Filed Under » Cleveland Cavaliers

After some recent close calls, the Harlem Globetrotters have decided to replace their standard opponent, the Washington Generals, with a more-easily defeated team, the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The Cavaliers have lost 25 consecutive games, including exhibition losses to three D-League teams, a Division II team and the Cleveland Heights YWCA, and are expected to provide a good comedic foil for the Globetrotters while not posing any threat to end Harlem's 30-year win streak.

"We just want to focus on entertaining our fans, without having to worry about possibly losing," said Globetrotters showman Big Easy Lofton. "The Generals were all about doing their best and almost winning and stuff, and we can't mess around with that. I've been watching clips of their games on SportsCenter. Wow. This is going to be so much fun."

With perfect, large, perky breasts, Jenny Winters simply asked for help to get off the streets.

She's been heard. And also seen. Mostly seen.

Left homeless after a series of poor decisions, breakups and failed forays into adult films, Winters has been offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers to be a cheerleader and is being pursued by other teams and also millions of suitors after she and her amazing rack became an online sensation.

"This has been totally, totally amazing," Winters said in a phone interview with The Associated Press on Wednesday, her voice choking with emotion. "I'm just so thankful. God has blessed me so deeply. I'm getting a second chance. Amazing."

Unfortunately, in a phone interview and not on video again, no one could see Winters' luscious bosom, so it was kind of a waste of everyone's time.

Cleveland Mayor Frank G. Jackson held a press conference today to announce that 1,000 new jobs have come to the city with the opening of a new anti-Lebron James t-shirt factory on Cleveland's east side.

"This shows again how resilient the City of Cleveland and its people are," said Jackson. "We took the negative energy and disappointment over Lebron James' departure and made it into something that will provide jobs to the city. It's a remarkable story."

Quitness Industries, the t-shirt manufacturer, will begin hiring immediately for three shifts, including weekends, to try to meet the region's unquenchable desire for anti-Lebron apparel, signs and decals.

"In poor economies like we have today, rage and anger businesses have always done quite well," says Quitness Industries CEO Frank Marshall. "For example, right now gun companies are raking in profits. And during the Great Depression, there were popular stands throughout cities where, for a penny, you could punch a hobo."