Filed Under » cheerleading

Needing to stop the Panthers on a crucial 3rd-and-short play late in the fourth quarter of New England's 20-10 win on Sunday, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick suddenly heard what the team’s cheerleaders were saying behind the bench.

“I heard them say: ‘Push ‘em back, push ‘em back, way back,’” said Belichick. “I called over our defensive coordinator and said: ‘Good God, man! Do you hear what I hear? They think we should push ‘em back.’ And he said: ‘You know, it might just be crazy enough to work.’ So we did it.”

And wonder of wonders, it did work. The Panthers were pushed back, failed to pick up the first down and had to punt.

“A lot of people don’t give cheerleaders the respect they deserve,” said Belichick. “But they clearly know a lot about football. That pushing ‘em back idea was genius. Genius, I say! You see, our plan was to not push 'em back, but let ‘em forward. In retrospect, it seems insane. I mean, had we done that, we probably lose the game and fall out of the playoff chase. But thanks to our cheerleaders, we're still in good shape. Those gals have brains even bigger than their team spirit.”

Belichick says he will consult with the cheerleading squad before he makes any calls in future game-changing situations.

“I am intrigued by their idea to take it away defense, take it away,” he said. “I think that approach could be huge for our defense and allow us to get the ball back in the hands of our offense. They also say they that hey, hey, they don’t want to frown, they want another … TOUCHdown. Which, let’s admit, is another pretty genius idea. I mean, why frown when you have other options? No one likes to frown.”

Despite New England's run of success this decade, Belichick says his offensive and defensive coordinators should know their jobs could be stripped.

“They’ve done well for us, but these cheerleaders are on a whole different level,” he said. “They are able to really break football down to its most simple levels, what with the pushing 'em back and the touchdowns and the smiling and the like. Plus, a nice set of tits can really boost morale in the locker room. I've seen it happen. We won three Super Bowl with Charlie Weis, remember.”

High school cheerleading practice opened this morning at Westgate High in Ormond Park, Ill. and head coach Jennifer Pretian says she will spend the first few days working on fundamentals.

"Basic spelling, that sort of thing," said Pretian, 32, who was captain of the varsity squad at Westgate in 1995. "Go. G-O. Win. W-I-N. Fight. F-I … see, I need to bone up, too. I'm rusty."

Westgate High principal Robert Simpson says the opening week of cheerleading practice is the most important, at least from his point of view.

"If it wasn't for cheerleading, most of these girls would never learn to spell. It's their only motivation," said the principal. "This time in August is the only time of the year we can get them to learn anything of value."

While cheerleading helps the girls' language skills, it's detrimental to their math skills.

"Every one of those dumb bimbos think numbers go 2, 4, 6, 8," said math skills teacher Sheila Marcos. "I've even had some cheerleaders come through who think there are numbers called Who, Do, We, And, and Appreciate."

Principal Simpson says he wishes the cheerleading coach would spend more time on spelling simple, single syllable words.

"They don't need to spend time practicing jumping and flipping and all that stuff," he said. "They're too stupid to realize any of that is dangerous. They'd jump off a bridge to try to touch a cloud if you wouldn't stop them. I want more focus on learning first grade spelling skills."

Westgate High varsity captain Heather Perkins says she can't wait for the final week of practice.

"That's when we practice giving blow jobs," she said. "Yes! Y-I-S!"