Opinion Cole Hamels: Baseball Badass
News Cole Hamels Apologizes for Not Hitting Bryce Harper in His Stupid Face
“I don’t know what to say. I messed up,” said Hamels. “I hit him in the small of his back, so I missed my target by about three feet, as I wanted to hit hit square in his stupid goddam face. My lack of control on that pitch is not acceptable. I expect better from myself, and I will forever regret not plunking him square in his douche head.”
Hamels says he thinks he knows what happened on the pitch.
“I got so excited about the opportunity to smash his face, maybe to the point of knocking his helmet off and tearing a bald patch in his faux-hawk, blood pouring down his sideburns and into his mouth, that I overthrew,” said Hamels. “I won’t make that mistake again.”
Hamels also stressed that trying to hit Harper in the face wasn’t anything personal.
“I don’t know him at all,” said the pitcher, “although anyone who has met him says he’s unbearable. I wanted to hit him in in the face based on appearances alone, nothing else.”
Picture Cole Hamels' 1 "Key to the Game" is No. 2
You're not allowed to put poop on the ball, Cole.
News Cole Hamels: "My Teammates Are Like Stylists To Me"
Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels angered Philadelphia fans and teammates following his World Series Game 3 loss by stating that he couldn’t wait for the season to end. But today he spoke to his teammates and manager Charlie Manuel to clear up any confusion and express to them how close they are to his heart.
“I am sorry if I hurt anyone with what I said,” said Hamels, tearing up as he addressed the team. “But you guys mean everything to me. You’re like stylists to me. No, no … I mean that. Chase, I look at you like my eyebrow girl, Mindy. You’re that important. Cliff Lee, you’re my manicurist Wan-Li. And, Charlie … oh, Charlie … you’re my personal shopper and style consultant, Heather.”
Hamels went through most of the team similarly until he was finally stopped by teammate Brett Myers.
“Okay. We get it,” said Myers. “You like us. You don’t want to quit. That’s great. But you don’t have to be such a freaking girl about it. Jeez. Have some dignity, you woman.”
Other Phillies echoed Myers’ sentiments, but also stressed that they appreciated Hamels speaking up.
“I needed to hear it, because I had my doubts,” said Ryan Howard. “We’re all in this car together driving towards one goal and it’s good to know we still have Cole roller-skating behind us. Although I could have used not being compared to his pedicurist. Gross.”
Hamels’ wife, Heidi, a former Survivor contestant, says she knows her husband is sincere because he used a similar speech to propose to her two years ago.
“I’ll always remember it,” says Heidi. “Cole crouched down — he didn’t want to get on one knee because he was wearing $300 Gucci slacks — and said: ‘Heidi, I’ve wanted a shopping partner my whole life. And I totally love your style. Even better, we both love Savage Garden. I want to grow old with you. Although I won’t grow old. I’ll stay looking fabulous forever. If I ever get wrinkles or get fat I would, like, totally blow my brains out.’ It was so romantic.”
Hamels says he is just happy to be back in the good graces of his teammates.
“My hair just doesn’t lay right when I’m stressed or feeling unloved,” he said. “You ever get that? Horrors.”
News 5 Days To MLB Playoffs: Philadelphia Phillies
There are only a few days until the start of the MLB playoffs and SportsPickle is previewing each playoff team. Today: Philadelphia Phillies.
