Filed Under » Chicago Bears

Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler treated all five of his linemen to $19 Casio wristwatches Thursday night after his teammates managed to get him through an entire game against the Packers without him getting killed.

On the way out of town to the airport, Cutler instructed the team bus driver to pull into a Green Bay Walmart. Five minutes later Cutler returned to the bus with a Walmart bag.

"Here you go, fellas," he said, taking the watches out of the bag and tossing them to his linemen. "Great work tonight. Only seven sacks and I can still walk. Super work out there."

"Oh, wow. Thanks, Jay!" said left tackle J'Marcus Webb, excitedly opening his watch case to extract the plastic, digital watch. "I thought you would be mad at us. But new watches? You're the best!"

"Jeezus, you guys are hopeless," said Cutler. "It a sarcastic gift, idiots. I'm telling you how much you suck by giving you shit watches. If you were good and didn't get me killed on nearly every play, I would do like some quarterbacks do with their lines and buy you Rolexes. You get it? Ah, nevermind. I'm not explaining this to a bunch of morons. You guys can't block or be insulted properly. I hate you."

Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler said today that his "close, personal relationship with Satan, Prince of Darkness" is not something that should be open to ridicule by the fans, the media or opponents.

"I worship Satan. Everything I do and say is for Beelzebub," said Cutler. "I don't see why people think my personal beliefs are to be mocked. You wouldn't hear this about a player who was a Christian or a Muslim. But for some reason in this society, people think it's okay to look down on you for trying to live an evil life. It's wrong. I will feel no remorse when I kill them and eat their organs."

Cutler says he came upon Satanism the way anyone finds their true faith.

"The world is a horrible place, simultaneously full of misery and nothing," he said. "I am reminded of this every time I am sacked. And because life is a meaningless trek to death and eternal blackness, why would I pick one of those fairy religions that talk about love and crap?"

Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler severed all ties with Bears center Chris Spencer today after a fumbled snap while practicing goal line plays at training camp.

After the ball fell to the ground between them, Cutler ripped his helmet off, walked off the field and was heard yelling at head coach Lovie Smith: "Get him out of my sight! I can't ever be on a field with him again! Ever!" He then stormed into the locker room, where sources say he had "a good cry."

Spencer was confused by Cutler's reaction, insisting the snap had been clean but that the quarterback had pulled away too fast.

"Oh, of course that's what he would say," said Cutler. "He's always blaming me. Well, I've had enough. These little things have been adding up and I can't take it anymore. We're over. There's no way I'm spending my whole career with him."