According to sources close to the Panthers, they will instruct commissioner Roger Goodell to announce their selection in this way: "With the first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers say Cam Newton is kind of a dick." That will cause the Panthers to forfeit the No. 1 pick to Denver and slide to No. 2, where they may select Alabama defensive tackle Marcell Dareus.
"All of these scouts and media members who are ganging up on Cam seem to really be enjoying themselves," said Panthers GM Marty Hurney. "So since we weren't completely sold on Cam becoming an NFL quarterback, we thought we'd take the opportunity to really stick it to him in primetime before all the football fans in the country, the cocky, cheating prick."
While Newton is a rare talent with an outgoing personality, he has also faced shots around the league for his presumed knowledge of his father's selling him to colleges and a perceived lack of sincerity.
"I asked Cam right out if he was a lying asshole," said one NFL general manager. "And he looked me right in the eyes and said he was not. That's just what a lying asshole would say."
Well played, Oregon fan. And well played, Kinkos.
"This is a great program. A supportive program," said Newton. "Other schools have Secret Santa's, but the thing that's great about ours is that it is year-round. In fact, I've been getting gifts since the day I enrolled here."
Most of the cash, goods, electronics and services Newton has been given have had no Christmas markings at all.
"Clearly my Secret Santa is just trying to keep me in the dark about who he is," said Newton. "That's why he changes things up like that. In fact, sometimes he'll just have a booster or alum hand me an envelope of cash to throw me off the scent even more."
He's the greatest comedian from the South since Jeff Foxworthy.
"We don't know yet how far his recruitment extends," said CIA Director Leon Panetta. "Maybe foreign governments were involved. Who knows? But I know one way I can look into it would be getting 50-yard-line tickets for the Alabama game this Saturday, as well as next week's game against South Carolina."
Panetta said the CIA would then present the findings of its investigation the following Saturday in a luxury box at the SEC Championship Game. But he scoffed at implications the CIA taking an interest in the case was to get tickets.
ESPN's College GameDay is in Columbus, Ohio this week for Penn State vs. Ohio State.
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I suppose it could also be his Halloween costume.
Picture Fans With Benefits
Good thing Cam Newton wears a cup. (Or bad thing?)