Picture Chicago Loves Its Black Cocks
"So, she might call me?" said a hungover Kane today before Chicago's morning skate. "And her name is Lady Byng? I couldn't remember who it was I was with at the bar last night. I thought it was like Britney or Brandi or something. All I knew was that she was hot and her tongue tasted like gin."
Kane took a drink from talking to throw up in his locker before continuing.
"Lady Byng. That sounds like some sort of royal name or something, right? Guys, I might be hooking up with a princess or some shit," he said, getting high-fives from his teammates. "Maybe she has a castle. I'd be set for life, bro."
Kane's moment of happiness was ruined, however, when a reporter informed him that the Lady Byng is a trophy given to the NHL player who most exhibits gentlemanly play.
But they're pros, so they want to have sex in the playoffs, too.
Too bad Jeff Tildethdoouspart is the minors right now.
It's the most athletic way to get circumcised.
I pity the hockey team that has Mr. T on it.
10. The Blackhawks barely beat anyone
Chicago's 21-0-3 record is all smoke and mirrors. They only have a plus-32 goal differential on the season. Their last 10 wins have come by just an average of 1.3 goals per game. Compare that to a quality team like the Boston Bruins. Boston's last six wins have been by an average of 2.0 goals per game. That's beating a team. The Blackhawks are just barely slipping by.
9. The Blackhawks benefit by getting all the calls
Chicago has spent 153 minutes and 9 seconds on the power play so far this season. That's more than 2.5 hours. You could watch all of "Lincoln" and three-plus minutes of previews in the amount of time Chicago has had a man-advantage this season. It's pretty easy to win when the refs are in your pocket.
8. The Blackhawks don't even have a No. 1 goalie
Ray Emery? Corey Crawford? Good luck with that. Not long ago, Emery couldn't even keep an NHL roster spot. The duo might appear to be doing okay for now, but a corpse can prevent a goal, too, if the shooter shoots it right into the body.
7. The Blackhawks don't have a single player in the Top 10 in the NHL in scoring
Oh, lookie there.
So, to recap: Garbage goalies and no skaters who can put the puck in the net with any regularity. Yeah, this team is great.
He knows more about hockey than running a basketball team.