Filed Under » Chicago Cubs

Theo Epstein was introduced as the new Chicago Cubs general manager on Tuesday and immediately went to work. Unfortunately, his first trade offer — one he admits “I had kind of staked everything on” — was turned down.

The deal, all of the Chicago Cubs players in return for all of the Boston Red Sox players, was not accepted by new Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington.

“I don’t want to panic anyone, but with this trade not happening, we’re going to suck for a long time, if not forever,” said Epstein. “My expertise is more in the area of running really talented teams. Without those Red Sox players, I’m kind of out of my element. My rebuilding effort was based on getting Jacoby Ellsbury, Adrian Gonzalez and all of their pitchers except John Lackey.”

Boston Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein has announced he is leaving the team to take a similar position with the Chicago Cubs, a move he says was due entirely to the fact that for a young, intelligent, cool person like him, Massachusetts has absolutely nothing to offer.

“Let’s be honest, there is not one single professional reason for me to leave the Red Sox for the Cubs,” the 38 year-old told reporters. “I mean, objectively speaking, the Red Sox are a better team with more money and a deeper farm system. I should be here. But this state is so fucking lame now it’s unbearable. Seriously, it as a cultural wasteland.”

The Brookline native and Yale graduate added that while it was not too long ago that he was proud to be from the Bay State, those feelings have eroded over the last few years.

Cubs fan Steve Bartman has yet to grant a single interview since his fateful catch of a pop foul over Chicago outfielder Moises Alou played a role in the Cubs losing the 2003 NLCS. Most have assumed that Bartman has kept a low profile in order to avoid further ridicule from Cubs fans, but those close to him say he has spent much of the time since October of 2003 getting laid.

“Hey, I’m sure he’ll eventually give an interview,” said Bartman’s cousin, Greg Bartman. “But not until the non-stop Cardinals and White Sox fan ass dries up. And it doesn’t seem to be any end in sight. The guy is having the time of his life.”

The bespectacled, nerdy-looking Bartman never had much success with girls before the 2003 NLCS, said his mother, Brenda Bartman, “but now there’s a new girl slinking out almost every morning from his room in the basement,” she said, “and they usually have a White Sox or Cardinals logo tramp stamp peeking out from above their pants. I’m very proud of him for turning a negative into a positive. He’s never been happier.”