If it's in the real news, that means Urlacher really retired with the Packers! OMG!
"I know this may rub some people in the Bears organization the wrong way. And some Bears fans, too, probably," said Urlacher. "But it's my right to end my career the way I want to end it, and doing it as a member of the Green Bay Packers unquestionably the best franchise in the NFC North throughout my career and, really, all of NFC North history brings me great joy. Not being a member of the Bears on this day is the highlight of my career."
Urlacher then fought back tears as he spoke about how much it means to him to no longer be a part of the Bears: "You dream of this your whole career but never really believe it could happen," he said, tears rolling down his cheeks.
The linebacker's press conference was attended by many Packers players in a sign of respect for all of his accomplishments.
"Brian was one of the greats," said quarterback Aaron Rodgers. "If the Bears had more players like him, they wouldn't always be so easy to beat."
Oh, no. Cutler has become self-aware. He knows we're laughing at him. What now?
We'll defer to them. They've watched him every year.
"Tall and strong with enough girth around the middle to prove he doesn't take his appearance too seriously, Chicago's J'Marcus Webb has everything a girl could want in a sexy lineman," reads the article accompanying 34 pages of Webb photos. "And that face. Oh, that face. His bulging eyes look like they're peering into our soul. There is no way to resist him. We want to call a penalty on him for holding us all night long."
Recent People "Sexiest Lineman Alive" honorees include Nick Mangold of the New York Jets in 2011, Jermon Bushrod of the New Orleans Saints in 2010 and back-to-back winner Robert Gallery, then of the Oakland Raiders, in 2009 and 2008.
Webb says he was flattered to be named sexiest lineman.
"I never expected anything like this," he said. "Growing up I was always mocked for my looks. I guess I've really come into my own, at least compared to other linemen."
The towering tackle says he has a very simple daily beauty regimen.
"I basically wake up whenever I wake up and then I take a big dump," he said. "Then I go about my day. Some days I shower. That's it. I don't really do anything different than any other lineman. I guess I was just blessed with these superior looks."
That baby already smirks at a 5th grade level.
Mmmm. Delicious candy.
"Every time he would give me the ball on a handoff, he would say 'Nice gloves, gaywad,'" said Michael Bush. "We're all used to him being a prick. But making fun of someone for supporting cancer awareness is a new low even for him."
After being made fun of for two quarters and all of halftime, several of Cutler's teammates confronted him about his behavior on the sidelines during the third quarter. Wide receiver Brandon Marshall told Cutler that he had lost an aunt to breast cancer and that the fight against the disease is very important to him. Kellen Davis, Devin Hester and Robbie Gould echoed Marshall.
"I'm sorry, ladies aren't allowed to talk to players on the sideline," said Cutler. "If you need tampons, you can probably buy them in the women's bathroom," he added, high-fiving himself.