Filed Under » Cleveland Browns

Sources confirmed today that Cleveland Browns owner, Jimmy Haslam III, has written a letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell requesting clarification on various team ownership rules, most notably a clarification on the league's return policy regarding the purchase of new teams.

The letter, initially thought to be a hoax, was over five pages in length and included multiple highlighted photocopies of receipts. After page 2, the letter seemed to take a more desperate tone, with the phrase "let's just pretend this never happened" appearing at the end of every paragraph from then on.

"It's disappointing," said rookie quarterback Brandon Weeden, who was specifically referred to as "human garbage" and "money out the window" throughout the letter. "But at the same time, you just gotta go out there and do your job. You can't think about that stuff."

Haslam, the 57 year old businessman who previously owned a portion of the Pittsburgh Steelers, purchased the Browns for just over $1 billion this pre-season, a move that seemed like a solid investment at the time.

"When he bought the Browns for $1 billion, it sounded like a fair deal," said Guy Bradford, a sports financial analyst. "With the TV revenue sharing, their lucrative radio deals, and thriving jersey sales — thanks to the addition of Weeden and Richardson — things we're looking good. But things change quickly. I mean, the jersey sales numbers dropped almost immediately after week 1, with over 60% actually being returned."

Following a preseason that saw their inept offense make few, if any, strides, Browns head coach Pat Shurmur said his team will try out a new "Gangnam Style" offense in their season opener on Sunday.

"I heard one of the interns in the front office talking about it," said Shurmur. "I said: 'What's this Gangnam Style thing?' And he said it's all the rage. So I figured why not? We'll go Gangnam Style. You always have to push the envelope and it can't be worse than the pro style offense that we're currently running."

Shurmur asked the intern down to the practice field to put in the Gangnam Style offense.

"Alright, kid, show us what it is," said Shurmur.

"Wait, you're serious? Oh," said the intern. "Well, I mean, if you're translating it to football, I guess it would be a lot of unorthodox movement and formations. And up-tempo. I don't know. It's a South Korean music vi-."

But Shurmur cut him off. "Amazing. I've been in football a long time and I know a genius when I see one. And what you just said is smarter than anything that ever came out of Mike Martz's mouth."