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Scene: Hank Williams, Jr.'s house. There is a knock at the door. Hank opens the door.

1. Hank, Jr.

   Carl? Steve? Melissa? Amy? What are you guys doing here?

2. Rowdy Carl

   That's Rowdy Carl, Rowdy Steve, Rowdy Melissa and Rowdy Amy, to you Hank! We're you're rowdy friends! And we're coming over tonight!

3. Hank, Jr.

   But … but what night is it?

4. Rowdy Steve

   It's Tuesday night, Hank.

5. Hank, Jr.

   I thought so. Because I just had you guys over last night, Monday night.

6. Rowdy Carl

   Yeah, and we had a kickass time. And we have a kickass time every Monday night. So we thought, why not make Tuesday nights kickass, too?! WOOOOOOOOOO! [All of the rowdy friends high-five and then do a line of coke.]

Scene: Kemba Walker's apartment in Storrs, Conn. Other top NBA Draft prospects are gathered in his living room.

1. Walker

   I want to thank you all again for agreeing to be part of my book club. As you all know, my admission that I had only read one book in my life got a lot of press coverage. So I thought maybe other players like me were in the same boat and could really benefit from digging into the classics.

2. Kyrie Irving

   I am glad to be a part of your club. I was only at Duke for a year and I spent so much time on basketball that I didn't do much reading at all. Really any reading at all.

3. Walker

   I hear you. That's how it is. We're all work so hard to get to the NBA, to raise our draft prospects, to get that big contract that will have us set for life, that we don't take much time to put all that aside and spend a week on a great work of fiction.

4. Derrick Williams

   It definitely takes time. I haven't worked out in days because of this book.

5. Walker

   Yes. This book. It was a tough one. But I thought we should start in the deep water. Ulysses by James Joyce. What did you all think?

Scene: A boardroom at NAPA headquarters in Heartlandtown, USA. NAPA executives are gathered on one side of a long table. Representatives from an advertising agency are at the other.

1. NAPA CEO

   I appreciate you coming all the way out here. We've never had a big city advertising agency, but we think it's time we do a campaign that gets us noticed.

2. Ad Exec

   Glad to hear it. We think we've got just the campaign for you. In fact, we're so confident that we have already gone ahead and shot the entire commercial.

3. The Ad Exec dims the boardroom lights and plays the "NAPA Know How" ad on a large, flatscreen television. Once the 30-second spot ends, the Ad Exec turns the lights back on.

4. Ad Exec

   Well, what did you think?

5. NAPA CEO

   I … I don't even know what to say. No, I do: I hated every second of it. I want to take one of those pistons he was holding and shove it directly into my ears, rupturing my eardrums and then continue pushing it all the way into my brain to destroy the memory I have of watching it.

6. Ad Exec

   Perfect! That is exactly what we were going for!

Scene: The White House. All of the top world leaders are present.

1. President Obama

   Thank you all for coming. I know most of you don't enjoy the NCAA Tournament as much as I do, but I participated in your World Cup fantasy league so it's only fair that you do this.

2. Pres. Medvedev

   Oh, I follow American college basketball. I enjoy seeing how crappy your brother-in-law's Oregon State team is.

3. Everyone laughs.

4. President Obama

   Shut up, Dmitry.

5. Pres. Medvedev

   They lost to Utah Valley!

6. President Obama

   I know. Shut up.

7. Pres. Medvedev

   And Seattle. And Texas Southern. And Montana!

8. Everyone laughs again.

9. President Obama

   I know. I know. Enough. Let's get started. I have Kansas, Duke, Ohio State and Pitt all going to the Final Four with Kansas beating Ohio State in the title game. Mahmoud, who do you have?

10. Ahmadinejad

    I didn't make any picks.

11. President Obama

    Why?

12. Ahmadinejad

    Because if you look at the bracket, it clearly spells out "ZION."

13. President Obama

    That's insane.

14. Ahmadinejad

    Maybe. Maybe. But saying it felt right.

Scene: The press room at the Phillies spring training facility.

1. PR Director

   Thanks to everyone for coming. Let's get started. I'd like to introduce you to our 2010 starting rotation — the Four Aces! — Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels!

2. Everyone applauds.

3. PR Director

   Also, Joe Blanton is here.

4. Everyone points and laughs.

5. PR Director

   Okay, let's open it up for questions.

6. Reporter 1

   Joe, what's it like to be terrible?

Scene: A doctor's office exam room. Jay Cutler sits alone. The door opens.

1. Dr. Steve

   Hi, Jay. How are you today?

2. Cutler

   Hi, Dr. Steve. I'm okay.

3. Dr. Steve

   Really? Lovie told me you hurt your knee.

4. Cutler

   Yeah, I guess so.

5. Dr. Steve

   You guess so? Lovie said you couldn't go out and play yesterday because of it.

6. Cutler

   Yeah.

7. Dr. Steve

   Well, which knee is it? I'll take a look and we'll see what we can do.

8. Cutler

   It's my left one. Or maybe my right one. I can't really remember.

