Filed Under » Chicago White Sox

As a disappointing season winds down that saw the team's total runs scored and batting average both drop significantly, White Sox third base coach Jeff Cox has taken it upon himself to change the team's "swing away" sign. Gone is the old sign — two taps on the right ear lobe followed by a touch to the wrist. And in its place is a much simple signal: two raised middle fingers extended directly at the batter.

"I can't tell you how much more enjoyable this has made the last two weeks," said Cox. "There's nothing like giving the finger over and over to these pieces of crap. They deserve it for how they've played this year. I think I actually prefer this to winning and being in the playoffs."

Cox has been been giving the swing sign to every batter on every pitch regardless of the game situation since the White Sox were officially eliminated from playoff contention. However, he does tweak the sign depending on the batter.

"For someone like Carlos Quentin, who has really sucked this year, I add a verbal element," says Cox.

That was displayed last night during Quentin's first at-bat when Cox gave him the two raised middle fingers, but then also verbally abused him.

"Yeah, swing away, you piece of crap!" Cox yelled down the line. "Yeah, I'm giving you the swing sign, a—hole. Not like you can hit anything anyway. Try, though. Please try. I need a laugh."

Cox was asked to stop his profanity-strewn outburst by umpires — and also by opposing players — but he instead gave them the swing sign, too.

"I'm not doing anything these players haven't seen before," said Cox.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen agrees.

"I'm glad Jeff finally took the kid's gloves off," said Guillen. "For weeks I've been walking down the line of lockers and slapping all the guys in the face with my penis while I cuss them out. Cox is the supportive one around here."

At a hastily arranged press conference this afternoon at the White House, President Barack Obama announced San Francisco Giants ace Tim Lincecum will head up a brand new executive branch of the federal government: The Department of White Sox Pitching.

“Tim brings great leadership qualities to this important post,” said the president. “Primarily his mid-90s fastball and his devastating curve.”

The president says he realized the need to federalize the White Sox pitching staff after seeing them implode this weekend against the Yankees.

“At this important point in the season, with so much to lose, I can’t sit by and let the White Sox fall completely out of the playoff race,” Obama said. “It is in the best interests of the nation that we have a competitive final month of the season.”

Lincecum will leave his job with the Giants and begin pitching with the White Sox immediately.

“It was a tough decision. I wanted to win with the Giants,” said the reigning NL Cy Young award winner. “But the president insisted I would be providing a great service –- and if not to the nation, then to him.”

The creation of the new executive branch that will support White Sox pitching has been met with great opposition by Republicans –- as well as from some Democrats who are Cubs, Tigers, and Giants fans. But sources within the White House say that even if Lincecum is stripped of his powers, such a move wouldn’t come until well after October, which would be long past the department's policies would make their desired impact.

“Now that Secretary Lincecum is in place, I look forward to him filling his staff with some great public servants,” said the president. “I have developed a list of potential candidates that includes Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Zach Greinke and others.”

DROP: Jake Peavy, P, White Sox — Peavy is one of the best in the game, but he hasn't pitched in almost two months and likely won't get back on the mound until late August. By that time you'll get, what — four or five starts out of him at the max, and even then he'll be rusty for half of them. So there's little to gain by holding Peavy on your roster all this time for the slight chance of five good starts come September. If you have him, drop him. Also, if you don't have him, pick him up. Peavy is one of the best in the game. He hasn't pitched in almost two months, so when he gets back on the mound in late August, he'll be rested and ready. You'll get four or five starts our of an ace and even if he's rusty for half of them, a rusty Jake Peavy is still better than most of the pitchers out there. He's worth locking up a roster spot now for the chance at five good starts come September.