and know they’re okay.”
Local restaurateur Sun Ho Chin didn’t think much of his decision to change the price of his Beef Chow Mein to $4.50, nor did he consider the ramifications of charging an extra 15 cents for every packet of duck sauce. But when word of the new menu that was posted to a bulletin board outside the Boston Celtics locker room reached the players, sparks flew immediately.
“He did what?” said center Kendrick Perkins when reporters informed him of the price change. “Are you serious? Fifteen cents for a packet of duck sauce? No no no, that shit don’t fly with us. We’ll see what happens when we think about ordering the post-game meal. You don’t go run your prices like that during the NBA Finals and expect to get off scott free.”
Head coach Doc Rivers attempted to diffuse the situation by simply laughing it off as another example of, “Ho Chin being Ho Chin”, but his players weren’t buying it.
“Just because he’s always doing outrageous things like this, like riding around on bike, doesn’t make them excusable,” said guard Ray Allen. "You have to pay for your actions."
After enduring taunts of “Hooo Chiiiin” and onslaughts of nickels and dimes thrown at him from the afternoon lunch crowd, the Golden Pagoda owner backtracked on the decision a bit by blaming rising costs and low customer turnout as the reason for the price increase. It didn’t appear to do any good, however, as Ho Chin was met with a vicious elbow to the chin on behalf of Celtics forward Rasheed Wallace 30 seconds into last night’s post game meal. Wallace was promptly arrested for assault and battery.
“He's the Chinese delivery guy?" Wallace said. "I had no idea. He was just at elbow height so I thought it would be fun to lay him out."