It's understandable that Astros players are trying to kill themselves.
In its latest attempt to contain a catastrophic oil spill, the British Petroleum company has announced plans to lower Astros left fielder Carlos Lee over the gusher. BP hopes the size and girth of the slugger will be enough to plug the leak and buy workers time to repair it.
BP chairman Lamar McKay said the company was hoping to submerge Lee by the end of the week.
“We’re hoping to get him down there under water by Friday at the latest,” said McKay. “Carlos is a very large man and his body should provide enough mass to jam up that leak pretty good. Then our technicians can get in there and fix the problem. This should actually be easier to pull off than the big box because the box couldn’t swim.”
McKay indicated that they had talked to Lee and the slugger had agreed to help out.
“Carlos has been on board with this from the get-go,” said McKay. “He really wants to help out, to do his part for the environment. His only concern, if you could call it that, was that he wouldn’t be quite fat enough to plug a leak that massive. But we assured him that he was indeed plenty fat. And in fact, that he might have to fast for a few days to get down to the appropriate weight.”
The details of the plan have not been revealed in full, but McKay did say that Lee would be lowered with a crane to the area of the gusher and then would paddle to the leak and dive into it.
In a Senate inquiry on Wednesday, lawmakers questioned whether the plan would work.
“This seems a bit pie-in-the-sky to me, no pun intended,” said Sen. Jeff Bingaman, D-N.M. “I mean, I know that Carlos is a big guy, but he can hardly be big enough to Oh my God, is that a picture of him? Wow, he has put on weight. Damn. I’m surprised he can even run the bases. Actually, judging from his batting average in the report I was given on him, the issue of baserunning hasn’t really come up yet.”
Astros ownership said they approved of the measure and expressed gratitude towards Lee for sacrificing his body for the good of the nation.
“We’re very proud of Carlos for offering up his body for something this important,” said team owner Drayton McLane, Jr. “It is our hope that his fatness will curb this terrible environmental disaster once and for all. It’s also our hope that he will resurface a thinner, more svelte human, since there won’t be much to eat down there. Then again, whales and great white sharks manage to keep themselves fed, so who knows? He could develop a liking for plankton and never want to surface again. Which would be fine, too. I'm pretty sure we put something in his contract allowing us to void it if he becomes a whale. Same with Lance Berkman."