9. Dr. Steve

   You can't remember? Well, it can't hurt that bad.

10. Cutler

    I don't know. I'm pretty tough.

11. Dr. Steve

    Jay?

12. Cutler

    Yes, Dr. Steve?

13. Dr. Steve

    Did you just make up this whole story so you could come here today and get a lollipop?

14. Cutler

    No.

15. Dr. Steve

    Jay?

16. Cutler

    Can I have a lollipop?

17. Dr. Steve

    Jay, we've talked about how lollipops are bad for you.

18. Cutler

    But I like lollipops.

19. Dr. Steve

    But your diabetes, Jay. You can't have them.

20. Cutler

    I know.

21. Dr. Steve

    And Jay?

22. Cutler

    Yeah, Dr. Steve?

23. Dr. Steve

    You're almost 28 years-old now. I like you. But it's probably time you stop coming to see me. I am a pediatrician. A kid's doctor. The mural on the wall behind you is of a teddy bear holding balloons.

Scene: The living room of the Manning Family home in New Orleans, Christmas morning. The Manning Family is gathered around the Christmas tree.

1. Eli

   Gee, thanks for my Sponge Bob knapsack, Santa!

2. Archie

   Okay, kid gift time is over. What did you get me?

3. (Peyton and Eli pick up a big box from under the tree and place it at their father's feet.)

4. Archie

   Wow! It's huge!

5. Cooper

   I chipped in for the paper and the bow.

6. Archie

   Who are you again?

7. Cooper

   Cooper. Your oldest.

8. Archie

   My oldest what? Failure?

9. Cooper

   No … son.

10. Archie

    Shut up, failure.

11. Cooper

    Yes, sir.

12. (Archie excitedly tears into the package and opens up the top of box. He pulls out a sweater.)

13. Archie

    What the? What is this? A f—king sweater?

14. Peyton

    Yeah, dad. We thought it would look good on you. You know, for TV. I got it at the best men's clothier in all of Indianapolis!

15. Archie

    Indianapo-? … let me tell you little turds something. I don't even like football, okay? I played it for you. I went to college for you. I toiled for years for that piece of crap Saints franchise for you. I learned all about the game for you. So one day I could raise two sons, teach them everything about the game, and they could go on to become the two highest-paid players in the NFL. Why? So they would be super rich and I could get some kickass Christmas gifts.

16. Cooper

    Umm … three sons, dad.

17. Olivia

    Shut up, Cooper. Your ashamed father is talking.

1. Rex Ryan

   Hey, Nick. Good to see you. How you doin'?

2. Nick Folk

   Good, coach. What's up?

3. Rex Ryan

   Well, son, it's my job to always improve this team and I've thought of an idea that can help you.

4. Nick Folk

   Great! Let's hear it.

5. Rex Ryan

   Well, you have a very strong foot, right?

6. Nick Folk

   I guess so. And thanks for the compliment.

7. Rex Ryan

   Sure thing. But how strong is it really? Do you know that I've never seen your foot? And I mean your bare foot. I bet it's very muscular, isn't it? And I bet it's all glistening with sweat, too. Isn't it?

8. Nick Folk

   Sure, I suppose. I mean, as feet go, it's probably more muscular than most.

9. Rex Ryan

   Oh, baby. Nick, can you take your shoes off for me right now? Socks, too.

10. Nick Folk

    Okay.

11. [He removes his shoes and socks.]

12. Rex Ryan

    Ohmigod. Ohmigod. They're so hot.

Following Minnesota's Week 8 loss to the Patriots, Randy Moss said:

I'm not answering any more questions for the rest of this year. If it's an interview, I'm going to conduct it, so I'll answer my own questions, ask myself the questions and then give y'all the answers."

He was then cut by the Vikings.

Today, in Randy Moss' first interview since being released, Randy Moss sat down with Randy Moss.

1. Randy

   Thanks for taking the time to speak with me.

2. Moss

   Ain't no thang. You've been following me around all day. I finally decided to give in.

3. Randy

   Wait. I thought you were interviewing me.

4. Moss

   I thought I was interviewing you.

5. Randy

   You are. And I am. This is very confusing.

6. Moss

   Okay. Well, I guess we can both ask questions.

7. Randy

   Can we?

8. Moss

   Well played. You're clever.

9. Randy

   Not as clever as you.

10. Moss

    Again I'm confused.

Scene: A comedy club

1. MC

   Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the act you've all been waiting for — longer than you expected; I apologize again for their late arrival — Reid and Miles!

2. crowd

   (applause)

3. Reid and Miles take the stage and begin their routine.

4. Reid

   So I tell ya, Miles, I've been watching a lot of these baseball playoffs.

5. Miles

   Ya have, have ya?

6. Reid

   I have indeed. And I say, these boys sure do have some peculiar names!

7. Miles

   I see. Well, you gonna tell me what they are, Reid?

8. Reid

   Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third …

9. Miles

   …

10. Reid

    …

11. Miles

    …

12. Reid

    …

13. Miles

    …

14. Reid

    To get to the other side.