Filed Under » Cincinnati Bengals

The Cincinnati Bengals are hard at work preparing for their upcoming playoff game against the New York Jets but are having trouble finding someone shitty enough to play QB Mark Sanchez in practice, says Coach Marvin Lewis.

So far, the closest they’ve been able to come to mimicking Sanchez poor decision-making, terrible footwork and inaccurate passing has been offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski’s 13-year-old son.

“It’s been a challenge,” said head coach Marvin Lewis. “Sanchez is a unique player and it’s very difficult to simulate his particular skill set. We tried using our backup quarterback, J.T. O’Sullivan, but even he possesses a rudimentary knowledge of coverage schemes and blitzes, so he wasn’t the right fit. Right now it’s up to Timmy Bratkowski, who has a fairly similar skill set, though he’s not as much of an airhead.”

Aside from O’Sullivan, the Bengals tried using receiver Chad Ochocinco, fullback Jeremi Johnson, and left tackle Andre Whitworth, but none could match the unique combination of confusion and clumsiness Sanchez has displayed during his rookie campaign.

“Chad was a bit too athletic and aware to play Mark,” said Lewis. “And Jeremi, our fullback, had too accurate an arm. Andre was the closest because he had terrible pocket presence and a frantic, confused demeanor, but he still wasn’t dumb enough to stare down every receiver he threw to. But we knew this was going to be challenging going into it. The one thing we have in our favor is that Mark throws about three passes a game.”

If all else fails, Lewis has suggested blindfolding O’Sullivan and binding his feet together.

“It’s something we’ve thought about,” he said. “But in the end, we’re probably just going to stick with Timmy and take our chances. Everybody basically knows how to defend Sanchez anyway. You load up against the run, take away the short pass, and leave Braylon Edwards wide open in the end zone, praying that he throws it to him.”

Some Bengals players have suggested a different way to simulate the Mark Sanchez experience at quarterback.

“Have somebody stand there and hand the ball off,” said Chad Ochocinco. “That’s all you have to do. We don’t really need to ‘prepare’ for their passing game because it’s basically non-existent. Which reminds me – our quarterback hasn’t been so hot this season either. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Jets were using Mark Sanchez to simulate Carson Palmer.”

AVOID: Larry Johnson, RB, Bengals — Johnson is tempting for anyone who is a fantasy football veteran. For a time in the middle of the decade he was one of the top fantasy guys in the NFL. But that was several years, battered women and homophobic slurs ago. In the last three seasons combined, Johnson has gained only 1,810 yards — after running for more than 1,700 in both 2005 and 2006.

Granted, the new Bengals running back seems to be motivated … to play his old team, at least. In fact, he posted this on his Facebook page on Monday: "Gonna gallop all over the Chiefs. Cleat prints on the chests. Mud in the face masks."

Ouch.

Cincinnati plays Kansas City on December 27th.

And don't think he won't gallop all over you, Chiefs. Larry Johnson's yards per carry these days is about the exact length of a human body. He may never get off of you.

AVOID: Carson Palmer, QB, Bengals— Like a hot dog, Carson Palmer may seem appetizing, but he is tainted by toxic ingredients you should avoid if you are smart.

Consider the similarity between what fills a hot dog and what surrounds Carson Palmer.

Hot dog: leftover scrap meats /Bengals: Cedric Benson

Hot dog: saturated fats /Bengals: Andre Smith

Hot dog: filler /Bengals: Chad Ochocinco

Hot dog: floor scrapings / Bengals: Laveranues Coles

Hot dog: mechanically separated poultry / Bengals: Chris Henry

Hot dog: preservatives / Bengals: Marvin Lewis

Hot dog: unidentifiable /Bengals: Ben Utecht

And even if Carson Palmer wasgood … and even if he wasn't injury prone … and even if he played on a good team … really. That picture. You can't draft him. You just can't. You must question his judgment. If there's one pass on the line with my fantasy season in the balance, I don't want the guy who thought it was a savvy marketing move to fellate a weiner making the decision on where to put the ball.