Charles Barkley just got that job because he is eye candy.
Kentucky: The Turrble State.
Getting paid to watch sports and also not be morbidly obese is a pretty good job.
"I was so hungry," said Barkley. "For dinner I only had some baked chicken and a vegetable medley or something. It's tough to always count calories. Me and Brandi were fooling around a little bit, her cleavage smelled like cocoa butter, which reminded me a little bit of cookies and before I knew it, I had picked the meat clean from her entire torso."
With only the legs and arms remaining of Brandi, Barkley continued eating the rest of her to cover up any evidence, should anyone notice the 22 year-old Arizona State student missing.
"I think it proves how effective Weight Watchers is," said Barkley. "My appetite isn't what it used to be thanks to them. Full after half a stripper? That never would have happened before."
"I'm telling you, I don't like these people," Barkley said during an interview on a Dallas sports talk radio station. "And some of the female ones are hot. Real hot. The kind of women I'd normally have sex with in a bar bathroom or nail out behind an Applebee's against a dumpster. But I don't know anymore."
Barkley infamously got arrested for a DUI in late 2008 while racing to get oral sex from a woman he had met an a Scottsdale, Ariz., bar, but he said today that if that incident occurred with a Heat fan, he could never forgive himself.
"That would be a personal low," said Barkley. "I can just see the headline: 'Charles Barkley Gets a DUI Going to Have Sex with a Heat Fan.' It could be the end of my career. I have never believed I'm a role model, but I also don't want kids thinking it's not shameful to have sex with these people."
In the old days he would have followed that up by throwing them through windows.
You suck at your job, Hank Haney.
Last time this happened he got suspended.